Charlie gave Missy a very self-conscious kiss at her car, and then she took off. I wasn’t sure how serious this romance was, but this couldn’t have helped. So be it. As she left, I called him back, and pointed to the pool house. Time for another conversation. He came back over and I ushered him back inside, and closed the door again. “Sit down, Romeo. We need to finish this.”
“Dad…”
“Shut up, Charlie. I didn’t get into this in front of the young lady, but we need to talk.” He shut his mouth. I settled back into the armchair. “Do you own any rubbers? Have you ever used a rubber?”
“No.”
“No, you don’t own any, or no, you’ve never used one?”
Charlie sheepishly admitted, “Neither.”
“So, all of your girlfriends have been on the Pill?” I pushed.
“Dad!” I waited there and motioned for him to continue. “Uh, most have been on the Pill.” My eyes opened wide at his idiocy, and I sat upright. Alarmed, he continued, “She said it was the wrong time, we’d be safe!” It tumbled out in a rush.
“Listen up! You know what they call morons like you? Fathers! Your grandparents use the rhythm technique. They’ve got 13 kids. It ain’t real reliable!” Charlie’s eyes opened wide at that. He knew about his mother’s family.
“So that brings us to another topic. Are you in love with Missy? Are you planning to marry her?” I asked.
That earned me a confused look. “What? No! We’re just having fun.”
“Okay. There’s two parts to that. First, girls get a lot more serious about who they fool around with than guys do. You might be surprised if I asked her that question. Second, if you don’t plan to marry her, what happens if she gets pregnant?”
“Huh?”
I shook my head. “Did you see her taking a birth control pill? Or did you simply believe her when she told you?”
Charlie protested, “Missy’s not like that!”
I shrugged. “No, she’s probably not.” Charlie smiled at that. I snapped my fingers at him. “Pay attention. I said probably. Listen very carefully to me.” He nodded. “There are at least a couple of reasons I could see somebody lie about that. First, well, let’s face it; I am a very rich man. Are there some young ladies who would be willing to get pregnant as a way to blackmail you, and through you, to blackmail me? What do you think?”
Charlie stared at me. “You’re kidding me! That happens?”
“It could happen. I’m not saying it will happen, just that some people would think of it. Or somebody’s father could think of it. Or somebody’s real boyfriend could think of it,” I answered.
“Shit!” He looked at me after that, and said, “Sorry.”
“Here’s another possibility. This one is actually more probable, I suppose. You might think this is all just fun and games, but suppose she doesn’t. Suppose she thinks she’s in love. Suppose she thinks the only way to keep you from leaving her is to get pregnant. Suppose she thinks the only way to escape her parents is to get married. Suppose, suppose, suppose…” I shrugged again. “Charlie, I’m not saying this is happening with Missy, or any of the other girls you’ve met, but it has happened to other guys before. The only way to be absolutely sure is to keep Charlie Junior wrapped up, or simply keep your pants zipped.”
“This is crazy!” he protested.
“Maybe I’m just paranoid. Or maybe I’ve seen too many guys get into trouble by sticking their dicks in every hole available. So here’s something else I want you to do. How is it that you are screwing these girls and your mother and I find out when we walk in on you? If you like a girl enough to stick your dick in her, maybe you should have her come to dinner and meet us?”
“DAD!”
I stood up and motioned for my son to rise. “From now on, no more of this foolishness! The pool house is off limits for fun and games. What if your sisters had looked in the windows or come in the door?! You want to tell me how you explain that one?”
“Dad, what… I mean, where…”
“Do I look like I care? Figure it out! As for the rubbers, I’ll take you down to a pharmacy and show you where they are, but you have to buy them.”
Charlie had a terrified look on his face. “No, Dad, I can’t…”
“Wake up, Charlie! You think you’re man enough to need them? Then you’re man enough to buy them! And don’t think you can get one of the security guys to buy them for you, either. I am going to give them specific orders not to help. Man up, Charlie!” He looked dejected at that, but didn’t argue with me. “Now let’s go inside. Your mother is sure to be curious about where we are,” I told him.
Suddenly Charlie got a nervous look on his face. Me catching him wasn’t anywhere near as scary as his mother finding out. “Uh, Dad, you don’t have to say anything to Mom, right?”
I clapped him on the shoulder, man to man. “No, I won’t tell her.” Then I gave him my biggest and most evil grin. “You will!”
I led the way into the house; my now warm beer I grabbed as we passed it. Marilyn was in the kitchen, heading towards the laundry room. “Where have you guys been? You left your beer outside, you know,” she told me. I held it up to show I had grabbed it. Charlie promptly tried to slip past me and head out of the room. I grabbed his arm and pushed him towards his mother. She saw this and said, “Okay, what’s going on?!”
I kept my mouth shut. Charlie looked like he’d prefer facing a firing squad. He had a wild look in his eyes, and he was babbling a bit. I set my beer in the kitchen sink, and got another cold one, all the while staying between him and escape.
“Um… uhhhh… Mom… uhh… me and Missy…” he started, with the rest coming out in a rush.
By this point I felt safe stepping back, to open my new beer and take a sip. The results were fairly predictable. “CHARLIE!” followed by Marilyn clocking our offspring on the back of the head.
“Mom!?”
She smacked him on the head again and then started chewing his ass. I stood there, leaning against the refrigerator as she chewed on him, mostly about the same things I had said, like his sisters walking in on him, and his general irresponsibility. Then she turned to me and crossly said, “Well, don’t just stand there! Don’t you have something to say?!”
I shrugged. “I already said my piece to him. You’re doing fine all on your own.”
“Hmmmphhh!” She turned back to Charlie and sent him to his room to contemplate his sins. Charlie scooted out of the kitchen like a cat whose tail got stepped on. Marilyn looked at me, to find me with a sly smile on my face. “He’s your son!”
I smiled broadly at that. “Do you want me to summon him back here, so we can discuss your virginal attributes on your wedding day?”
“You wouldn’t dare!” I opened my mouth to say something, and she got in my face. “You just behave!” I started laughing at her, and she joined in a moment later. “It’s not funny!” she protested. That just made us laugh harder. After a bit, we caught our breaths. “Did this ever happen to you?”
“What, my parents walking in on me and a girlfriend?” Marilyn nodded at that. I simply snorted. “You saw my parents’ house. Where in the world would I have any privacy there? I committed my sinning elsewhere. It did get me in trouble, though, sort of.”
“How so?”
“Well, my parents never walked in on me, but Hamilton broke into one of my foot lockers and dumped a box of condoms on the table at dinner that night.” My wife gasped, and I described the incident. “It was one of the deciding factors in my moving out. He was totally out of control at that point.”