While talking, Rosie’s moved closer to Abi, and this time Abi hasn’t pulled herself away because she wants Rosie to keep talking. She needs to hear this, desperately needs to hear these words no one ever says to her, these rare words: that she’s a good parent.
‘What if she …’ Abi’s crying properly now, overwhelmed as she’s about to say out loud the words that have haunted her for so many years: ‘What if she hates me because of it?’
Rosie nods, accepting Abi’s fear. Braver now, she reaches forward again and this time Abi lets her gently hold her bicep.
‘Yeah, I get it. She may get upset, but don’t forget she’s been raised by a strong, capable, free-thinking woman. I think she’s more like you than you know. Don’t underestimate her.’
‘But the lying, Rosie, the lying is just so shit.’Abi swipes at a couple more tears as Rosie briefly closes her eyes. Yes, Rosie knows about lying.
‘Yes, it is. It’s shit. You had good reason to lie, Abi. You were protecting yourself and your daughters from people.’ Rosie pauses before she decides to add what it is she’s really thinking. ‘People who don’t know you and believe too strongly in their own prejudices. People like Anna and a lot of other people in this town. People like me.’
‘Like you?’
Abi senses the threat of a trap again.
‘Well, maybe I’m finally waking up. I’m trying to unlearn a lot of stuff.’
Abi nods, looks away. She can’t figure out whether she should tell Rosie, whether it would sound trite. It doesn’t feel like the moment to hold anything back. Fuck it.
‘Look, I don’t know if this will help but, well, he talked about you, you know. Seb. When we met. He asked me what he could do to make things better.’
Rosie covers her face with her hand briefly before looking at Abi. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Why?’
It should be obvious, of course, but Rosie needs to hear it, just like Abi needed to hear that she’s a good parent.
‘Because he loves you, Rosie. Because he only wants to be with you. I think he came to see me to find out if someone else could cure this thing between you, but it didn’t work. He needs you.’
‘But how do I …?’
Ha! The irony that now Rosie is asking her, the whore, how to fix their marital issues.
‘Find a way to forgive him …’ Abi replies, aware how stupidly easy it is to say those words, how they belie the enormity of the task. Aware too, painfully, how this is exactly what she’s going to be asking of her own daughter. For Lily to find a way to forgive her.
She glances at the clock. That’s it, that’s all Abi can offer. ‘Lily is going to be home in a few minutes …’
‘I’ll get going,’ Rosie says, rubbing her face again and starting to make her way to the door before pausing and turning back to Abi. ‘Thank you for listening to me, Abi. I appreciate it.’
It feels awkward suddenly, like the honesty that just passed between them must be zipped, packed away before they can continue blundering through the dishonest world. Abi says, ‘Yeah, that’s fine.’ Before adding, ‘Thank you for coming over. Can’t have been easy.’
They walk the few paces to the front door in silence, where Rosie turns back to Abi and, looking her in the eyes, says, ‘Good luck,’ before closing the door behind her.
Less than a minute after Rosie has gone, Abi is listening to her daughter trying to open the sticky lock on their front door. She must have decided not to have lunch at school. Abi thought she’d have another half an hour to prepare herself, but suddenly the door opens and Lily, school skirt swinging against her thighs, is now pulling hard at her key which is stuck in the lock. Automatically, Abi wants to move forward to help her, but she stops herself. Rosie was right: her daughter is more than capable.
When at last Lily has got it free, she startles when she sees Abi. ‘Mum, why are you just staring at me?’ But she doesn’t wait for a response; instead she moves towards Abi, her eyes shining, popping with excitement as she kisses Abi on the cheek before moving past her into the kitchen, all the while chattering away.
‘This is the wildest day ever, isn’t it? First there was the assembly, and then have you heard about the radio show? I haven’t listened to it yet, but everyone at school is buzzing about it. Can you believe Mr Kent? It’s, like, so wild and so gross. Blake is mad – so, so mad – at his mum. He was saying he’s going to go home early to have it out with her. He thinks she had no right to do that to Mr Kent or this woman – the prostitute, I mean …’
Abi turns away from Lily, anguish overwhelming her briefly, before smoothing her features and sitting down at the Formica kitchen table.
‘You OK, Mum?’
‘Yeah, I’m just trying to take it all in, that’s all.’
Lily bends to open the tiny under-the-counter fridge, but she’s too excited to eat so it sighs shut. She stands back up and, turning to look at Abi again, says, ‘Mum, you know Blake?’
Abi feels the skin around her mouth crack into what she hopes is a smile and Lily beams back, her voice full of wonder, as she says, ‘Well, I think he likes me! He asked me out and we’re kind of getting quite close. But poor him – I mean, his mum has gone properly mental.’ She hardly pauses for breath before she adds, ‘Oh my God, and you’ll never guess who I just saw – Rosie! She was walking like she’s some kind of celeb who doesn’t want to get caught. Poor woman. I didn’t say hello, I know she saw me, but she looked totally broken. Do you think it’s OK that I didn’t say hello? I don’t want her to think I’m being cold, but Blake’s right, I reckon, it was no one else’s business, not really.’
Abi feels her heart beating too hard, like it’s trying to escape.
‘What’s this appointment I’m back for, anyway? Mrs Greene said something about the optician?’
Abi can’t answer.
Lily’s forehead pleats and she steps closer to Abi. ‘Mum, why are your eyes all red?’
Abi touches her face; it’s wet.
‘God, Mum, are you crying?’ Lily is nervous suddenly; Abi can’t remember a time when she would have seen her cry. Lily takes her hand and pulls her up into her arms so she can hug her. Her daughter is so strong. ‘Mum, Mum, what is it? Is it something about all the stuff going on today? I saw you in assembly, I …’
Then she stops again, finally tuning into Abi, into the atmosphere swelling thickly in the tiny kitchen. Abi wants nothing more than to let herself go at last, she wants to sob in the arms of her daughter and beg, beg her forgiveness. But that is what Abi wants, that is not what Lily needs, so she stops herself. Abi turns away from her briefly to breathe and Lily moves closer to her, touches her arm.
‘Are you sick, Mum? Is that it?’ Lily asks, panic lacing her voice.
Abi takes one last big breath, the breath that could ruin them forever and, turning around to face her daughter, she looks her in the eye as she says, ‘It’s me, Lil.’
Lily stares at her, frowning.
‘It’s me they were talking about on the radio. I’m the woman. The woman Mr Kent paid for sex.’
Lily’s shaking her head, like she’s trying to shake the words away. ‘Mum, what are you talking about? You were a therapist, Mum, a therapist …’
‘Lily, please sit down …’
Lily is still shaking her head and starts backing away from Abi. ‘Is this some kind of sick Halloween prank?’
Abi doesn’t say anything and Lily’s freckled face fills as she thinks all the worst things Abi has ever thought about herself. ‘No, Mum. No …’
‘Lily, please, let’s sit down. I want to explain, I want to explain everything to you …’ But Lily won’t sit, instead she’s shaking her head, and when Abi reaches out to touch her she shrieks, ‘Don’t! Don’t touch me!’