I make it all the way to Greenbriar pasture before I start sobbing.
It’s late on Sunday afternoon, and everyone’s enjoying post-church supper with their families so the racetracks are deserted. Only a few farmhands are around, monitoring the grazing horses. I open the gate, and Star immediately jogs over to me, whinnying softly. He doesn’t stop to show me respect; he buries his nose in my neck and sighs.
“I love you too,” I whisper into his mane.
How could Dad yell at me like that? Doesn’t he care what I feel for Jack? It’s not like I ever yelled at him when he got Cindy pregnant when there’s no way in hell he could afford another kid. And I haven’t been selfish at all. Of course, Dad doesn’t know I asked Mr. Goodwin to supplement Cindy’s paychecks with my own…
Jack’s three dogs bound up, panting and slobbering all over the place, chasing each other around the cedar trees. I turn to find Jack looking over his shoulder toward the manor house.
“I was hoping I’d find you here,” he says, the corner of his mouth lifting into a subtle grin. “This is becoming our spot.” He gestures at the pasture.
I nod, giving him a little smile.
“What’s wrong?” he whispers.
I shake my head, not ready to talk yet.
“Let’s walk,” he says. I follow him out the gate and toward the lake. Star snorts, upset that I’m leaving him behind.
Jack leads me down to the lake with his hounds in tow. There, he wipes the tears out from under my eyes and I curl up against his chest. That gives him the opening he needs, I guess, because soon we’re kissing and his hands are in my hair and I’m running my hands under his T-shirt, dragging my fingertips over his abs. It’s a warm September evening and the stars are just beginning to peek out. Twilight.
“If I take your clothes off, Jasper will steal them,” Jack murmurs between kisses, as he unsnaps my bra, leaving my shirt on.
“Wouldn’t want that,” I say softly, laughing.
We lie down together in the grass, him straddling my hips, reenacting what we did last night. He unbuttons my jeans and slides them down until they’re hooked around one of my ankles, and he kisses and touches me until I’m tingling all over. But we go a step further, doing something I’ve never done.
“Are you sure?” he whispers, threading his fingers through my hair, and I nod. I take him in my hand and go down on him—because I want to. It’s awkward and I’m scared I’m doing something wrong, but I love feeling close to him. He seems to like what I’m doing…
When we’re both finished, he presses his cheek to mine and whispers, “Are you feeling better?”
I nod, snuggling against his chest.
“I’m sorry we got interrupted last night,” he says softly. “I’ll have to take you up to our weekend cabin in Kentucky sometime soon, so we can have privacy…”
I love the idea of being his houseguest at their cabin. I’ve never been there, but I heard Jodi telling Cindy about it. Jodi said it was about the prettiest place she’d ever seen, covered in ivy like straight out of a fairy tale.
I smile into Jack’s shoulder, close my eyes, and enjoy the sounds of water lapping gently against the banks. “Jack?”
“Hmm?” he mumbles, playing with my hair.
“If I were to, like, go see the guidance counselor tomorrow at school…would you, um, come with me?”
“What are you going to talk to her about?”
“I was looking at some colleges online but I don’t know if any of them will work for me…because Dad can’t pay for any of it.” I suck in a deep breath, embarrassed out of my mind. “And if the guidance counselor says something I don’t understand I thought maybe you could help me?”
Jack kisses my head. “Sure. I can do that. But don’t you think you should bring your dad, not me?”
I grasp his T-shirt and twist it, holding on tight. “I talked to him and Cindy a little while ago, and my dad brought up college when I was telling them about me and you and how we might be together and I don’t think he wants me to apply—”
“You told your dad and Cindy about us?” He sits up straight, knocking me off his chest. I bring myself to a sitting position and start to resnap my bra. Why’s he acting so skittish? “Why did you do that?”
“I like talking to my dad,” I say quietly.
“You told him what we did last night?” he exclaims.
“No, no,” I say, waving my hands. I swallow hard, feeling tears burn my eyes again. “I just told Dad and Cindy that I like you and I’m not gonna stay away from you like they want me to.”
“I wish you would’ve talked to me before just announcing we’re, like, a couple or whatever,” Jack says, dragging a hand through his hair. He looks seriously pissed.
“I didn’t tell him that!” I nervously pick blades of grass. “I told them I like you…and wanted to be with you, that’s all.”
Jack lets out a long breath. “Look, I’m glad you feel that way, but we can’t have a real relationship.”
“We can’t?” I whisper.
“You know we can’t. I thought you wanted to be together…like, in secret. As friends with benefits.”
Did he really just say friends with benefits?
“Like, we’d hook up, but we’d never go out on dates and stuff?”
“Yeah. We’d be together on the down low.”
Did he really just say down low?
“Why can’t we just try it for real? See what people say?”
Jack won’t stop clutching his hair. “Is your father gonna tell my dad? You can’t let him tell my father! I have to show him I’m a good owner who respects his staff.”
Tears have already begun to drip down my cheeks. I wipe them away as quickly as I can. If he didn’t hold all the power before, he does now. I gave it to him.
“I’ll make sure my dad doesn’t say anything,” I say quietly.
“Good, because my dad hasn’t finished the Paradise Park deal yet. If the Winchesters think I’m dating somebody else, it’ll ruin everything for Dad.” Jack shakes his head. He looks pissed.
This is one of those bad memories that’s going to play on repeat over and over in my head. Like the memories of Moonshadow. I can’t believe I shared her story with Jack. Maybe I was right before. Rich people are all alike. Only care about their goddamned money. Only care about what’s best for them.
I dig my fingernails into my palm, trying to decide the best thing to say. Something I won’t regret when I look back on this moment.
It’s weird. I’ve never felt so many things at once. Anger. Shame. Sadness.
More humiliation than I’ve ever experienced.
But mostly pride for what I’m about to do.
“I won’t do this in secret,” I say. “It’s terrible that a business deal is dependent on you playing Abby Winchester. I hate that a deal is more important than my feelings. Do you have any idea how shitty it’s gonna feel to tell Dad and Cindy that they were right about you?”
“What about me?” he mumbles, his nostrils flaring.
I laugh harshly. “They said you lose interest in girls after a couple days and that I wasn’t anything special. They’re right. If I were special, you wouldn’t want to keep me a secret.”
“It’s not that, Sava—”
“Save it,” I reply, crossing my arms across my stomach. I feel sick. I can’t believe what I just did with him…and then this happens. “You may not respect me, but I respect myself enough to not do this with you. I hope your dad gets his racetrack and I hope it’s worth what it’s costing you: me.”
Chapter 17. Dead Last
“Do you want me to kick his ass?”
I try to focus on my geometry homework through my anger.
“Because I can kick his ass,” Rory goes on.