Eddy will never again get this chance, these brief seconds to say the words he should have said much earlier. When he opens his mouth, they come gently, slowly, like he’s talking from a part of him he didn’t even know had a voice, ‘I’m sorry.’
Abi just keeps her eyes on him, nods and turning towards her little girl says, ‘Oh, he’s just someone who needs to get better at looking where they’re going,’ as the two of them walk away, hand in hand.
As soon as Albie is in the back seat and they’re driving away from school, Eddy tells him that Anna has gone away for a few days. His head tries to steer him towards the emotional convenience of a lie – that she’s gone on a fun trip – but he battles against it.
‘The thing is, Albie, she needs a bit of space and time,’ he says. ‘She needs a break.’
‘Is she not feeling well?’
‘No. No, she’s not.’
Albie nods and glances out of his window and says, ‘I’ll make her a card,’ and Eddy’s about to tell his sweet boy that that’s a wonderful idea when Albie adds, ‘If Mum’s away, does that mean we can get fish and chips?’
Eddy smiles – he’s a chip off the old block – and says, ‘Absolutely.’
There are roadworks on the way home, the traffic’s bad, so they take a different route and it’s only when Albie points out of his window and says, ‘There’s Uncle Seb’s car,’ that Eddy clocks where they are. Unusually for this busy road, there’s a generous car space right outside Seb and Rosie’s place. Eddy finds himself suddenly indicating right and parking. He looks through the mirror at Albie in the back seat as though hoping his eight-year-old will be able to explain to him exactly what the hell he’s doing. That brief moment with Abi has emboldened him. Now is the moment for magic, the time for forgiveness and, besides, he hasn’t seen either Seb or Rosie since the fire.
Albie just blinks back at him and sensing another opportunity asks, ‘Can I wait here and play games on your phone?’
The curtains in the front room are half drawn but as Eddy approaches the front door he sees Sylvie and Rosie through the side pane in the bay window. Rosie notices him looking at her almost immediately, like she was expecting him. Eddy raises a hand and Rosie nods back, says something to Sylvie and walks out of the room. Eddy moves closer to the front door, but that feels too close; he steps back again. He rakes his fingers across his damp palms, tugs at his beard. He tries to think why he’s here, what he’s going to say, but his nervousness seems to have smothered all rationale.
He’s expecting Rosie so it’s a small shock when the door opens and Seb is standing there, opposite him. They haven’t been alone in so long. Eddy steps forward, his body forgetting everything because it just wants to feel the familiarity of his oldest, dearest friend. But Seb flinches back, away from Eddy, slightly.
‘Eddy,’ Seb says, a note of caution in his voice. ‘I didn’t know you were coming by.’
‘No, nor did I … I was just passing so …’ Panic sparks down Eddy’s spine. ‘Albie saw your car and I wanted to say, I just thought …’
Seb looks at Eddy, waits patiently, but he makes no effort to make this easier for Eddy. Seb’s calm makes Eddy flounder, so he blurts the first thing that comes to him. ‘Anna and I are separating.’
Shit. Eddy’s making it about himself again, so he adds quickly, ‘But you don’t need to worry about that; I’m not, like, expecting anything …’
‘I didn’t know,’ Seb says simply. ‘That must be hard. I’m sorry.’
He doesn’t say, ‘That’s got nothing to do with me,’ or, ‘I don’t give a shit,’ or try to close the door on Eddy. He doesn’t even look like he’s thinking any of those things, but he doesn’t reach to hug Eddy or open the door to invite him inside like he normally would.
‘Yeah, well, just thought I should let you know. She’s gone away for a bit so … if you … anyway, I …’
Seb keeps looking at him before he says, ‘I’ve been meaning to be in touch, Ed. I wanted to thank you, properly, for being here. That night. The fire. It was good of you to stay here with the kids. Thank you.’
‘Oh, Seb, of course, of course. Least I could do. I … How is Eva?’
Seb moves his head from side to side. ‘OK, under the circumstances. Been better.’
‘Any update on who did it?’
Seb shakes his head like he never expects there to be an update. Something’s different about him and Eddy’s not sure he likes it. Seb seems flat, a little absent, not even trying to make this less awkward, less icky. He’s putting no effort in, and Eddy starts to panic. It’s been too long since either of them said anything. This is going badly. Then Eddy lights upon the thing he’d forgotten – he’d known there was something!
‘Oh shit! Seb! The governors’ meeting – how’d it go?’
Seb breathes out, nods slowly and says, ‘Well. That’s been another surprise. We just found out yesterday. Because there was no proper evidence that I had used a school computer, they told me I can keep my job.’
‘Wow!’ Eddy opens his palms in celebration. ‘That’s amazing news. Congratulations!’
‘Yeah.’ Seb nods but he seems unsure whether it is good news or not. ‘Yeah, I suppose it is.’
‘You don’t sound happy about it?’
‘I don’t know, Ed. I’m just having a day where it feels like we’ve all lost so much.’
Eddy puts his hand on Seb’s shoulder, but he feels his muscles stiffen against his touch. He takes it away and desperately tries to steer the conversation back into warmer waters as he says, ‘The kids must have been pleased?’
Finally, Seb smiles properly and Eddy, encouraged, adds, ‘Blake told me about the poster.’
‘Yeah.’ Seb’s smile broadens; he laughs a little. ‘I think some of them were pleased. Blake kept on giving me high-fives.’
‘I bet.’ Eddy smiles with him, and for the briefest moment he can feel the two of them coming together again, like before, but almost immediately Seb starts to fall away again and Eddy, desperate, searches for a way to bring him back. ‘Listen, Seb, I was thinking maybe you and me could find a time to pay old Court Five a visit. I’ll bet she’s been missing us …’
Seb is gently shaking his head. ‘I don’t think so, Ed.’
‘C’mon, Seb. Don’t make this into something bigger than it needs to be. We both made mistakes. If we can acknowledge that, accept it, then I don’t see why we can’t go back to how things were before all of this …’ Eddy stops talking because Seb’s still shaking his head, harder now.
‘Ed, no. That’s just it, I don’t want things to go back to how they were.’
‘Well, how do you want them to be?’
‘I honestly don’t know. But I think … I think it’d be good if you just give me some space to figure it out.’
Eddy steps back. He knows when someone is breaking up with him; he’s had enough experience. Eddy bows his head and grabs his beard just as from inside the house a little voice – Greer, Eddy thinks – calls, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’
Seb turns back inside, calling, ‘One moment, sweetheart!’ before coming back to Eddy and motioning with his head. ‘I’ve got to go.’
Eddy says too loud, ‘Sure! Yeah, of course!’
Seb knows Eddy makes himself upbeat, jolly, because he doesn’t know what else to do with this awful sinking. Seb knows it but again he does nothing to try to make it better before he says, ‘Bye, Eddy.’
And just like that, Seb closes the front door.
Eddy stays there, on the top step, for a moment longer and feels his new aloneness swelling around him, and it hurts, but mostly it just feels strange. And he’s surprised that he can still turn away from the door he loves, still full and aching with the feeling, walk back to his car and say to his son, ‘Come on then, Albs. Next stop, fish and chips.’