Yeah.
I really hoped she wouldn’t judge me because of how I’d gotten myself into this predicament—via a one-night stand. At least with Rush’s dad, she’d been in an actual relationship, at least from her point of view.
“I don’t know how much Rush told you…” I said.
“He told me everything. You don’t have to explain anything to me about how it happened. I’m up to speed on that. Don’t stress out over explaining a thing.” She reached her hand across the table again, placing it on my arm. “How are you?”
Blowing out a shaky breath, I said, “Not too good. I feel guilty for feeling so sad—because that’s no way to bring a child into this world. And I’m afraid that all of my negative energy will somehow affect the baby. But it’s really hard to be happy when you feel like your world has turned upside down.”
She looked sad for me. “I’m so sorry. But I assure you it’s temporary. Things always get better, not necessarily easy, but better.”
“Can you tell me a little about what your experience was like when you found out you were pregnant with Rush?”
Melody closed her eyes momentarily then said, “Well, you know, my situation wasn’t that much different than yours. His father wasn’t in the picture. I think what helped me in the beginning were a few things. Learning to take things one day at a time and understanding that you don’t have to do more than that…is really key. It’s all so overwhelming, that even thinking about it can be enough to make you go crazy. There are so many things you feel you need to do to prepare, but really the only thing you need to do right now is to breathe and to take care of yourself. There’s no reason that you can’t just take each moment as it comes. You don’t have to deal with everything all at once, and you certainly don’t have to have all of the answers.”
Her words brought me a little comfort. “That’s always easier said than done, but I will really try to remember that.”
She gestured to the fruit platter. “Please have something to eat.” Melody poured some of the lemonade into a glass and slid it in front of me. “The other thing is to understand that it’s totally okay to not know what you’re doing, to fly by the seat of your pants. There is a first time for everything, and a lot of it’s going to be trial and error. Things like changing diapers, feeding the baby…it will all seem like second nature once you get used to it. But there’s no real way to learn how to care for a baby aside from actually doing it. And again, no one expects you to be perfect out of the gate.”
“Good. Because I am pretty sure I’ll be a mess.”
She laughed as she put a grape in her mouth. “You’ll surprise yourself.”
There was a moment of silence where she just looked at me from across the table. I don’t know why I felt compelled to say, “I don’t have a mother, you know.”
Melody’s eyes were brimming with sympathy. “I know.”
“I couldn’t remember if I told you that.” I stared off, contemplating my lack of maternal role model.
“How am I supposed to be good mother when I don’t even have one?”
“Because it’s innate,” she said without hesitation. “You’re a loving, caring person who will do everything in her power to care for her baby. She likely never had a motherly bone in her body.
You’re not your mother.”
I truly hoped she was right. As I processed her words, tears ran down my cheeks. Melody moved her chair around to my side of the table and embraced me.
We stayed like that for a while until she gave me a napkin to wipe my eyes, then said, “It will be okay. It’s hard to know that now. But trust me, it will.” She got up and started walking toward her bedroom. “I’ll be right back. I want to show you something.”
A few minutes later, she returned with a photo album.
She planted it on the table. “I’m pretty sure Rush would kill me if he knew I was showing these to you, but that’s too bad.”
There were so many photos of a young Melody with baby Rush, who was surprisingly blond as a child. He still had the same naughty grin and expressive eyes. Melody looked so young, and her hair was really long.
When she came upon a set of photos that looked like they were professionally taken, she grinned from ear to ear.
“I remember this day.” She covered her mouth as she pointed to a particular shot of baby Rush sitting on her lap. “Oh my gosh. I’d taken Rush to the Sears portrait studio. Right before this, he’d puked all over his brand-new outfit. I was in tears because the mall was quite a long drive for me, and I didn’t want to have to come back, so the photographer gave me an outfit for him that a previous customer happened to leave behind. You see how his overalls are a little big?
“Look at that drooly, toothless smile,” I gushed.
“I know I was so stressed out right before this, but once the photographer got us settled, Rush was hamming it up for the cameras. I left feeling so lucky, in a totally different mood compared to how I’d walked in.” She gazed off into space for a moment before she looked at me. “That’s what motherhood is like. It’s a series of ups and downs. But it’s all worth it, Gia. Trust me on that.”
I kept staring at the image of baby Rush’s big smile. It was reflective of the natural goodness built into my tough guy.
My tough guy.
Had I not gotten the memo that he wasn’t mine anymore?
“What’s wrong Gia?”
Melody must have noticed the sudden expression of sadness on my face. Damn pregnancy hormones.
The realization of it hit me like a ton of bricks. “I was falling in love with your son before this happened. Rush made it clear that he’s not ready for all of this. I don’t blame him. It just sucks, you know? Because he and I…we really had something. But I understand why he can’t be with me. I do.”
“I’m so sorry. If I had a magic button, I wish I could make this right for both of you. I wish my son felt differently, too. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about him, it’s that I can’t tell him what to do or how to feel. But I’ll be rooting for you, that maybe he has a change of heart about it.”
I wondered if she really meant that, or if deep inside she didn’t want her son to be with someone who came with baggage when he could likely have anyone he wanted. I’d never know if she was telling me the truth or just wanted to make me feel better.
There was no way I was going to get my hopes up in any case. There was too much at stake now to worry about my broken heart. I needed to focus on the little heart beating inside of me instead.
It had become my new nightly ritual. Standing outside of The Heights for several minutes at a time during peak hours. I’d be outside smoking while I watched things from afar through the windows.
When nightfall hit, the lights inside the restaurant gave me the perfect view of the hostess stand. The glare on the windows meant she couldn’t see me watching her.
Being inside for long periods of time was too much for me lately. Plus, I needed to smoke even more, as if it were somehow going to take away this feeling that I couldn’t even describe inside of my chest.
I would smoke cigarette after cigarette, alternating between nodding to patrons as they entered and peeking in the window to make sure Gia was okay, that she wasn’t standing too much.
Everything had changed.
And yet nothing had changed.
I still felt everything I always had for her; the only difference was, I couldn’t act on it anymore. That fucking killed me. It killed me to admit to her that I wasn’t cut out for what she needed. It killed me to see the sadness in her eyes when I did. But I wasn’t going to risk letting down a child. That’s where I draw the line.
She would find her way eventually; she would. I just needed to help her land on her feet. Then, I’d encourage her to move back to the City once I knew she was gonna be okay—that they were gonna be okay. In the meantime, I wanted her here where I could keep an eye on her.