HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Kasper, you don’t even know what radio is. Stick close to me and I’m sure you’ll get a better sense of what it’s about.
KASPER: Let me think about it on the way. Street noise.
KASPER (after a while): See this iron fence? The one we’re walking along? I wanna count the stakes.
The sound of him striking each of the stakes.
KASPER: I’ll speak — I won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Look around you, Kasper, we’ve arrived!
KASPER: Huh? This ugly box?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: The Radio Palace.
KASPER: There must be more windows than you can count. Is that where they’re locked up and forced to hear radio?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Follow me, Kasper, and I’ll explain everything to you.
Pause.
KASPER (softly): So much quiet makes me uneasy.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Shhh, you’re not allowed to speak here.
KASPER: I thought you brought me here to speak.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: In here, Kasper!
KASPER: Funny place. What are all these cages for? Do you keep mice in there?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Those are the microphones, Kasper. You’re now about to speak into such a microphone.
KASPER: Then what happens?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Then people hear you all over the world.
KASPER: Even in Putzingen? (Aside.) That’s where Seppl lives, I’ve wanted to give him a piece of my mind for some time.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Of course, now we’ll switch it on.
KASPER: If I had my druthers, I’d like to listen for a bit first.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Certainly, Kasper, with pleasure. Dresden, Posen, Brno, Milan, Brussels, Kassel, Linz, London, Vienna, Riga, Breslau — whatever you want. Just turn this knob and then you hear it!
Good Lord, Kasper, not like that!
We hear a minute of fading noises.
KASPER: It seems to me it’s all the same. It’s a mess. (More fading noises.) This is a wreck, I can’t make anything out.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Herr Mittmann, Herr Gericke, come quick! Switch it on. Kasper’s speaking.
KASPER: Now Seppl in Putzingen is hearing this.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: I should think so. — Everything ready, Herr Mittmann?
Voices: Quiet, Kasper’s speaking.
KASPER: If only it weren’t so far, I’d be in Putzingen now, where I’d wet my whistle so Seppl would hear me loud and clear.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: If you get stuck, I’ll head right down to the cafeteria and get you a tall one.
KASPER: That would be just fine. Now seems to me the perfect moment. (He clears his throat.) You miserable wretch, you! Sorry creature! You hear me? Who bought you to play the snitch? Just as I was sitting pretty. There’ll be payback, my friend. You cursed lout, you scum! Lemme get my hands on you just once! I got something for you that’ll suit you just fine—
A telephone rings.
Woman’s voice: Long distance service. Yes, sir. I’ll connect you.
New voice: Putzingen police. Is that the radio station?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Oh my! Switch it off! Disconnect! Kasper, the menace, the rascal. I turn my back for just a second … Herr Mittmann! Herr Gericke! Get him! Get him! Dead or alive, I must have him, that Kasper.
Sounds of doors slamming, things breaking. Another telephone rings. Cars honking.
Shouts: That way! Around the corner!
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: He’s gone, but we’ll get him. That’ll be a laugh.
Pause.
KASPER: Whew! That’ll leave you gasping for air. Thank heavens I found a peaceful, out-of-the-way place to rest. Finally I can have a breather. A breather? Well put, Kasper. I gotta high-tail it for home. It’s a miracle I’ve still got the fish. And Puschi, she must be starving by now. No, really, I gotta hop the fast train. (He repeats in a pondering tone.) Train, train, train … Just as I say it, there it is. And that’s the station. Damn. Damn. Half past two. The train to Tuntenbühl must be leaving soon. Let’s have a look at who all’s going to Tuntenbühl today.
We hear commotion and the patter of feet.
What’s all that scampering? Someone’s scared to miss the train. And now here comes a whole slew of people? And I know that guy leading the pack. Why, if it isn’t Herr Maulschmidt himself.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Hey! Hey! That’s him, walking over there. That’s just like him, off to Munich and then out of sight.
Other voices: But this time we’ve got him. We’re gonna nab him. Let’s make tracks!
KASPER: This is looking a bit dicey to me. If I knew my way around the station, I could surely hide away somewhere. I’ll have a look at the luggage lockers.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And check under the bags to make sure he hasn’t holed up in there.
KASPER: Alas, not much hope with the luggage. How about the waiting area?
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And you, Herr Gericke, go to the waiting room! And look under all the tables!
KASPER: Not much luck in the waiting room either. The best would be if I stood here behind these columns.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And you, Herr Mittmann, look behind all the columns!
KASPER: I’ve whistled my last tune.
The whistle of a locomotive.
KASPER: I’ve really blown it. How about if we try knocking? Maybe this glass door will help?
He knocks.
KASPER: No answer.
He knocks harder, everything remains quiet. We hear the sound of a creaking door.
KASPER: The people in this station are so nice. They don’t even lock the doors.
Pause.
Hey, what’s this cap here on the table? A beautiful red cap with a visor. Just like the one Xaverl had, the station master in Hutzelheim. — That cap doesn’t look so bad on you, Kasper. If only they cleaned the mirrors. And that beautiful stick lying on the table, we’d like to take that along as well. Kasper, the teacher always used to say, you need the stick more than anyone.
Again, voices of the pursuers: Kasper’s gone. Vanished. Must be on the train. But this time he won’t get away.
Noises of the train station.
THE STATION MASTER: My cap, my cap! Has anyone seen my cap? Just have a little patience, it’s sure to turn up. Thank God there’s still ten minutes until I have to announce the departure.
KASPER: All aboard!
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What? We’re leaving already? Herr Gericke, have you found Kasper?
HERR GERICKE: I’ll go now and search the café car. If he’s not there, we’ll have to get off the train again fast.
KASPER: The train is leaving the station!
We hear the whistle of the locomotive and the sound of the train pulling away.
KASPER: So, the coast is clear. What do we say to a little relaxation, Herr Kasper, how about a leisurely stroll? — A fine idea. — That’s nice. I knew it, I always agree with myself. It’s not every day you find someone who always agrees with you. So I’ll take this opportunity to talk with myself a bit more. Beautiful weather we’re having, Kasper, isn’t it?—
The answers are always from the same speaker, but in a deeper voice.
— Very beautiful.
— I wouldn’t have thought so after such a foggy morning. Would you?
— It would never have occurred to me that today would become so beautiful.