Chapter 19
~ January 2013 ~
~ Hayley ~
The funny thing about life and time is that no matter how much hurt or loss you experience, they both continue moving forward, and you can choose to fall behind or pick yourself up. I can’t deny my feelings for Cameron, or their depth, but I feel like walking away from him all those weeks ago at his father’s memorial service was my declaration of defeat. I hated giving in, letting both him and Rachel win, but when presented with the choice between humiliation and self-preservation, the need to protect myself wins out every time. I can’t risk making selfish decisions when my past could very well resurface, and unfortunately, Ari would be dragged into the messy crossfire just because she was born. I still love Cameron, but in my mind, I’ve rationalized that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, and that Cameron would have moved on once he got bored with me.
I walk through the front door of my grandmother’s house and toss my bag onto the floor with a thud. I’m exhausted after a long day of classes, but find that throwing myself into schoolwork has given me a much-needed escape from missing Cameron, both physically and emotionally. I thought it would be better by now, but who am I kidding? Some people spend a lifetime trying to get over their first loves and right now, I feel like one of them.
My grandmother is standing in front of the stove, with her sunny yellow apron around her waist, and singing along to some old country song. Ari is propped up in her high chair, watching my grandmother while she makes food, and sings along. I laugh quietly when she starts making up her own song, instead of going along to the tune playing on the radio in the kitchen. My little rebel child. She has a mind of her own, even at this tender age, and I hope she will use it to make smarter choices some day.
“Mommy!” she squeals, wriggling in her high chair until I pick her up.
“Hi monkey pants.” I kiss her on the forehead and bend to kiss my grandmother on the cheek.
“How was your day, sweetheart?” my grandmother asks. She looks away from the pot of spaghetti in front of her and up at me. We both know what she’s really asking, and rather than lie to woman who has a built in bullshit detector, I tell the truth.
“Long, but I’m okay today, Gama. I wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much though.”
Her forehead wrinkles a little more as her brows dip into a half grown half scowl. “I will never stop worrying about you, Hayley. Never. You’ve had a rough time lately, and I will keep asking you how are until I can tell for sure you’re not lying about being okay.”
Sighing, I lean my hip against the counter and look my grandmother in the eye. “I’m really okay today, Gama. I promise. In fact, it’s been one of the best days I’ve had in a while.”
Her mouth curves into a sad smile. “I love you baby girl, and it hurts me to see you hurting. I wish I could it away from you, but this is one of life’s lessons that you have to experience for yourself in order to learn from it.”
“I know, Gama. One day at a time, right?”
Her hand cups my cheek. “That’s my girl.”
Gama goes back to making some meatballs and I stand beside her in a comfortable silence, with Ari in my arms. She takes strands of my hair and plays with it, talking happily to no one but herself. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect child, I tell myself. My heart beats for this little person in my arms, and she’s the reason I wake up every morning ready to try again. I didn’t know the meaning of the term selfless, until I experienced the impossible kind of love that just happened after I held her in my arms for the first time. I might’ve lost Cameron, but maybe some day I’ll find a man who is capable of the kind of love that Ari and I need.
“Are you sure you girls will be okay on your own tonight?”
I smile at my grandmother. “Yes, Gama, we’ll be fine. I’m just bummed we’ll miss your delicious spaghetti and meatballs.”
“I’ll make it again sweetheart. The old folks at the retirement home have been looking forward to a decent home cooked meal for weeks, and I promised I’d make my spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a boy toy there, Gama?” I tease, arching a brow. She swats me with a dishcloth and I laugh. It’s a strange sensation, but most welcome.
“Don’t be silly! I’ve told you before, those men are too old and hopped up on Viagra. No thanks.”
“Viagra!” Ari repeats. “Viagra! Viagra! Viagra!”
My grandmother and I look at each other for a moment before being overcome with a fit of laughter. My eyes water and I feel the tension from the last few weeks leave my body. It feels good, to laugh and to smile, and I can’t help by think that everything will be ok.
My grandmother wipes her tears, and shakes her head playfully at Ari. “So, what are you girls going to do for dinner?” she asks, wiping her hands and taking off her apron. She takes the spaghetti of the stove and strains it before checking on the meatballs. The kitchen is swarming with a delicious scent and the mention of dinner makes my belly grumble. Ari giggles and I pinch her nose.
“Uh,” I look back at my grandmother. “I think I’ll grab us some take out from Joe’s.”
“I shouldn’t be home late.”
“Oh don’t come home early on our account,” I wink. “Your boy toy deserves a little more time with you.”
My grandmother tsk’s and shakes her head again, her mouth dipping into a small smile. “Let me get this food into some dishes before I’m tempted to whack you with my dishcloth again.”
Ari yawns, resting her head on my shoulder. “Okay, Gama. I’m going to take a nap with Ari for a while. See you later?”
She nods and kisses both Ari and me on the cheek before I make my way up to my room. I lay Ari down, pulling her as close to me as I can and listen to her breathing change. My eyelids flutter closed and soon I’m dreaming. About nothing. About everything.
“Are you ready to go, monkey pants?” I look at Ari, standing in the entryway with her thick pink jacket on. She looks like a marshmallow. Her brown curls bounce as she nods and she takes my hand so that we can walk to the car. I strap her into her high chair and take a drive to Joe’s diner. It’s busy for a Thursday night and I recognize quite a few people from some of my classes. I pick Ari up and walk in, not paying much attention to who fills the tables. I’m looking at a menu when Ari catches sight of something over my shoulder and starts squirming in my arms. Not thinking much of it, I place her back on her feet and go back to perusing the menu. When she takes off running and yells, “Cam!” I feel my heart stutter and stop. I turn around slowly, but just in time to see Cameron catch Ari. He’s sitting at a booth, and I see Hannah’s eyes grow wide when I spot her. Her expression is panicked, and I don’t understand why until my gaze travels over the other faces at their table.
Please, no….no no no no no.
The floor drops out from under my feet and the contents of my stomach bubbles up into my throat, cutting off my air. This isn’t happening, I chant. This can’t happen. I recognize the tightening of my chest and the inability to inhale a full breath as panic. Sheer panic. I stand still, as if time itself has slowed around me. All the sounds around me are distant, except one.