"Robin," I breathed.
I shook, and I didn't hear Lysander's concerned calls or Damelza's sneered commands. I was lost: to the past and my personal ghost. I craved nothing but the cool breeze embracing me with a love that I hadn't felt for over a hundred years: Robin.
When the breeze swept away down the corridor, I snatched the Your Heart’s Desire Book. Then I leapt up and followed Ghost Robin. We'd spent our childhoods following no one but each other through the Dead Wood, into the Dreaming Space, or sneaking out at night to lie on the castle’s roof and stargaze. I'd imagined that we'd had our lives together to chase after each other on adventures, even if we were caught within the wards of Rebel Academy.
The span of our lives would've been enough.
But my prayers to Hecate had stolen it from us, along with my mother's attempts to marry me to Titus.
I burst into the Bird Turret, as Ghost Robin danced playfully around my shoulders. He traced cool fingers under my choker to the sensitive skin that tingled at the frosty touch.
I'd missed his touch.
I'd missed him.
"Robin," I called, clutching Your Heart’s Desire Book closer to my chest.
In response, the wind swept in a whirlwind around the room that I'd been shut away in as a child. The magical mural on the walls sprang to life, and I shuddered at its pulsing magic. Hecate's Tree swayed, and frogs hopped in celebration at their base. The sweet scent of the lilies of the valley filled the room.
I tipped my head back and stared up at the indigo roof, as Ghost Robin spiraled higher.
I laughed in shock, as the robins who'd flocked like crimson tears and had been silent as if grieving since Robin and my deaths’, burst into wild life with silvery song.
Tears chased down my cheeks, as I twirled around.
Dizzy, I spun to the robins’ song, part of the whirlwind. My magic coiled out in pink threads around Ghost Robin, entwining around him.
I'll never let go again.
When the Your Heart’s Desire Book burst into song as well, I stilled and glanced down at it. Magic vibrated through the cover. My hands shook.
When Ghost Robin had given me the book, he'd told me to open it, when I was alone. I'd been burned alive before I had the chance, which I believed was a reasonable excuse.
But wasn't now the perfect time?
I bit my lip. Sometimes, courage meant far more than facing dragon shifters, deadly missions, or even death.
Robin was my greatest regret but also my greatest love. I had to face the past that haunted me.
I flipped open the book.
I froze, and my breath hitched.
A miniature version of Robin stared out from the page. He wore his whipping boy uniform of black shirt and pants with a pink R embroidered on the pocket. His muscled chest was tight against the thin material. His red hair tumbled over his eyes, and his emerald eyes watched me intently.
My heart clenched. I'd forgotten how bright his eyes were. How had I forgotten that? How had I forgotten anything about him?
My breath became ragged.
I shouldn't have forgotten.
Paper Robin shot me a cheeky grin. "I told you so. It turns out that mama and I were right about ghosts."
I smiled. "How long have you been waiting to say that? Was it satisfying?"
Paper Robin's eyes crinkled as he smiled, and my stomach flipped. I remembered when I'd lived for those smiles. "Wonderfully. Although, I was also right that ghosts eternally crave, and I've only craved you. You're my best friend, and I've loved for you so very long. To see you again is more than I ever hoped."
I swallowed, and tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. Because he wasn't seeing me, was he?
This Paper Robin was my Heart's Desire...but was he real?
Paper Robin's brow furrowed. "Hush, silly sweetheart." Ghost Robin settled on my shoulders, caressing. Please, let him truly be here with me once more. "I told you that a part of me would be in this book. We'll always be together."
Always.
I sobbed, stumbling to the window seat that overlooked the bailey. How many times had I sat here as a child, watching the Rebels who I wasn't allowed to even play with? Who I had to witness being beaten and couldn't protect? Who I couldn't love, until Robin?
Father had taught me equality, fairness, and friendship. He'd suffered for it, and Robin and I had died in their name.
I knew now: I didn't regret any of it.
Paper Robin raised his hand, and I licked away the salty tears on my lips, as I in turn, raised mine to meet his paper likeness.
It should've been enough.
It wasn't.
It could never be enough. I'd forever lost the feel of his warm chest as he caged me beneath him, the feel of his lush lips, and the rapid thud of his heart against mine.
But I had this, Hecate above, I had this. And it was more than I'd ever thought that I'd have again.
"I love you." I leaned into Ghost Robin's cool embrace, as I traced his paper twin's cheek, "I've always loved you. When I first saw you down in the bailey, transforming into a cute squirrel, before I even knew what a shimage was, I knew that we belonged together. And by the way, I'm more than aware about ghosts. I'm still partly dead. Wait, that didn't sound particularly seductive."
I melted my legs to black mists, and Paper Robin’s eyes lit up.
"Only you could talk about hanging between life and death so casually. Believe me, you've never needed to attempt seduction with me. You're beautiful, in spirit, mind, and body."
"My, are you flirting?"
Paper Robin barked with laughter. "I wouldn't even try, unless I wanted to make a mage's prick out of myself." Then he sobered. "Did you wait for me?"
I stilled. Ah, was now the time to explain the whole non-Victorian view on virginity...?
"Ehm, there's a philosophical and a technical answer..." I hedged. Then I leaned forward, kissing the page. Paper Robin gave a gentle laugh, as my lips sucked over his entire head. Ghost Robin kissed down my cheeks in kissing retaliation. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "You were walled up, and I couldn't... I'm sorry, sorry, so—"
"Stop," Paper Robin ordered. His emerald eyes gleamed with anguish but also determination. "What happened to me wasn't your fault. I died willingly for you, and I would again. I loved you as a friend, and if I'd been more than a mage, I'd have asked you to marry me. It was wicked of me to crave more than my station deserved. Yet I hoped... Perhaps, change in witch and mage relations could've started with you. Your dad, who was a good man, he hoped it too." Then his lips curled into a smile. "Now I'm a ghost, did I miss my chance to marry you?" My magic burst out in confetti sparkles. Paper Robin smirked. "Is that my answer?"
Why should I not take this happiness now and steal a long-awaited love?
Who was there to stop me now?
Was it karma that mother was fully dead, while I was enough alive to go against her wishes?
My knuckles whitened around the book. "Well, as I'm half ghost as well, it's not conventional, but we'd match. Yes, oh witching heavens, yes, yes, yes..."
Ghost Robin wrapped around me like he'd never let go.
Never let go.
Paper Robin's eyes widened, and he paled. "You mean that? But I can't even touch..."
"Neither could I, but the Immortals still loved and resurrected me. Why should we not have this too?"