Silent tears spilled down my cheeks, and I let the pillow catch them as I turned on my side away from the archway. No way did I want him to know that I was such a silly girl. I needed to get dressed and finish the night out in the library on the couch, just as I had the previous night. Obviously I’d freaked him out with my nagging questions. I hadn’t known the rules of this exchange, but I understood now, and they were not acceptable to me. I wasn’t going to be a side of fries.
Happily ever after is for fairy tales. If I could just remember that...
I sat up to look for my clothes. I thought I’d left the clothing from Cynthia draped over the bed, which meant it was likely on the floor at this point.
Good going, Taylor. Way to screw up the post-coital bliss. I couldn’t help the sarcasm. I had tried to warn him I wasn’t good at this stuff. More tears splashed down my cheeks, but I stood, pulling the fluffy blanket with me, and grabbed for my clothing.
“What are you doing?” The rough voice startled me from the doorway, and my heart quick-timed a beat in my throat.
I took a quick breath to calm myself before answering, “Just getting out of your way.” I kept my back turned, but my tone was light.
“Why?”
Ignoring the question, I looked down at the blouse I’d picked up. “Look, I’m new at this, so maybe there’s a memo out there I haven’t gotten yet, and so, I’m sorry for asking so many questions earlier. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Taylor.”
“No, I mean, who am I, right? We don’t know each other that well. Why should you want to share anything with me?” More scalding tears spilled down my cheeks, which was just humiliating and the reason why I wanted to keep my back to him. “I don’t belong here anyway, and I’m going back home soon. We’ll part ways, because we obviously, you know, don’t live in the same zip code. After a time, this will just be an adventure to remember.”
He came up behind me, encircling my upper body with the warmth of his. I loved how it felt in spite of it all, which just outlined how unfair life could be. He rested his forehead on top of my head. “Please come back to bed.”
“No. I mean, I really need to...” I took a shuddery breath as emotion welled. I couldn’t handle his gentle voice. I had no defense against it. It hit me straight in the heart. “I can’t keep doing this.” I shook my head. “I’m not used to this. What do you want from me?”
“Please.” The simple way he said it was enough. I just had no defenses against him, and I felt my head drop with defeat. I nodded and he took the blouse from my arms, tossing it away. I turned around, and he tilted my chin up. He saw the tears on my face and gently wiped them away, then pressed soft kisses to my cheek and neck, pulling me to his chest tightly. As good as he felt, my feelings were hurt, and I was feeling raw. Alone.
He picked me up and set me in bed, blanket and all. Feeling deflated and somewhat petulant, I tucked the blanket around myself and turned on my side, away from him, but that didn’t last long. Within moments, I felt Ryder’s weight on the bed. He quite deliberately pulled up the side of the blanket that I was using, and I felt the warmth of his body spooning mine once again. He’d shed his pants, and his muscular arm scooped me tightly back against his chest, which, if I was being honest with myself, was exactly where I wanted to be. His hand was covering my stomach, rubbing gentle circles.
“Look, I’m not used to explaining myself to anyone,” he rumbled into my ear.
“Yeah, well, now I’m here,” I said quietly, “and you are affecting my life now.”
“I know.”
“And you have to consider me.”
“I know.”
“I deserve to know what’s happening, especially when it involves me.”
Silence stretched for several moments. I was about to give up with grave disappointment.
“You looked dead,” he said quietly. “You were lying there so still, and I thought you were gone. I couldn’t feel your energy signature at all. That’s rare for me.” His arms tightened in memory.
“Oh, Ryder,” I sighed tenderly. “But I was okay.”
“You don’t understand. There’s never been a time that I couldn’t feel someone’s energy signature. It’s a gift of mine. I can sense the energy of all living things.”
“You couldn’t feel my energy for the five hours I was asleep?”
“The only other time I lost touch with someone’s energy signature was with my sister, Asily. When I found her dead.”
The terrible truth of that hit me.
“Oh, Ryder!” I sat up and turned around, wanting to comfort him.
His eyes were dark and shadowed with remorse as he looked into the past. He seemed hard, yet vulnerable, which made my heart ache for him. He was so strong and tough, keeping me safe, taking care of me—but seeing him like this made me feel protective. I slid onto his broad chest and nuzzled my lips into his neck, loving his spicy smell. Setting my head back on his shoulder, I tilted it at an angle to be able to see him.
“I’m sorry, Ryder. I didn’t mean to make you relive something so painful. I can see why you’d be so upset.”
He shook his head. Looking bleak with the weight of his guilt, his gaze met mine.
“It’s my fault she died.”
Chapter Thirteen
What?
His words had been spoken in a deathly quiet voice. I didn’t understand what he’d said, because the idea of anyone being responsible for the horrific death of a sibling was incomprehensible, and I leaned up on an elbow to better see his face. He didn’t meet my searching eyes, and instead, he stacked his arms behind his head. A somber resolve fell over his face, a curtain that masked his inner world, as he looked up at the ceiling.
I was blocked out again. Disconnected.
“You wanted to know, so now you do, but I don’t talk about it. Ever,” Ryder said firmly, his eyes shuttering. I could feel him withdrawing from the conversation emotionally.
Though his face took on the now-familiar stony, implacable look, I could see the pain in his eyes, which was now unbearable to me. In spite of feeling like I was reaching into the lion’s cage, I stretched a soothing hand to his face, but he didn’t want to accept my comfort. He flinched away, catching my hand firmly.
“I don’t believe it.” My voice quivered. I pulled my hand back, hating the feeling of being rebuffed after the intimacy we’d shared, particularly since I was still sitting with a sheet clutched up to my naked breasts. Besides, what had he expected me to do after making that kind of statement? Say “There, there,” and let it go? That’s not who I am, and yet I felt like I’d waded into some shockingly cold water.
He shot a look at me, and in a hard voice he said, “Just because you don’t want something to be true doesn’t make it untrue.”
Deeper water. Icy. “And by the same token, just because you think something’s true doesn’t automatically make it true.”
“Leave it alone.”
He turned away, punched his pillow and set his head on it, effectively shutting down our talk. I was left staring at his back.
The Alaskan tundra might as well have been between us for the sudden freeze-out that took place. Being a girl without any kind of relationship experience or sense of self-confidence in my personal life, I lay there tense, feeling cold. It was probably the worst thing he could have done. Yelling at me is more tolerable than pushing me away. At least someone who’s yelling at you notices you.
The bed suddenly felt so cold, and I wished I had some clothes on. Being naked made me feel vulnerable. I lay back on my side, faced away from him, and pulled the blankets up to my neck. A flashback to my aunt’s trailer and the remembered horror of being reliant on someone who didn’t want me there cropped up to keep me company in the silence of the room. My aunt’s not-so-quiet conversations about “little Miss Thinks-she’s-better-than-everyone-else, just like her mother” had been common, along with “isn’t she just such a smarty-pants smart-ass who just thinks her shit doesn’t stink.”