“Just like politics—it’s the woman behind the man,” I said.
Tru nodded. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, especially if it keeps Defiance from looking weak. We can’t change the rest of the world, but if we’re happy here, who cares what the world thinks? So...you and Mathias.”
“I guess word gets out fast.” I shifted uncomfortably. I’d never had girlfriends or girl talk. My parents preferred to keep our circle tight, and so my main sources of socialization were large parties—where I didn’t have time to get to know anyone—and Charlie and his family. “He’s very secretive.”
Tru glanced up at me with a wry smile. “They all are, hon. Comes with the territory.”
Chapter Ten
Our claim to fame
Mathias
After Tru took Jessa to the guesthouse, Bish and I grabbed something to eat. I was due to fight tonight and the field was an hour away. Caspar had told Bish that he wanted us to proceed normally, to not give away anything by being absent.
It wasn’t as big of a risk for us to leave the compound—Keller knew that taking us wouldn’t get him anywhere with Defiance. But I didn’t like leaving Jessa behind, knowing that Caspar looked at her like she was risking his club’s safety.
“You going to pull your head out of your ass long enough to fight?” Bish asked, but there was a smile on his face.
My ass is just fine, thanks.
“Thanks for the PSA.” Bish raised a hand to get Shelby’s attention. She was one of the waitresses here, but she also helped run the business. The women in Defiance no longer had to hide their strengths, and while it was cool to see, it definitely made the older generation—and some of ours—nervous as hell.
Caspar had started training all the women in self-defense too, whether they wanted to or not. “We all gotta be able to protect ourselves, our kids, our home,” he’d told us at the last meeting.
But women still didn’t hold court at church. There were some rules that would take years to move aside, and doing so could put Defiance at risk with the other MCs. Better to keep the women as our secret weapon, I thought, and Tru agreed with that.
“Next thing you know, women’ll be fighting in the ring,” Bish said.
I thought you liked strong women?
“Something to be said for being overpowered in the bedroom. Don’t like it when it’s only about the fight,” Bish clarified and shot me the finger when I signed, Got anyone special in mind?
Our food came, platters of burgers and fries, a couple of glasses of milk, and we ate in silence, probably thinking about our respective bedrooms.
Finally, Bish said, “You like her.”
Yeah. But we both know it’s beyond that.
Bish believed in signs the way I did, maybe even more so. “I know.”
Is that a problem?
“Not for me. But there’s a lot to figure out here, Mathias. Like what we’re doing.”
We’d been avoiding that topic, because neither of us really knew what we wanted to do. We knew who we were—I played wild to Bish’s peace—but I didn’t believe in hiding who I was. I was wild, although Bish was more violent. We balanced one another out. We’d been best friends since we were eight. Brothers. And that wouldn’t change.
But now we had a group, a brotherhood. The military one had been temporary, but Defiance was a better bet. A soft place to land—as soft as it got these days.
And still, we couldn’t settle in.
We knew Defiance put new bylaws in place for becoming a member of the MC when Caspar took control and abiding by them was better for us. Because even though we’d stayed on to help Caspar take his rightful place at the helm, we didn’t like staying in one place, although hell, we liked it here. Especially now that Caspar was in control and the older generation was still chaffing under his reign. Although there was serious business to attend to, there were more parties too.
“Food’s good. Lots of weapons. Lots of women to fuck,” Bish would say. Sometimes, I’d point out that he was spending a lot of time with one woman in particular, and he wouldn’t answer me at all.
And that always meant he was confused about something. And when something confused him that deeply, he wouldn’t discuss it with me until he figured it out for himself.
We liked Defiance well enough, maybe more than we’d thought. I’d pushed Bish to come here so we could get the fuck out of the military.
But once you were in, you were in, and the only way out was painful.
Some said there was never a real way out of an MC, except for death. Neither of us really liked following rules much, but Caspar was a good leader, from what we’d seen so far. Fair. Loyal. Brave as fuck.
I don’t want to talk about it now.
“Yeah, me neither.” Bish glanced at the clock on the wall. “Ready to head out?”
Think I should tell Jessa?
“That you’re going to fight? No.”
I never took Bish’s words lightly. I didn’t this time either. But I still went to check on her anyway. I knocked and got no response, so I let myself in to the guesthouse and heard her.
She was singing. Headphones on, her back to me and I’d bet her eyes were closed. She was that lost in the music, in her song. I listened as her voice filled the room, the notes rising and I swear to fuck they flooded my system, a shattering, beauty of a string of notes.
Song...soulful. Pained. And she was hiding what she could do. How could hiding that big a part of yourself affect your life or be any good for anyone? Hiding yourself away, you could easily lose who you were forever.
If she’d ever really known who she was to start with.
I backed out of the room, out the door and went with Bish to the fight.
Jessa
After Tru left, I’d grabbed the tapes and the Walkman and tested my voice. I’d barely been able to contain it in the van but I had, only because the guys would’ve thought me the oddest thing ever, singing after nearly being sold like chattel. Or maybe they would’ve thought it normal. I’d almost begun to sing when Mathias and I were playing the guitar, but I’d held back. I wasn’t even sure I could sing anymore.
But now, alone, with the music in my ears, my throat unclenched enough and I began to whisper-sing the lyrics, like I was testing my voice, my will...my resolve, my strength.
It was all there. Thanks to Mathias’s gift, I knew I could shut out everything around me and concentrate on how it felt to sing. I didn’t have to hear myself—I could just listen to the music.
I could simply fall in love. The signs were all there.
Chapter Eleven
Headstrong, I’ll take on anyone
Mathias
We left Defiance for the open field where the illegal fight ring would gather. We didn’t have to wait for nighttime—because what the hell was the difference—but old habits persisted. I blasted the usual Metallica and Bish let it go this time. I played it before a fight so I could relax and get my head in the game. And since I could still smell Jessa on me, that wasn’t going to be easy.
We fought outside the Defiance compound because the arenas were bigger and the money better. Defiance fights were fun, but fights in the surrounding towns...those were blood sport. Underground rings tied to crime syndicates and gangs—the MCs were the outsiders there but there were plenty of AWOL military around looking to pull down some serious cash.