FIRST CHILD: And now what are they saying?
KASPER: Now they’re discussing the pros and cons of captivity. Most of them are pretty content, because they have food and playmates and a warm cage to protect them from the rain and cold.
The shrill cry of an ape.
FIRST CHILD: And the little one? What’s he saying?
KASPER: He doesn’t agree with the others. He says it would all be just fine, but he can find no comfort when here in the cage there are only apes, apes, and more apes, and an occasional human; he’d gladly give up all the apes and people for the sight of one parrot, or a giraffe, or even the tiniest butterfly.
Grunting noises.
KASPER: Did you kids hear the grunt from the orangutan over there? He’s saying that it’s a complete injustice that the butterflies have no cage in the zoo.
FIRST CHILD (whispering): You know something? I think he’s lying. — Kasper, what are the elephants talking about over there?
KASPER: Ah, they’re not happy because the sparrow hasn’t shown up today, and every morning he brings them news of the other animals.
FIRST CHILD: Ask him how his baby is, Kasper.
Kasper growls something, and then:
KASPER: He says today the baby has already drunk ten bottles.
THE CHILDREN: But he doesn’t have a baby. It isn’t true.
FIRST CHILD: Kasper, what are the lions roaring about?
KASPER: They’re trying to figure out what day it is.
FIRST CHILD: Ask them if they want some candies!
Kasper lets out a few screams, and then:
KASPER: Yes, very much so, they say.
THE CHILDREN: They don’t eat candies. This is a hoax. (Louder and louder.) It’s all a hoax! Shame on you, Kasper! Boo, Kasper! Get outta here!
Whistles and cries.
THE ZOOKEEPER: These kids are out of control again today. They’re a menace, these brats. — Ah, life’s tough. — I’m just pushing my meat cart around. But since my big lion Maholy died a few weeks ago, this whole feeding round just isn’t the same. How I miss his deep and friendly roar when I would approach his cage with his evening meal! And how I miss that sparkle in his wild eyes, and the cloud of swirling sand that his tail would make as it lashed the ground of his cage. But my sorrow finds some consolation in the fact that the kind wardens have heeded my plea to have our good Maholy stuffed. At least now I’m spared the sight of his empty cage, because I can see just a little piece of his paw. We hid him way in the back there, behind the shed, so he wouldn’t fade in the sun, and seeing just that little bit of his paw makes me feel so much better. But what am I standing around here for, blabbing away? My rounds aren’t even half done.
Voices of the pursuers: Seal off the entire place! Kasper must be here in the zoo! Call the police! This time we’ll get him for sure. Hey kids, where’s Kasper?
KASPER: That awful Maulschmidt. He’s back again with his posse, and quick. I haven’t had a moment’s peace since that business with the radio. What do I do now? Hang on! What’s that there? The lion cage. Didn’t Puschi say to me just yesterday that they’ve got a stuffed lion in there? Stuffed or alive, anything’s better than having those louts on my heels. Be brave, Kasper, get in there and close the door behind you!
From an interior space.
KASPER: “Feeding and teasing prohibited.”—I could feed him all I want, but if he’s kicked the bucket, he won’t taste much.
Voices of the pursuers, as above.
KASPER: That Herr Maulschmidt is still onto me. But this time I’ll show him.
No longer from an interior space:
KASPER: Yes sir, gentlemen, come a little closer, please. All visitors are welcome. Entrance is free, ladies and gentlemen! And my friend here would be glad to say hello. Permit me to step on back and let him know you’re here.
Again from the interior space: a ferocious roar.
HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Heaven forbid, the lion!
KASPER (from the interior space): And yes, my friend has agreed. Allow me to open the door for you and he’ll come out and show you the way.
As soon as Kasper has finished speaking, he lets out a slowly escalating roar.
Voices of the pursuers: Heaven forbid! He’s letting the lion out! Run for your lives! Help! Help!
The voices of the pursuers fade.
KASPER (with a diabolical laugh): Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve seen each other today for the last time.
Pause.
KASPER: Taxi!
Street noise.
Driver! Doohickey Alley 1–12, and fast!
Driver’s voice: There must be a mistake, sir, there’s only two houses on that street.
KASPER: On my street we count the windows, too. Now go!
Street noise. After a while, the sound of an explosion. Pause.
Bells tolling.
KASPER: I’ve been asleep. And those are the bells of Saint Catherine.
It’s six in the evening and I’m still in bed?
FRAU PUSCHI: Not so loud, Kasper, you have to rest. Are you feeling any better?
KASPER: Back to being happy as a king.
FRAU PUSCHI: Oh, dear Kasper, when I think how they brought you to me. Your leg bandaged, on a stretcher.
KASPER: I’ll hear nothing of it. That’s over now. It doesn’t hurt at all. Tell me, dear, what are these packages about?
FRAU PUSCHI: The children brought them for you, the ones you were with at the zoo.
KASPER: Show me some, Puschi!
Amid the rustling of paper, Kasper and Puschi take turns calling out the contents of the packages.
KASPER AND PUSCHI: A box of chocolate cigars. — A marzipan revolver. — A praline doll. — A chocolate grandfather clock. — A demon made of baked plums. — A festive bowl. — An edible vase. — A gingerbread house. — A candied-sugar sword.
KASPER: Shall I eat the revolver first, or the sword?
FRAU PUSCHI: I want the revolver.
KASPER: You get the demon.
FRAU PUSCHI: No, the grandfather clock. I wanna eat it as a soup.
KASPER: We will begin with the vase, as an appetizer.
FRAU PUSCHI: That’s not the way it works, Kasper. I’m the housewife, I make the menu.
KASPER: Right you are, and I have to make a plan.
FRAU PUSCHI: What sort of plan are you making?
KASPER: On account of Herr Maulschmidt.
FRAU PUSCHI: Why do you need a plan for him?
KASPER: I need to think about which of his bones to break first when I see him again.
FRAU PUSCHI: But Kasper!
KASPER: Perhaps we’ll begin with the collarbone. Yes, I think it’s nice to start with the collarbone. Then I imagine the shin would come next. Now, if I only knew which, the right or the left. I wouldn’t like to break both. That would be mean. — After that, if we continue on, the ribs would be up next. At this point one must be very careful not to break the wrong rib. How many ribs does Herr Maulschmidt have? What do you say, Puschi? He’s so long, he must have at least twenty.
FRAU PUSCHI: But, Kasper, that’s nonsense. Every person has only twelve ribs.
KASPER: A rib here, a rib there. — But say, Puschi, what was that whole thing with David and Goliath?
FRAU PUSCHI: But you learned all that at school, Kasper.
KASPER: I mean the guy who toppled over. Was that David?