Clearly not my brightest move ever. But being rational isn’t exactly on my radar right now.
I pound loudly on Kendall and Zoe’s door Saturday morning, and I know they’re both going to be pissed. “Let me in! I know you’re home,” I yell through the door like a maniac.
“Jesus Christ, Asp—”
I barge through before she can finish her sentence. “Give me something to break,” I demand franticly.
She closes the door and faces me. “What?” she asks in a gravelly voice. “What are you talking about?” She brushes the hair out of her eyes.
“Something breakable. China. Glasses. Stupid figurines. Anything will do.” I pace back and forth in her living room.
“All right, just hold on…” She drags her feet to the kitchen and returns with a glass plate. “Will this do?”
“Yeah, perfect,” I say in a rush, grabbing it from her fingers. I raise it above my head and forcefully slam it down on the hardwood floor. The plate shatters into a million little pieces, the sound echoing off the walls with a loud bang.
“What the fuck is going on?” Zoe asks, walking in from her bedroom. She looks at the damage, wide-eyed and speechless.
“I’m breaking shit. Got anything?”
“Have you lost your mind?” She turns and studies me. “Are you okay? You aren’t blinking. Have you slept?” She reaches out to feel my forehead.
I bat her hand away and scowl. “I’m fine!” I shout. “I just need to break stuff. Why is this a hard concept?”
“Well, for starters, you want to break our shit.”
“I’ve broken everything possible in my apartment, which, unfortunately, wasn’t much.”
“Fine.” Zoe exhales. “Only if you tell us what’s going on.”
“I can’t…” I start to break down. “I-I don’t know what the hell is happening to me. My mind and body and heart…I just—”
A tear slides down my cheek before I can wipe it away. “I’ve never seen you like this, Aspen,” Kendall says softly, stepping closer to me.
“I know.” I rub my eyes, clearing the tears away. “This is why I need to break something. I don’t let guys in for a reason. I won’t risk the heartache that comes with it. It’s too much!”
“Ooh, heartbreak anger!” Zoe’s eyes light up. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” Her lips pull into a knowing grin. “I’ll get the plates and Kendall you get the wine.”
“It’s seven o’clock in the morning!” she reminds her, but Zoe shoots her a look and directs her eyes to me. Kendall sighs and does it anyway.
I feel like bursting into tears right now, but I keep it under control. I have no idea why Morgan is affecting me this way. We’d hardly done anything at this point, but it feels like more than just the physical attraction. It’s more than the kissing and how he sets my body on fire. It’s the connection I feel when we’re together. It’s the mutual interest in art, the passion for creating pieces that mean something to us, the understanding of what art means to each other. The pain, the guilt, the inner struggle.
I’d never met anyone who’s completely understood before.
“Before I give you anything to break, we get to hear the whole story,” Zoe demands, and I groan.
“Can’t I just break a plate without being interrogated?”
Kendall snorts. “Not likely.”
“Why didn’t I just fuck him and move on like the rest of them? Why’d I have to go and like the stupid jerk?” I ask aloud with a harsh tone. Kendall hands me a plate and watches as I smash it on the floor. “I mean, who just kisses a girl—twice, I might add—and then leaves? Who the hell does that?” Kendall hands me another, and I add it to the rest of the shattered pieces on the floor. “And why does he have to be my goddamn professor?” I yell out before I have a chance to realize what I’m saying.
Their jaws drop. Silence lingers in the air except for my heavy breathing.
“Holy shit, Aspen,” Kendall finally says. “The professor you were talking about before?”
“Yes,” I quickly answer and continue, “I just need to fuck him out of my system. Fuck him and kick him the curb. It’s the only foolproof way I know.” I decide.
Kendall and Zoe stare at me, wide-eyed and toothy grins.
“What?” I finally take a breath and ask.
“You really like this guy.” Zoe nods.
“More than any other guy you’ve been with,” Kendall agrees.
“Yeah, well, I did. Before he pinned me up against the wall and kissed me the way he did…”
“Must’ve been some kiss,” Zoe mocks.
I sigh.
“Well, it was. It really was. But…it’s so much more than that. It’s the way I feel when I’m around him. The way he interprets the pieces I create. The way he looks at me as if he’s trying to figure me out…and then I find out he has a girlfriend after telling me he didn’t. So he’s just like the rest of them.”
I grab the last plate and slam it down.
“I should’ve known. Opening your heart only gives people the permission to break it. And once it breaks, it bleeds.”
After helping the girls clean up, we settle in with trashy reality shows and order in Chinese food. As much as I was keeping my feelings to myself about Morgan, I know I can trust them. The more I spend time with them, the closer I feel.
It’s almost as if they’ve been filling the void in my heart this whole time, and I hadn’t even realized it. Ever since meeting them, I’d kept my walls up, cemented and foolproof. But little by little, they’ve knocked them down, wall by wall. And, the thing is, I didn’t even really notice it until now.
Ariel and I used to talk about everything. Sometimes we’d even stay up late and just talk about what we wanted to be when we grew up or what college was going to be like. Even how we’d get pregnant at the same time so we could experience it together.
I hadn’t realized how much I missed having someone to listen to me until Kendall and Zoe came along.
“So, we need to know exactly what happened,” Zoe starts. “Who made the first move?”
I take a bite of my eggroll and furrow my brows as I contemplate on who did make the first move.
“Um…I think it was kind of mutual, but I want to say it was him. We’d been getting closer and closer all semester, but it was he who initially crossed the line. He rubbed his hand over my jaw and when he started to lean in, I leaned in, too.”
“Did your whole body just explode? Was your mind having a mini-freak out?” Kendall asks with glazed eyes.
I burst into easy laughter. “No, I’m not twelve. But I have brought Tristan into the shower with me a couple times after that.”
“Who?” Zoe’s nose wrinkles.
“Her partner in crime…” Kendall snorts.
I grab a piece of chicken and pop it into my mouth. “It’s creepy that you know that.”
“Well, then stop leaving him out in the open if you don’t want people to see.” She reaches over and grabs a box of noodles.
“It was in the shower!” I defend. “Stop being a snoop and you wouldn’t know these things.” I chuckle.
“Wait a minute…” Zoe interrupts. “We’re talking about dildos, right?”
Kendall and I burst out laughing, the noodles spewing right out of her mouth as we take in Zoe’s confused expression.
Once I’m finished clarifying who Tristan is, we all lounge on the couch in our pajamas with glasses of cheap wine for the rest of the night.
It wasn’t glamorous, but it was exactly the kind of night I needed.
I feel better after my night in with the girls. I’ve never felt that way before—the need to be destructive—but it felt good to release that anger instead of forcing it down. Opening my heart and mind and allowing myself to be vulnerable reopened a lot of the wounds from my past. Several tears and broken dishes later, I almost feel refreshed.
After work tonight is the life-drawing workshop, and I’m tempted to skip it, but I already promised Ms. Jones I’d stay and help clean up.
“You coming tonight?” I ask Kendall over breakfast in her kitchen. “Come see what the fuss is all about.”