I’d frequently wondered what my aunt meant by that, because I always tried so hard to be helpful, cleaning up the trailer and getting a part-time job to help pay for bills, groceries or just whatever was needed. And still, I was always on the shit list. My cousin was the problem. She was the teen getting drunk, staying out late, having boyfriends left and right, arguing constantly with my aunt, her mother.
My heart clenched, wishing for a place where I could find solace, just be me, and not have to constantly wonder if I could trust the people around me to not want to hurt me. I needed my own space. I needed to go home, but where was that? I just didn’t know anymore. My apartment was no longer that space, having been violated by a burglar.
I felt small and alone in a way I hadn’t felt for so long.
“Dammit,” Ryder suddenly growled. Abruptly, he turned over and scooped me into a spoon again. I was enveloped in his strength, warmth, spicy scent and scratchy whiskers against my neck, feeling a sense of unwelcome rightness. Reminding me that he was listening in, he muttered, “You’re here because I wanted you here. Safe. Now go to sleep.”
Reluctantly, somewhat sullenly, I acknowledged the pleasure his actions brought me, but it was disheartening to realize how much I wanted him with me. How could this go well? It wouldn’t. I could sense things waiting out there in the darkness, just biding their time before they chose to come to light. Something was going to pop its ugly head out, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be prepared for it.
“Don’t overthink it,” he muttered with a gentle squeeze, and with no small amount of exasperation, I finally put my mental wall up so I could think my thoughts in peace. Sheesh. I still wasn’t used to this new, superexposed life.
There were so many things I wasn’t used to, and that included the relationship I’d found myself in. In the three years since I’d moved out from my aunt’s trailer, I hadn’t really had to answer to anyone, but now Ryder had expectations.
Wow. Expectations.
I was so unsure of what they were, where the lines were drawn, and what was considered normal. I couldn’t help feeling insecure, which made me question everything that was happening. And really, what was happening here?
What was so bad that he had to shut down? What had happened to his sister? If we were going to agree on this kind of intimacy, didn’t I have the right to full disclosure? I could almost feel the unfinished energy surrounding him on Asily. She was the key to him and his behavior, and she was the reason why he was so adamant about my safety.
Just do it whispered through my mind.
Who’d said that? And what should I do?
Quietly, I listened for the whispered voice, but I only heard the wind outside. It had picked up and was gently whining against the curvature of the cave dwelling. Ryder didn’t seem concerned, so I relaxed.
It wasn’t long before I felt Ryder’s deep, even breathing.
He was so freaking confusing! Why was he so...so...moody? When he’d thought I’d dreamwalked into his dream a few nights ago, he’d been so angry. I hadn’t meant to. I hadn’t tried to. Then he’d turned passionate, hitting both ends of the spectrum in the space of ten minutes. This reality was so confusing. His world had layers that I knew nothing about, cultural norms that I had no ideas about.
Hold up.
Could I?
Should I?
Why, yes, I could, should and would. It was easier to handle something uncomfortable when in an alternate state of mind. I’d learned that, trying to assimilate the idea of being on a new planet, for crying out loud. He’d joined me in enough of my dreams without invitation, the big hypocrite. Double standards were not acceptable.
The longer I thought about it, the longer a very Grinchy idea surfaced. And really, he’d pushed me into this by not being more forthcoming to begin with, because now I was in a position of survival, wasn’t I? He was not sharing something, of which the side effects directly affected how he treated me, when I was completely reliant on his good will.
It was time to take my life back and figure out what was missing from the picture I’d found myself in.
It was time to dreamwalk. If I had been able to do it by accident, then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to figure it out deliberately. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Concentrating on his image, I alerted to his energy signature, which my energy seemed to recognize naturally, and followed it to its source...
I was running through the woodlands with twigs and branches catching in my hair. Huge, monstrous fernlike vines grew magnificently like ivy around the trees, topping them with colorful pink and lavender blooms. Coming to mind were postcard pictures of Hawaii, though this place did not feel humid and tropical. The leafy growth made the air feel cool and refreshing, and dappled sunlight slanted through the trees. Looking up through the canopy of flowers, I could see that the woods I was in were actually part of the foothills of the mountains that were straight ahead. As I looked up at them, they felt imposing. Dark. Foreboding. I shivered as I noted the sharp crags and crevices.
A flash of movement through the trees reminded me that I was there to find Ryder, and I took off in that direction in a run. A young boy, maybe around twelve, with shaggy black hair, was dribbling around the trees expertly, in random directions, sometimes stopping to kick his ball at the trees so they’d bounce it back at him and sometimes just juggling it in place between his feet, knees, sternum and head.
Grabbing a mental image of myself at age ten or eleven, I morphed into my child self and jogged out of the brush. Child Ryder scowled at me. He looked a lot like adult Ryder when he did that.
Who are you? His tone was confrontational, not at all friendly.
Tay. I live around here.
He looked at me suspiciously through his lichen-green eyes. No you don’t. I know everyone who lives here.
We just moved here.
No you didn’t. No one submitted a petition of relocation at the last council meeting.
Sheesh. Who knew it was such a major undertaking to move? Added to that, Ryder was naturally an authoritarian. He was standing tall and assured, his hands braced on his narrow hips, which was also very like adult Ryder when he was getting ticked with me.
My parents are visiting with friends to see if they want to move into the area.
Which friends?
Cynthia Rabek.
He weighed that for a moment, likely recognizing Cynthia’s family name. Apparently it wasn’t unheard of for people to visit each other. Where is she? Why isn’t she with you?
I wanted to come out and play, but she didn’t want to.
He accepted this readily enough. With an apprehensive glance around, he gave a half-hearted smirk. We’re not actually supposed to be out today. There was a report of border disturbances. You should go back to the Rabeks’ home.
You probably should too then, I said pointedly.
I can handle myself. I went through ODM training already. He said this somewhat uneasily, with a glance up at the mountain.
ODM?
Retaining a superior expression when he looked down at me, he clarified, Offensive-defensive-maneuverings training.