It’s…familiar.
Before long, I hear a calm voice speaking to me from my own mind.
“I’m running out of miracles here, Alex. I don’t have much time.”
Derek.
His voice is clear enough, but I have to focus to hear it.
“Listen, I need you to be brave. I saved your son, but I can’t save you too. As much as you don’t want to, you have got to stop fighting. They’re operating right now, but your body is trying to stop them. If you don’t give into it, the surgeon can’t help you. I can’t help you. Your body is rejecting every intervention and there will come a time, soon, when you won’t have enough blood left to stay alive. You have to let go, it’s the only way you’ll survive.”
I can’t, Derek. I lost you because I let go.
From somewhere deep within my cognizance, I can still feel Harlow prying my fingers from around his arms.
Derek releases a deep, audible exhale. “No you didn’t, Alex. You have to rid yourself of that guilt. You had no control over what happened. It was just my time. You have to let that go. Let it all go.”
I can tell he’s trying to hurry but I don’t know what to do.
How do I just let go? I’m scared.
“You need to focus, Alex. Focus on what you love.”
Before long, images of my life come at me from every direction in my mind. With each flash of my memory, I find growing courage.
Rylie, running in the grass, giggling as she turns to me…
Kyndall, with her arms wrapped around my waist, looking up at me and laughing…
Nycole, sitting next to me, with a smile on her face, telling me about her day…
My unborn child, his hiccups inside my stomach making me laugh…
Blake, his green eyes full of love and compassion, giving me courage…
Derek, a hazy form walking towards me as he speaks…
“The love we share knows no bounds, Alex. It’s because of that love that I’m able to watch over you, Blake and the girls, and now your son. I watch because there are some things you can’t control. You need to understand and accept that. Let yourself live your life, because otherwise you’re just wasting precious time.”
Sometimes I hate that you know me so well.
His laughter reverberates around inside my head.
“I’m just telling you something you already know but clearly still need to hear. Alex, I’m here. I will always be here, guiding you exactly where you need to be. The rest, the unimportant stuff…just let it go. Live your life without fear, and love with no regret. That’s the way it should be. But you have to stop struggling against everything, starting right now.”
All humor disappears from his tone with his last statement and I know he’s serious. This is serious.
I know. I will.
“I love you, Alex, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope not to see you again for a very long time.”
I love you, too.
Just like that…he’s gone.
And for the first time since losing Derek, I allow myself to just let go.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I hear a soft tapping, and after taking one last long look at my wife, I head over to answer the door. Reaching my hand for the knob, I’m almost taken out as its thrown wide open by one Harlow Reed. The door ricochets loudly off of my boots, and I find myself wondering why the hell she even bothered knocking at all. Bull in a goddamn china shop.
I rake my hand through my hair, pulling it slightly out of frustration. “Harlow, damn it, she’s sleeping.” Glancing over at Alex to make sure the noise hasn’t disturbed her, I’m overcome with feelings of pure inadequateness. I’m completely incapable of doing anything to help her, and watching the signs of struggle in her features as she sleeps, I find myself wanting to punch through the ugly, plain ass walls that I’ve been staring at since this morning. There’s not a thing in the world that I wouldn’t give to trade places with her. To take away every shred of pain she must be experiencing right now. I can’t even begin to imagine.
Harlow rushes to her side, raising her hand to Alex’s hair, smoothing it with a light touch. Red curly hair stacked in some weird shape on top of her head, wearing a light blue Tarheels sweatshirt and navy track pants, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her dressed so comfortably. “How’s she holding up? She looks like shit.”
My defenses automatically kick in. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’d look like shit too if you took a tumble down the stairs, had a baby ripped from your womb, lost gallons of blood, as well as your whole goddamn uterus in the process. Give her a fucking break.” Irritation spreads throughout my body like a wildfire. My hands are shaking, and I can feel my voice trembling as I speak. This whole fucking situation pisses me off and having Harlow here isn’t helping matters, not in the least.
“Whoa, easy there cowboy.” Harlow turns in my direction. As soon as we lock gazes, I recognize the fear filling her green eyes and I let out a deep breath. I guess we’re all a little on edge right now.
“Sorry, I’m just…There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been here all day watching her struggle. She’s been fading in and out since she got out of recovery, and every time she does, I lose her. Over and over. Every. Single. Time.” A lump begins to form in my throat out of pure anger and I try to swallow it down, along with every single horrendous thought in my head right now.
“Blake, you need a break. You’re not doing her any good right now. I’ll stay here with her for a bit. Why don’t you get some air and try to relax as much as you can. I know it’s hard, but you need to.” With Harlow’s hand still placed on Alex’s head, I concede her point. Air would do me some good right now.
“Yeah, I think I will. I need to go home and grab some of the stuff for the baby, anyway.” The thought of Alex excitedly packing the overnight bag in preparation causes the knot in my throat to swell. “She’ll want it here when she wakes up. Plus, I need to talk to the girls. Let them know what’s going on.”
Harlow tilts her head and a small, saddened smile barely presents itself on her face. “I’ve got her. You go. Take care of things at home, make sure the girls are okay, and then head back up here when you’re ready.” Removing her hand from Alex’s long brown hair, she takes several steps until she ends up right in front of me. Hands on her hips, she peers into my eyes. “She’s going to be fine, Blake. Our girl’s a fighter. Trust me. She’ll make it. You just need to get your head in a better place, so when she does wake up, you can be strong for her. She’s going to have a hard time when she finds out she won’t be able to have any more children.” She breaks for a light laugh. “Not that she would have wanted to have anymore, but you know her. She gets pissed when shit is out of her control, and well, losing her uterus…kind of not her decision.”
“We had no choice, Harlow. She would’ve bled out if they hadn’t removed it.” Moisture threatening to fall from my eyes, I raise my hands and scrub my face out of pure frustration.