I like the friends I have, the few-minutes-a-day kind and the going-out-to-lunch-together kind. But I think it is important to acknowledge that there are many AS people who might never develop close friendships, even when they have learned how to be less egocentric, how to read nonverbal messages, how to express their wants and needs at the appropriate times and in the appropriate manner, and how to appreciate the nuances of proper friendship etiquette like secret keeping and personal space boundaries. I simply mean to say that truly close friendships are often very difficult to find, no matter who you are, and if I were counseling someone with AS, I think I would be very honest and objective about that possibility. I would try to explain that sometimes, no matter what we do and no matter how wonderful we might be, things happen to interfere with friendships. I would lead them, for example, through elaborated stories that illustrate people moving to far away towns, people getting wrapped up in their busy schedules, following different routines, having different interests, enjoying different kinds of play, and having their own set of difficulties and responsibilities. I would try to explain that sometimes time and place and sets of circumstances all work against real friendships. If this kind of open honesty is not a part of the total social skills counseling, I worry that an AS person’s literal minded thinking might lead them to believe in a magic friendship equation that says being nice + sharing toys + keeping secrets — friends and invitations to parties. I worry, what will happen if the equation does not work out?
If it were me, I would want to make it very clear that life can be great with or without a large group of friends, but I would still try to help the AS person to understand that friendships come in turns out differently, strong and enduring. I think I would try to help them look for friendship circles that would be most likely to include people they would enjoy. People who share the same interests, ideas, morals, beliefs and general lifestyles. I would encourage them to join special interest clubs. I would advise them to cultivate a few moments with people they see in their neighborhood, at work, at school or on the regular routines. I might suggest they find a four legged friend to keep them company, not just for the therapy animals can provide, but also because pets can often bring out the best in all kinds of people and because they can bring strangers together. It is my opinion that with good and honest social skills training and follow-through counseling that works to help the AS person find appropriate social circles, all AS people can find friends. The question I cannot answer is, will they?
My deep, dark fear, the one that makes my bones scream, is that there are AS people in search of friendships who will never find any, no matter what they do, solely because of their AS. With those people on my mind, my heart breaks, for I know the reality that will wound them as they stumble forward, deeply lonely and ever more estranged from others. I hope that, as society continues to break the boundaries of normal, the boundaries so many cannot see and so many cannot find, this blight which robs good people of growth and happiness will ebb into a distant hollow, unseen and forgettable. And then, maybe then, the world really will welcome all people.
5
Crossing the Bridge
As most of my AS traits continue to fade away, I have noticed the most tenacious of the lot scatter like bubbles in the breeze, popping up here and there and usually at the most inopportune moments, teasing me from the thought that I will ever be anyone else’s normal. Try as I might to catch and contain them, these are the qualities I will never lose and only rarely hide. I would not mind, so much, these reminders of my unique character, if they were of a different sort. For instance, I feel no shame over my poor spelling or my central auditory discrimination problems because the consequences they provoke are easily explained and largely benign. But when I discover I have let my guard down and wandered into a place that provokes my sensory integration dysfunction or my inability to cue in on someone’s point of view — I lose my footing and find myself dizzy, shaken, nauseated and hot — acutely hot, so hot it hurts to touch my face or focus my eyes. When this happens, I desperately look for the only person who can almost instantly save me from reeling beyond control. I reach for my husband.
No matter how many times I say it, I cannot overemphasize how important a strong support system is for people with AS. Friends and family members are of course crucial members of that support team, but I have to think that the majority of influence comes most naturally from the person we with AS choose to share our lives with, that is if we choose someone. I marvel at those in the Asperger’s community who find wonderful success seemingly without the support of someone close, for I know I would never have come this far if my husband had not been by my side. Not that our life together has always been easy. Like all married couples, we have had our share of problems, particularly when it comes to the one big issue that tears most marriages apart. The stuff of communicating.
By the time I met my husband I was pretty well convinced I would never understand anyone well enough to maintain something everlasting. The men I had been dating were nice men who shared some of my interests and hobbies, but with each of them there was always an unspoken and unseen something that stood between us — like the curtain that kept the truth of the Wizard from the people of Oz. I never gave much thought to what the curtain was hiding because when I did, it led me to distraction. I could not intrinsically or intuitively fathom what lay in the shadows, things I can now identify as the cornerstones for patience, flexibility, empathy and objectiveness. Before I came to terms with myself, these emotions were held at bay, nearly in my vision but just beyond my reach. It took years with my husband before I could swim to each one. Years before I could catch them and store them safely in my heart. My AS behaviors — the sensory integration problems, literal mindedness, perseverance and rigid thinking tendencies — acted like arrows tipped in poison that stood poised and ready to pierce every relationship I ever found.