“Well, we hope you’ll say ‘yes.’”
CHAPTER 24
SOME rational part of my brain knew that I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing that I would be putting Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.
Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.
“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”
The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”
“Can I call her?”
I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”
“Why not?” and the happiness in his voice had been replaced by confusion.
“Because, I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”
“What?”
“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I had meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.
“Fine.” And now he sounded hurt and angry.
“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”
I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.
We did, however, argue again about his coworkers and my continued refusal to spend time with them. And that night over dinner, he dropped the Christmas bombshell on me.
“Jared, the department is hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I really want you to come with me.” He didn’t expect me to agree. I could tell he was already braced for a fight. And with good reason.
I kept my eyes on my plate. “No way.”
“That’s it? ‘No way’? You won’t even consider it?” I could tell he was fighting to keep his voice even. He never yelled—I think he consciously chose to not act like his father— but his voice would get low and dangerous.
“I don’t need to consider it to know I’ll be miserable.”
“I’m going to be miserable too.”
I looked up at him and attempted to smile. “Exactly. So let’s stay home.”
“Jared, that’s not the answer. We have to be together. We have to make them face it. Eventually it won’t seem like such a big deal to them anymore.”
“Do you really think shoving it in their faces is the solution?”
“Nobody is ‘shoving’ anything in anyone’s face. You think I’m going to fuck you on the buffet table or something?” His voice was quiet and tight, like he was carefully controlling every consonant, every syllable a struggle. He was seriously pissed at me now. “I’m not an idiot. All I’m saying is they have to get used to seeing us together.”
“So I’m supposed to just stand there, pretending to have fun, while they point and laugh?”
“Maybe, yes.”
“No. Fucking. Way.”
That was the first night we went to bed still mad. I lay on my side of the bed, miserable, listening to him breathing on the other side. I knew he was still awake. I wanted so much to touch him, to bridge that gap. But there was nothing I could say that would fix it short of giving in, which I wasn’t prepared to do.
It went on for days. I knew in the back of my mind that this should have been a happy time for us. And at times it was. We watched football and we made love a lot. But most of the rest of our time seemed to be taken up by arguments over those two points of contention: my job offer and his fellow police officers. ’Round and ’round we went, and we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
It all came to a head one night at Lizzy’s house. She had invited us over for dinner. We argued for an hour before we got there about whether or not I should tell Lizzy and Brian about the job. Of course, he thought I should. But I didn’t want to cause trouble until I had made a decision.
We were snapping at each other from the minute we walked in the door. Everybody tried to pretend like they didn’t notice, but I knew they did. Dinner was quiet and awkward. We were just finishing up when Brian said, “Jared, we need to talk about the shop.” He looked nervous when he said it, and Lizzy was staring at her plate. Matt perked up but didn’t say anything.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Now that Lizzy’s been home with the baby for a few weeks, she’s having second thoughts about coming back to work.”
“Oh.”
“I know it’s been tough for you without her. You’re working long hours. And Ringo can’t help much, except on the weekends.”
“It’s okay—”
“Tell them,” Matt said, quietly enough that only I heard him.
I ignored him. “I can handle it.”
“No, you can’t, Jared,” Mom said gently. “You can’t do it by yourself.”
“You’ll want days off and vacations,” Lizzy interjected.
“Ringo will graduate next spring—” I started to say.
“Tell them,” Matt said a little more forcefully. Lizzy’s eyes darted to him curiously, but nobody else seemed to notice.
“Jared,” Brian interrupted, “he’s not going to stay. You know that. He’ll be going off to college. We could hire another high school student to help out, but it still won’t solve the problem.”
“Then what do you suggest?” I asked him.
“Well, we can look at the possibility of letting Ringo go and hiring a full time employee.”
“We can’t afford that. Especially since a full-time employee would expect benefits.”
“Maybe it’s time to think about selling it.”
“No—”
“Tell them!” This time it was loud enough that they couldn’t ignore him.
“No!” I hissed at him.
“Tell us what, Jared?” Lizzy asked with a challenge in her blue eyes.
“It’s nothing!” I told her and then turned to him. “Not now!” I couldn’t believe how angry I suddenly was at him. We had been arguing about it for days, and the fact that he would try to force my hand pissed me off to no end.
But he was staring right back at me, and he looked just as mad. “It’s not ‘nothing’!” He kept his gaze level on mine and said, “Jared has been offered a full-time job teaching at the high school next semester.”
“What?” Brian said.
“That’s great!” Mom said.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lizzy asked.
I barely heard any of them. “You incredible fucking bastard! I can’t believe you just did that!”
“Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to tell them for the last week—”
“What?” Lizzy sounded pissed now too.
“You knew I didn’t want to say anything.” My voice was getting louder.
His, on the other hand, was getting lower, his words clipped short as he got angrier. “And you don’t think that your job offer is relevant to this discussion?”
“You had no right!”
“I had no right? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
And now I really was yelling. “You had no right because it’s none of your goddamn business!”
Everybody froze. I saw in his steel-gray eyes all of the doors slamming shut in a way I hadn’t seen in months. His gaze turned icy, his face guarded and expressionless. “So that’s how it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”
He stood up and started to walk away.