LIPSUSLAPSUS: Of course!
KASPER: With not too much pressure?
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Sure!
KASPER: Perfect. Is there nothing about life that a doctor doesn’t enjoy?
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Joy!
KASPER: Then I’ll be a statesman. Do you have anything to say against diplomacy?
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Messy!
KASPER: Right you are, Lipsuslapsus, many more capable men have had little success.
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Yes!
KASPER: So I guess I’ll find a rich widow.
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Uh-oh!
KASPER: But then I’d have money. What’s stopping me from being fulfilled?
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Guilt!
KASPER: Then what should I do to make money with merit?
LIPSUSLAPSUS: Inherit!
KASPER (By his tone of voice and from the background noise, it’s clear that he’s left the tent.): This spirit is no help at all. That just wasn’t right. I’ve got a hunch, in fact I believe it was the booth guy. I’d like to knock his spirit for a loop.
Again, the voices of the pursuers:
FIRST VOICE: I just saw him whizz by, Herr Maulschmidt.
SECOND VOICE: This time we’ll get that scoundrel.
Other voices: To the left, Herr Mittmann! And you cut him off from the right! Quick, Herr Gericke! Look! There he goes!
Shots are heard.
VOICE OF THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: Here, here, gents, step right up, ladies and gentlemen! I’m offering you a one-time chance to put the world to rights with a single shot. Please have a gander at my tableau here, where you’ll see original human dummies and other wonders: this father here, hit him on the bull’s-eye and just like that, he kicks into motion this little cradle where his youngest babe is asleep. And at back right, the violinist: hit him square on and he starts to play the fiddle, the sight and sound of which defies description. And have you seen the Moor behind the locked gate? Shoot him in the pinky toe, gentlemen, and watch the gate spring open in front of your unbelieving eyes to reveal the inside of the sultan’s palace in all its splendor and glory. But, gentlemen, if you want to do a noble deed and free a prisoner from the dungeon, you just have to hit his dungeon window and in a trice he’s out and about. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the eighth wonder of the world, Doctor Crackbang’s world-famous shooting gallery.
The speech is interrupted by more rumbling voices of the pursuers. — Now and again we hear the sound of shots, as during the speech by the shooting gallery owner.
FIRST SHOOTER: Okay, Gustav, I’m aiming at the bear. He dances when you hit him.
SECOND SHOOTER: Hey, wait a sec, that one in the back is swell. I’ve never seen one like that in a booth.
FIRST SHOOTER: And he looks so real. I’d swear he wasn’t painted.
SECOND SHOOTER: I just can’t find the bull’s eye we have to shoot at.
FIRST SHOOTER: But wait, Gustav, what do you think he’ll do if you hit him?
SECOND SHOOTER: Well, we’re about find out.
The sound of the gun being cocked.
KASPER: Mercy, gentlemen. Please don’t shoot. Take pity on old Kasper.
FIRST SHOOTER: Well, you don’t say! The dummy can talk.
KASPER: Gentlemen, may I take the liberty to point out, in all sincerity: I’m no dummy. Under pressing circumstances I was unfortunately compelled to pose here as a dummy.
THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER (very loudly): Silence! This is no place for chit-chat! How dare you bring disorder into my establishment. Who are you, anyway?
KASPER (aside): The coast is clear. The mob has moved on.
Voices of the pursuers: He’s nowhere. Foiled again.
KASPER: I beg you, Herr Shootout Director, I just wanted to show off my skills. Take a nickel. And give me a rifle.
THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: Please, be my guest.
KASPER: Do you have something with music?
THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: But of course. Right here we have a little radio orchestra. If you hit the conductor, you hear the overture from the opera “Plimplamplasko or the Enchanted Monkey Prince.”
The sound of a shot, followed by the playing of a cheery music box, which is eventually drowned out by the noises of the fair.
KASPER: Everything would be just fine if only I hadn’t lost my flounder talking to that Lipsuslapsus. What do I do now? The market’s been closed for ages. Where can a guy get a fish at this hour? There’s no way I can go home to Puschi without a fish. But here’s an idea! How about it, Kasper? You’ve long been wanting to visit the zoo, now, haven’t you? Don’t think twice! One leap and we’re over the wall.
He claps his hands.
No time to lose. At the bottom of the pond we’re gonna catch ourselves a fish!
CHILDREN’S VOICES: Hey Kasper, hello, hello, can’t you hear us? Over here!
FIRST CHILD: Kasper, what are you doing here?
KASPER: Oh, good day. Hello, Hans. Well, you know, I … actually I wanted to … You know what? I came to study a little animal language.
FIRST CHILD: What? You’re here to learn language?
KASPER: No, you see … actually, I already know them all. It’s just that with the guinea pigs there are still a few words I have to learn. That’s really why I came.
FIRST CHILD: Oh, Kasper, if you know animal language, you have to come with us and tell us what all the animals are saying.
CHILDREN’S VOICES: Come with us! Come with us! First the apes! No, the rhino! No, wait! He should start with the big birds!
LITTLE GIRL: Kasper, pretty please can you come see the antelopes?
KASPER: Kids, kids, easy now. One at a time. How about we start with the foxes and wolves?
CHILDREN’S VOICES: Yes, good, let’s! Let’s!
Sound of wolves howling and foxes baying. After a pause:
CHILDREN’S VOICES: Now, Kasper, what are they saying? Tell us, Kasper!
KASPER: So, they’re saying … You want to know what they’re saying, huh? Well, they’re talking about what each of them wants done with his fur once he’s dead.
CHILDREN’S VOICES: We don’t understand, Kasper. What does that mean?
KASPER: OK, look over there. That little fox with the torn and shabby fur, he’s saying: later, when he’s dead, he’d most like to be on a soldier’s satchel going off to war.
CHILDREN’S VOICES: And the wolf over there, what’s he saying?
KASPER: That wolf? Ideally he’d like to become a doormat at a hunter’s cottage in the middle of the woods.
CHILDREN’S VOICES: And the cute little blue fox? What does he say?
KASPER: All his life he’s wished just once to meet the people from the neighborhood. Now he thinks he’d like to later become a muff that a little girl sticks her hands in.
CHILDREN’S VOICES: Next, Kasper! Over here, Kasper! To the apes! What are they saying?
Grunting sounds and children screaming.
KASPER: You have to be quiet! The language of apes is difficult.
Otherwise I can’t understand it.
FIRST CHILD: But I thought apes didn’t have any language.
VOICES OF THE OTHER CHILDREN: Quiet!
KASPER: Well, it’s a remarkable story. See that big baboon sitting up there in the tree? Right now he’s lecturing the younger apes, strictly warning them that they should always act silly when humans are around. He’s saying: the dumber you seem, the better.
FIRST CHILD: But why?
KASPER: Well, that’s what the younger apes are asking now. And you know what his answer is? If humans don’t know how smart we are, and don’t notice that we have a language of our own, then they won’t force us to work.