10. A bladeless knife missing its handle is simply not there.
11. Someone with a corner seat cannot have neighbors to the right and the left.
12. If Anton’s housekeeper is deaf and alone in the apartment, she wouldn’t know to open the door after Heinz rings the bell.
13. If someone lives on the sixth floor, a two-story building cannot block his view and he cannot see the faces of passersby.
14. If the train station clock reads 14:00, it’s 2 pm, not 4 pm.
15. The crescent of a waxing moon looks like the start of a German uppercase “A,” not “Z.”
“Ein verrückter Tag, Dreißig Knacknüsse,” GS, 7.1, 306–15. Translated by Jonathan Lutes.
Broadcast on Southwest German Radio, Frankfurt, probably on July 6, 1932. The Südwestdeutsche Rundfunk-Zeitung announced for the Youth Hour on July 6, 1932, at 3:15 pm, “ ‘Denksport’ [Mental Exercise], by Dr. Walter Benjamin (for children ten years and older).” “A Crazy Mixed-Up Day” was most likely the text Benjamin prepared for this broadcast.
1 “Moor’s Head,” a direct translation of Benjamin’s Mohrenkopf, is rarer in English as a name for this chocolate-coated marshmallow pastry. The English term for this dessert is usually “mallomar,” and the modern-day German is Schokokuss, “Chocolate Kiss.”
2 Benjamin has made a mistake here. There are only 499 number pairs adding up to 1,000, giving a subtotal of 499,000. Adding the two remaining numbers, 1,000 and 500, gives a correct total of 500,500. Correspondingly, the sum of the numbers between 1 and 10 is 55. Benjamin’s mistake was first corrected in the GS, 7.2, 649–50.
3 There were ten pfennig in one groschen, and 100 pfennig in one mark.
SECTION II: Radio Plays for Children
Much Ado About Kasper and The Cold Heart (with Ernst Schoen) are Benjamin’s radio plays for children.
CHAPTER 30. Much Ado About Kasper A Radio Play
Dramatis personae
KASPER
HERR MAULSCHMIDT, RADIO MAN1
FOOD SELLER
CAROUSEL MAN
BOOTH OWNER
SHOOTING GALLERY MAN
LION KEEPER
PUSCHI, KASPER’S WIFE
Also with
HERR MITTMANN AND HERR GERICKE FROM THE RADIO STATION
TRAIN STATION MASTER
LIPSUSLAPSUS, A SPIRIT
THE FIRST AND SECOND SHOOTER
CHILDREN AND ANIMALS
The sound of whistles and horns from a ship.
KASPER: Sure is a foggy morning. More horns.
KASPER: They’re trying to break our eardrums with that racket. But it’s not easy going for ships in this fog. Just today my wife Puschi sent me to the market. She wants a flounder, a flounder eight centimeters long. Can’t forget that. And it’s gotta be fatter than last time. Eight centimeters, by golly, and I forgot my tape measure at home — I’d just got to the market. The market, where is it anyway? Yikes, I pretty near marched right into the water with all this fog. You can’t see a thing. — But if you can’t see anything, how do I see the fog? It seems to me, you can’t even see the fog on account of all the fog. — Do I see the fog or don’t I! — If I can’t see it then I must be seeing somethin’ else. — And if I do see it, then I see it, and it can’t be foggy.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Darn it all! Can’t you just open your eyes? Do you have to barrel into people?
KASPER: How can I barrel into people? I can’t even find ’em in this fog.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: That’s an interesting take, YOU knock ME in the belly and YOU get cross!
KASPER: Why don’t you buy a foghorn like the other guys? Another horn from a ship.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Is there something wrong with you?
KASPER: Just open your ears! Can’t you hear the man blowing his horn? That’ll stop it from happening.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: You must be out of your mind. That was a steamboat.
KASPER: For all I care, you can jump in the water too, old pal.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Who are you anyway? You impertinent fellow!
KASPER: Pardon me, but to whom do I have the honor of introducing myself?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Maulschmidt.
KASPER: Come again?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Maulschmidt.
KASPER: I have to ask, old pal, how do you smith a mouth? I thought at best they were stuffed.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: You scoundrel, you! I’m not a mouth-smith, it’s my name.
KASPER: Sure, old pal, but I just asked who you were.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What do you think you are?
KASPER: What you are, who you are, now I don’t give a damn.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: How dare you say such a thing! I’m an upright person.
KASPER: For an uptight person, you seem pretty loose to me.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: I don’t intend to waste my time with you any longer. March! Give me your name and then it’s off to the precinct with you! Now listen, buster, where do you come from?
KASPER: I come from my native country.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And how do you write the name of this country?
KASPER: It’s written with ink on paper.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Enough, my patience is wearing thin. Will you tell me your name, or won’t you?
KASPER: If it weren’t so foggy, old pal, you’d know it by now.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What’s that supposed to mean? Do you wear your name painted on your chest?
KASPER: No sir, but I have a colorful skirt.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: So you’re a soldier, are you?
KASPER: Not exactly. — But you know what, old pal, I’ll let you guess my name.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: How can I guess your name? This is monkey business.
KASPER: Hang on, old pal. Here it is, for last names I write Spar. And my first name starts with a K.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Your first name I don’t care to know. So let’s go, off to the precinct, Mr. Spar!
KASPER: So take him in. I’m not Mr. Spar.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Rogue! But you just said you were.
KASPER: But you do need my first name.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: This is a devilish game. (Spoken with increasing excitement, and finally as a joyful cry of discovery.) Kay Spar … Kas-par … Kasper!!!
KASPER: Bravo, old pal, I’m Kasper indeed.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What luck, Kasper! This is truly a happy day. I’ve been looking for you for quite some time.
KASPER: You were looking for me, old pal? Whatever for?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Kasper, I have to tell you a happy little secret: I’m actually a radio announcer.
KASPER: Well, well, you don’t say!
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And for a long time it’s been my goal to place you, Kasper, the age-old and famous friend of children, in front of the microphone.
KASPER: That ain’t gonna happen.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What’s that, Kasper? Do I hear you correctly? You’d turn down the exalted and solemn honor of speaking on the radio?
KASPER: You bet!
MERR MAULSCHMIDT: But why?
KASPER: You know, old pal, if you really wanna know, I can tell you.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Oh Kasper, do tell!
KASPER: But do I understand you correctly, old pal? You’re in radio?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Most certainly.
KASPER: You know, with all those sparks [Funken] flying around [rund], I might try to catch one and then I’d catch fire myself.2