“You don’t have to worry about that. You know that. That’s why you told me. Because you know I won’t say anything.”
I’d spent the past fifteen minutes telling him the entire story and the truth about Elliott. I couldn’t believe that he was actually partly blaming himself.
“I remember the night Elliott was here,” he said. “The asshole was walking around like he owned the place. I should have found a way to kick him the fuck out before he got to Gia. Then none of this would have happened. I never saw him with her, though. Must have lost track of him by that time. He got lost in the crowd of preppy dicks.”
I couldn’t help but laugh a little at his comment. “I wish you had kicked the fucker out, too, but it’s not your fault. I hope you know that.”
Oak cracked his knuckles. “I want to kill him. Seriously. That’s how I feel right now.
This situation is unbelievable.” He crossed his arms. “What are you gonna do?”
Shaking my head, I sighed. “I wish I knew.”
“I totally get it now…why you went away. It never made sense to me, how you could leave Gia while she was pregnant and just take off. Now it makes total sense. That must have been so hard for you, but I see why you had to do it.”
“Yeah…why I went off the deep end.” I rubbed my temples. “I wish there was a simple solution.”
He was staring at me like he was considering something important. “Well, there sort of is.”
Looking up at him, I said, “Oh yeah? Enlighten me.”
“Well, it all depends on how you look at the situation. Everything in life is perception, right? Over time you might learn to accept that baby as simply Gia’s, not Elliott’s. But really, it comes down to one simple question. And I’m telling you…if you can answer this, then you have your answer.”
“What’s that?”
“You have to figure out whether your love for Gia is stronger than your hate for your brother.”
Well, wasn’t that a fucking question to ponder? Oak’s words were playing in my head, haunting me, long after our conversation ended.
I was the only one left at The Heights as I locked up that night. The cool night air hit my face as I rushed to my car and grabbed the emergency pack of cigarettes I’d stashed in my glove compartment.
I held the pack in my trembling hand for the longest time and just stared at it. It felt like I was ready to lose it, give in to my need to smoke. Finally, I just crushed the package in my palm and threw it on the floor of my car. I’d come too far to start smoking again, even though I felt like I could have killed for a cigarette.
Returning to my house, I did something I hadn’t done since finding out the truth: I opened the door to the nursery I’d built for the baby.
Everything sat untouched: the rocking chair in the corner, the crib, the mobile. It was stocked and ready for an infant who might never see it.
I sat in the rocking chair as I leaned my head back against the pillow and decided to return Gia’s call from earlier.
She answered on the first ring. Her voice sounded a little groggy. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hi. I didn’t think I would hear from you.”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I just…wasn’t sure how to respond to your message.”
“That’s okay. You didn’t have to respond.”
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I was just sitting in bed thinking.”
My heart started to beat faster as I pulled on my hair. “You said I didn’t need to respond. But I do, Gia. Because you told me you loved me, and I never even fucking called you back. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Rush.”
My voice sounded pained. “I love you, too. I really do. You know that, right?”
“I know. Your actions have always proven that.”
“This is just so fucking hard,” I breathed out. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. And I’ve been through some serious shit. But nothing compares to this.”
“I know.” She paused. “Where are you right now?”
“I’m home. I’m in the baby’s room, actually. It’s the first time I’ve let myself look at it since…”
She exhaled into the phone. “Oh, Rush. It must be strange to be in there.”
“Nah…actually…it’s kind of calming in a weird way. The dim lights. The baby stuff. The moon décor. It’s just what I needed tonight, I think.”
After some silence, she asked, “How was The Heights?”
“Boring without you, but busy with end-of-the-season shit.”
“I can’t believe the season is over.”
“Yeah. It’s always a stressful time.” I paused. “Hey…so I told Oak everything tonight. About Elliott, too. I thought you should know.”
There was some silence before she responded, “Oh. Okay.”
She sounded weird about that.
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah, of course. Just took me a second to process it. I trust Oak. He’s a good guy, and you needed to talk to someone. What did he say?”
“He gave me some good advice. Some stuff to think about. He really likes you, Gia.”
“I really like him, too. I’m gonna miss him.”
I hated the reminders that she was leaving.
“I almost smoked tonight,” I said. “Really close to falling off the wagon but caught myself.”
“I’m so proud of you for keeping that up. I know it can’t be easy with everything that’s been going on with us. But it makes me feel good to know you’re not filling your lungs with that crap anymore. I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to you.”
Grabbing a stuffed elephant off the nearby dresser, I clutched it to my chest. “This whole thing with us, Gia…it isn’t a decision you make overnight. I wish it were simple. I wish I could sit here and say with one hundred-percent certainty that I knew I could handle it. All I know for sure is that I love you and care about this baby enough to really think about whether I can be the kind of father he deserves under the circumstances. I will not look at him with resentment the way my father looked at me. I can’t do that to him. I won’t. I love him too much, if that makes sense.”
“I know. I get it. And I totally understand your need to think this through. It’s why I’m leaving to give you space. It’s the best thing right now. Plus, my dad has been really supportive, and I think I just need to be closer to him right now.”
It hurt me that she felt she needed him more than me…but then I had to remind myself that I was basically pushing her away in a sense. My lack of answer was speaking volumes, even if I wasn’t saying anything. What the fuck did I expect?
“I’m so sleepy, Rush. This baby is really kicking my ass.”
“Why don’t I let you go to bed?”
“I don’t want you to go,” she insisted. “Please…don’t go.”
Those words. Their meaning extended beyond tonight, and I knew it.
“You want me to stay on the phone with you?” I asked.
“Yes. I just want to hear you breathing while I fall asleep. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.”
Resting my phone against my cheek, I laid back farther into the chair and closed my eyes, never imagining that Gia and I would be sleeping together this week.
But that was exactly what we did.
12
It had become a game of sorts.
Make Rush Look.
It started out innocently enough. Earlier in the evening, I’d caught him watching me while I sat at my station inserting the daily specials into the plastic menu casings.
I smiled and waved. He lifted his chin giving me the casual Rush what’s up and quickly looked away. The next few times I caught him, he diverted his eyes pretending that he hadn’t been staring.
And so my game began. A little extra wiggle in my walk. Licking my lips while I innocently looked down. Since I’d enjoyed myself so much for the first half of my shift, I decided to play the advanced version of Make Rush Look for the second half: Make Rush Hard.