“Whatever his faults, Professor Fulton has done a lot for me. Be honest, Meng Ning. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to go to a VIP reception at the Met and get a glimpse of a Kennedy and the mayor of New York?”
I held my tongue, realizing what Michael had said was true.
He went on. “I’m not a social climber, if that’s what you think. But I do want to be a part of this art world. Because it gives meaning to my life. Not to mention the privilege of getting close to objects that outsiders wouldn’t even dream of having the chance to see. Meng Ning, it wasn’t easy for me to get myself accepted into this world.” He cast me a meaningful glance. “Professor Fulton has just met you twice. I’m sure he’ll like you; just give him a chance, OK?”
I nodded.
“Now tell me what you don’t like about the monks.”
Because Master Hidden Virtue was bulge-eyed and bucktoothed and his English was heavily accented. I wanted to say this aloud but knew how it would sound.
“Because they are boring.” That was all I could mutter.
Michael dismissed my opinion with a laugh.
Before he could say anything, I blurted out, “Besides, that Zen center is an eyesore. And it’s a bad influence on you-too much meditation.”
“Meng Ning, meditation is the core of Buddhism. It is what really trains your mind. How can you dismiss it like this?”
“You know what? I think you overwork your intellect with those monks. That’s why you’re so guarded and serious.” I was repeating what Lisa and Philip had told me.
Michael frowned. “What do you mean? I’m not withdrawn. Have I been neglecting you? Don’t I show my affection for you?”
“It’s not that, it’s…” Suddenly I remembered the fortune-teller’s saying:
Your friend also needs to build his yin energy, which he let run down. Although he’s orderly and well organized on the surface, his spirit underneath is restless. He needs more earth and water in his life to balance his fire and metal.
“You’re losing touch with your feminine side.”
“My feminine side?” He looked completely puzzled.
“Michael, you’re always in control.” Seeing that he didn’t respond, I ventured on. “Your life is arranged so perfectly that I don’t see any place for me.”
Michael seemed to be thinking deeply, then he said, his voice pained, “Why are you telling me these things? That’s not like you.”
He’d never sounded like this before and it made me worry. I knew I was being mean and unfair to him to cover my guilt. I’d never talked like this to anyone, but then I’d never even had a boyfriend. “Michael, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“But you just did.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Art has been my great solace in life. That is, until I met you. So how can you say that you don’t see a place for you in my life? You realize how that hurts me?”
“Oh, Michael…”
“Please understand.” Michael’s voice turned gentle. “Besides Professor Fulton, I’m also very grateful for the monks in the Vegetable Root Zen Center. Their meditation teaching helped me through a lot of the stresses in my life.”
“Like what?”
“Problems at work, when I broke up with Lisa, after she’d aborted our son, the car accident…” As if realizing something, he suddenly stopped in midsentence.
“What car accident?”
“I don’t want to talk about it now.”
“Now is the only time, Michael. What car accident?”
His face looked pained. “The one that caused Lisa’s limp.”
Before I had time to absorb the shock, Michael said, “I was driving.”
“Oh heavens, what happened?”
“We were on the way to a gallery opening, quarrelling over her abortion. Then I missed a red light and the car crashed. Miraculously I was not even scratched, but poor Lisa…”
Jealousy swelled inside me like a dam about to burst. “Michael, do you still love her?”
“No! What kind of a question is this? I’m in love with you!” He paused to smooth back his hair. “Do you know how it feels to make someone-someone you care about-a cripple? You have no idea!” He paused, then said, “Anyway, I do feel I owe her because of the accident.”
“Was that the reason you stayed with her for so long?”
“Yes, partly, and maybe to pacify Professor Fulton.”
“Did he blame you for that?”
“Yes and no. But of course he was heartbroken.”
“But the whole thing is not entirely your fault!”
“This is not a question of whose fault it was, Meng Ning. The result is that it cost Lisa her leg.”
“Then what made you finally decide to leave?”
“Enough is enough. After that, she went back to Philip Noble.”
“What?” I could hear my voice, sharp like a thrusting Zen knife.
“Philip and Lisa were high school sweethearts. The most handsome couple, they were chosen by the school’s drama club to play Romeo and Juliet over and over. But she only went back to him for a short time. After that, she started sleeping with lots of people, both men and women, so I hear.”
My ears felt on fire while I remained silent, completely shocked and drained by this unexpected and unwelcome revelation.
Michael changed the subject. “Meng Ning, I believe it’s good karma that Lisa finally left. Otherwise I would never have met you. Now you know my past, and please, let’s just leave it at that. Will you?”
I nodded, still too shocked to say anything.
Michael looked more relaxed now. “And you’re not going to be a nun, Meng Ning. Sorry, but I just don’t see a nun in you, except in your head. Time now to wake up from this nun dream. Besides, just as you think that the monks are not a very good influence on me, I’d tell you neither is Yi Kong an entirely good influence on you.”
“Why?”
“All these prejudices against men.”
“But she’s guided me since I was thirteen.”
“I’m just telling you things you’ve been choosing to ignore. Yi Kong may be a good nun, but her calling is completely different from yours. You could have become a nun years ago, but you didn’t. Besides, being a nun won’t get rid of men, if that’s what you think.”
“No, Michael, Yi Kong doesn’t care about men!”
“You really believe that?”
“Of course!”
“Maybe she doesn’t,” Michael said matter-of-factly, “but I’m sure that won’t stop her from wanting their money. If Yi Kong is as successful as you say, I’m sure she has to deal with men all the time, helping her with her projects or donating to her temple-”
“Michael, you don’t know her, so don’t criticize her!”
“You really believe she got all her donations to build a school, an orphanage, a nursing home, a museum, and to reconstruct the whole nunnery only from women?”
I was speechless.
Michael went on. “Instead of just letting you worship Guan Yin and recite the Heart Sutra, I think your mentor should have encouraged you to meditate more.”
“She did. But I don’t care about it.”
“But that’s the only way to free yourself from your prejudices. I don’t say your devotional feelings are bad, Meng Ning. But, after all, Guan Yin is just a symbol.”
A long pause. Then Michael’s voice turned gentler. “Meng Ning, you don’t know what Yi Kong really had gone through before she entered the empty gate. If she has no idea what it’s like to be loved by a man, then how can she be so sure that that kind of love is illusory?
“We’re all going to die someday, whether inside or outside the empty gate. We cannot avoid death, but no one should die filled with regret over denying one’s heart. And don’t judge all men by your experience with your father. Nobody has two Buddhas as parents.”
Suddenly I felt mortified and eager for physical intimacy. Yet Michael, sitting easily beside me, didn’t seem to have any idea what to do.
Finally he asked, “What do you want me to do, Meng Ning?”