began walking across the grass toward the car, and as she got closer they melted back, formed a semicircle. Abstractly she admired the way that she and they together were evolving a choreography, hearing the same silent beat. She kept her eyes steady, her pace even, and when she found herself unlocking the car under their blank gaze it was with extreme deliberation. As she slid into the driver's seat she stared directly at each of them, one by one, and in that instant of total complicity one of them leaned across the hood and raised a hand in recognition of what had passed between them, his palm out, inscribing an arc in the still air. Later those few minutes in the plaza in Oxnard would come back to Maria and she would replay them, change the scenario. It ended that way badly, or well, depending on what you wanted.
51
SHE SAT IN THE MOTEL room near the Southern Pacific tracks in Oxnard and waited for Les Goodwin to call. He had said nine-thirty or ten but she had driven past the theater in the afternoon, the marquee read MAJOR STUDIO PREVIEW 8 p.m. An eight o'clock sneak meant eleven, by the time they counted the cards. When the telephone rang, it was quarter to eleven and he said it would be another half hour. Maria took two Librium, washed her face although she had showered an hour before, straightened the immaculate room as if to erase any sign of herself. When there was nothing left to straighten she walked across the parking lot to the ice machine by the swimming pool and filled a paper bucket with ice.
After she had arranged the bucket on a tray with two water glasses and a bottle of whisky she sat on the bed and turned the pages of the Oxnard-port Hueneme telephone book. There were fourteen Wyeths listed, twenty-three Langs and twenty Goodwins.
When she finally opened the door for him she avoided his eyes, buried her face against his shirt. They were both shaking. He poured Scotch into the two glasses without ice and they sat down on the bed and still they had not looked at each other.
"I almost didn't come," he said then. "I called the house this afternoon, I was going to tell you I wasn't coming up, they'd canceled the preview."
"I know."
"You know."
"I was going to tell you I was here and couldn't wait."
"You came up this afternoon?"
"I didn't have anything in particular to do in town," she said, and then she looked at him. "I came up this afternoon because I was afraid you'd call me up and tell me they'd canceled the preview."
"This is a lousy place," he said finally. "Let's get out of here."
They drove up the coast until they were exhausted enough to sleep, and then they did sleep, wrapped together like children in a room by the sea in Morro Bay.
"I've got until tomorrow, we can go on up the coast," he said the next morning.
"We co uld go up to Big Sur."
"We could have a picnic, we could stay at the Lodge."
“We could buy a sleeping bag and sleep on the beach."
"I've got to call Felicia," he said then.
“Wait until I'm dressed."
She dressed with her back to him, then left the motel room and walked down to the water. A culvert had washed out and the equipment brought in to lift it was mired in the sandy mud. Bare-legged and bare-armed, shivering in her cotton jersey dress, she stood for a long while watching them try to free the equipment.
When she got back to the motel he was dressed, sitting on the unmade bed.
"Don't cry," he said.
"There's no point."
"No point in what."
"No point in our doing any of those things."
He looked at her for a long while. "Later," he said then.
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
On the drive back they told each other that it had been the wrong time, the wrong place, that it was bad because he had lied to arrange it, that it would be all right another time, idyllic later. He mentioned the strain he had been under, he mentioned that the preview had gone badly. She mentioned that she was getting the curse. They mentioned Kate, Carter, Felicia, the weather, Oxnard, his dislike of motel rooms, her fear of subterfuge. They mentioned everything but one thing: that she had left the point in a bedroom in Encino.
52
MARIA MADE A LIST of things she would never do. She would never: walk through the Sands or Caesar's alone after midnight. She would never: ball at a party, do S-M unless she wanted to,
borrow furs from Abe Lipsey, deal. She would never: carry a Yorkshire in Beverly Hills.
53
'I'LL BE AWAY a few weeks," Carter said. "I came by because I'll be away, I wanted to tell you — you know the picture's entered at Cannes.”
"I read that."
"You seen it yet?"
"How would I have seen it, it's not in release, I mean is it?"
"Maria, for Chrisfs fucking sake, they've been screening it every night for a month, you know that — oh shit."
"I didn't mean to be that way," she said after a while.
"You never mean to be any way."
It was always that way when he came by but sometimes later, after he had left, the spectre of his joyless face would reach her, talk about heart's needle, would flash across her hapless consciousness all the images of the family they might have been: Carter throwing a clear plastic ball filled with confetti, Kate missing the ball. Kate crying. Carter swinging Kate by her wrists. The spray from the sprinklers and the clear plastic ball with the confetti falling inside and Kate's fat arms stretched up again for the catch she would always miss. Freeze frame. Kate fevered, Carter sponging her back while Maria called the pediatrician. Kate's birthday, Kate laughing, Carter blowing out the candle. The images would flash at Maria like slides in a dark room. On film they might have seemed a family.
"Listen," Maria said to Carter the night before he left for Cannes.
She had put off calling until almost midnight but had finally made herself do it. "The picture's fine. I went to a screening, it's a beautiful picture."
There was a silence. "If you need to reach me call BZ," he said then. "He'll know where I am."
"The picture. I really liked it."
"Fine. Thanks."
"What's the matter."
"Just forget it, Maria." His voice was tired. "There hasn't been a print in Los Angeles all week."
During the next few weeks Maria bought Daily Variety and The Hollywood Reporter and studied them dutifully for small mentions of Carter. After Cannes he seemed to be in London, and after that in Paris again, where he appeared on television discussing the auteur principle.
“Carter's staying another week in Paris, I guess you know,"
Helene said on the telephone.
"The touring auteur," Maria said.
Helene paused only slightly. "BZ called them last night, apparently she has to stay over to talk about a picture."
"I suppose he was pleased about Cannes."
"He didn't talk about it much but she said—"
“You think you're telling me something, Helene, you're missing the point."
Helene giggled. "Whose point."
That afternoon Maria had a small accident with the Corvette, received a call from the bank about her overdrawn account, and learned from the drugstore that the doctor would no longer renew her barbiturate prescriptions. In a way she was relieved.
54
MARIA STOOD IN THE SUN on the Western street and waited for the young agent from Freddy Chaikin's office to back his Volkswagen past the Writers' Building to where she was. It was hot and no one had left her name at the gate and there was a spot on her skirt and she was annoyed because of the trouble at the gate and because Freddy Chaikin had not come himself. He had arranged for her to see a director who wanted her for a bike picture and the least he could have done was show up himself. She did not even want to do another bike picture.