CHAPTE R FOUR
Summer 1992
Seven Years Old
“You be a good girl, you hear, baby?” My mom brushed through the knots in my chestnut-brown hair, preparing to put it in pigtail braids.
“I will, Mommy.” I tried to turn and smile up at her. I knew she thought I always wanted her to braid my hair because I liked it in pigtails. But that wasn’t it. I thought pigtails made me look like a silly kid, and I didn’t want to look like a kid. I needed to grow up, so that I could take care of us both.
I actually never liked my hair in pigtails at all. But I never told my mom that. The real reason I always wanted her to braid my hair was because it was one of my favorite things to do with her. It was when she would talk to me without being distracted, when she wasn’t on the phone talking about money, when she wasn’t crying or angry. And because she needed to use both hands to braid my hair, she couldn’t smoke or drink either, and I knew that was good for her.
When my mom would braid my hair, she seemed happier as well. She would smile and hum to herself, and I loved it when she smiled. It made her look so beautiful, and it made me feel warm and happy inside.
But today felt different.
I couldn’t see her as she stood behind me, but I could tell that something was wrong today. She wasn’t smiling or humming today. “You don’t have to worry about me, Mommy.” I tried to stay positive and happy for her.
“You need to always listen to what Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom tell you to do, okay?” There was an unusual crack in her voice that made me sad, but I wasn’t quite sure why I felt that way.
“I will. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly. Stick a beetle in my pie.”
Suddenly, my mom started to laugh, but it wasn’t her normal laugh. This sounded like she was laughing and crying at the same time.
I turned around and looked up at her in confusion. “What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you laughing funny?”
“You’re just the sweetest girl any mommy can have, baby.” She beamed at me, and for a brief moment, her normal, blood-shot eyes looked clear and focused. She leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead, which instantly made me giggle with delight.
“That tickles, Mommy!” But my mom didn’t seem to hear me correctly, because she started to tickle me on both sides of my stomach, causing me to squeal and laugh, and I begged her to stop.
Finally, when my stomach hurt so much from giggling that I could barely breathe, she finally let me go.
“All right, enough fooling around, honey. Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom will be here soon. So if you still want me to braid your hair, then you have to stay still.”
“Okay, Mommy. I’ll be good.”
As she braided my hair, I brushed through my Belle Barbie’s brown hair, mimicking my mom’s movements. I smiled and kissed Belle on the cheek. She was my first and only doll. She was my best friend. I could still remember when I got her last Christmas. I had felt like the luckiest girl in the world when I opened the wrapped package. My mom said a secret Santa got it for me. She said that I had been a very good girl last year, and Santa wanted to give me something special this year. She was right. Belle was really special.
“Mommy?” I looked back up at her as she secured the hair-tie ball at the end of one of the braids.
“Yes, honey?”
“Do you know if there are books at Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house?”
“Why do you ask that?”
I held Belle Barbie up so my mom could see her. “Belle likes to read books. When she was living with the Beast, there was a library in his castle, so she was really happy. Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house is big like a castle. Does that mean they have a library too?”
My mom smiled down at me. “I can’t remember if they do, but there’s a library nearby that I’m sure Aunt Betty can take you and Belle to if you ask. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”
I grinned up at her and nodded enthusiastically. “Belle will like that a lot.”
“You and Belle will be really happy there.” Her voice sounded sad again.
I frowned, wondering if I had said something that made her upset.
“Mommy, how come you’re not moving to Aunt Betty’s with us?” I looked back up at her and made myself smile. I didn’t understand why, but I knew my mom was very sad, and I needed to be brave so she wouldn’t worry about me.
My mom didn’t respond right away. “Honey, you’ve asked me that before.”
“I know, Mommy. Sorry I don’t remember what you said.” I felt bad for lying to her, but I didn’t want to tell her that when I had asked her the other day, she had forgotten to tell me.
I heard her let out a deep sigh before she turned me around to look up at her. “Chloe, you’re a big girl now, and you deserve to know what is happening. So I will tell you something important, okay?”
I nodded.
When she bent down to face me, I could smell the usual stale remnants of alcohol on her breath mixed in with her morning cigarette. “Honey, Mommy is sick.” She paused and I saw some tears in her eyes. “For a long time, Mommy didn’t want to admit to herself that she was sick, but she is. And because she’s sick, she hasn’t been taking care of her baby girl the way a good mommy should.”
Her words scared me. “Are you going to die, Mommy?” I tried as hard as I could to hold back the tears that burned my eyes. I had to be strong for her. I had to be strong for the both of us. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking as I started to cry. I buried my face in her chest and held on to her as tightly as I could.
“Shh, honey,” she crooned as she held me. “It’ll be okay. I’m not going to die.”
I pulled my face from her chest and sniffled. “You promise?”
She nodded and smiled. “I’m going to get better, baby. I’m going to a place where they’ll help me get better.”
“How long will you be gone?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. It can be a long recovery process.”
“Oh.” I bowed my head and looked at the floor, trying to think about what she was saying. “Can Belle and I come too?” I looked up at her hopefully.
“No, I’m sorry, honey. It’s a place just for sick people to get better. That’s why you’re going to be living with Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. You’ll be happy there.”
I shook my head and pouted. I wasn’t happy with what I was hearing. “Mommy, I can pretend to be sick like you. That way I can be with you and take care of you. I can be really good at pretending. Please, Mommy? I just want to be where you are.”
“I really wish you could come too, baby, but you can’t. There are good people who protect kids like you and they think that Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom can take care of you better right now.” Tears streamed down her face, which made me very sad.
“Please don’t cry, Mommy.” I reached up and wiped away her tears with my fingers. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I will be a big girl for you, Mommy. I’ll take care of Belle and I’ll listen to everything Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom tell me to do. I’ll be a good girl. Please don’t be upset with me.”
She smiled, but her eyes didn’t twinkle like they usually did when she smiled at me.
But before I could ask any more questions, there was a knock at the door, causing us both to jump in surprise.
“All right, that must be them, Chloe.” My mom pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. I could hear the fast beating of her heart through her chest. “Remember to be a good girl. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Okay. I’ll remember.” My voice came out as a whimper as I tried to stay strong and not cry again. I could tell my mom was very sad, so I didn’t want her to see me cry anymore.
Thirty minutes later, after I had hugged her for a very long time, I was sitting in the backseat of a car with Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. The moment I felt the car engine roar to life, tears fell down my cheeks. I looked out the window and saw my mom crying, too.