But the man walking beside me made me hot as fire, and I knew how wrong I’d been about everything from my old life. And that’s exactly how I partitioned it—old life, new life. And I wasn’t willing to give up anything from this new life, no matter how much Charlie threatened me.
“I’ll be okay,” I told Mathias and slid my hand from his. But I didn’t know if anything from this point on would be, and part of that was my own fault.
I’d wanted to tell Mathias about the marriage a million times. But in my mind, my heart, I’d renounced it, and Charlie, the second he’d betrayed me.
I’d divorced him in my mind, cut him out.
I hadn’t thought about how not telling Mathias or Defiance might be perceived. Or maybe I was lying. I knew I’d be looked at with suspicion and I didn’t want that. Not when, for the first time, I’d actually been accepted for who I was.
I forced myself to walk inside the inner room and found Charlie sitting on the floor, his back against the cement wall. He glanced up when he heard the door open and immediately shot to his feet. The chain around his ankle allowed him to reach halfway across the room and I’d remained close to the door.
“Where have you been?” he asked, his voice holding the right amount of concern, since the door was still halfway open. I knew if I shut it, I’d get the real Charlie again, the one who’d been hiding, even from me until he’d had a choice to save himself or save me.
“You were worried?”
“Of course, Jessa. I didn’t know what happened to you.”
“But you knew what was about to happen to me—until I was saved by men who don’t believe in selling women.”
“You’ve been playing biker slut,” he sneered and just like that, his mask was off. I was surprised by the information and must’ve looked surprised because he muttered, “Stupid woman, don’t you think I have my sources everywhere? Don’t you know who I am?”
“My husband,” I said sarcastically, but my insides were cold. Who was telling him things? Was there some kind of insider spy Charlie had here, and what did that mean for Defiance? Had Charlie’s father—or my parents—been contacted?
“Right, your husband,” he echoed back, just as sarcastically and I remembered that the door was open. “Did you tell your biker that? For better or for worse, right, darling?”
“I only had the worse with you,” I managed with a whisper, the words nearly stuck in my throat as I thought about how fooled I’d been. How my parents had convinced me that Charlie had always loved me, and that I’d always loved him. Really, there had never been love between us, just convenience.
“You were good eye candy, but since the Chaos, it’s not like anyone can just turn on the TV and see us anymore. I’d do just as well on my own.”
“So will I.” I reached behind me for the knob, needing to leave. Charlie’s body was lurching forward against the weight of his chain and I feared he’d rip it out of the wall if I stayed much longer.
“You think I’m not going to tell them, Jessa?” He spit the words out in a violent whisper.
I didn’t say anything right away. Instead, I took that moment to really concentrate on what he looked like. Besides wearing different clothing—Defiance must’ve given him clean stuff—he still looked the same. I don’t know why I’d expected otherwise. His cheek was bruised but other than that, they hadn’t treated him badly. Sure, he was shackled, but he was fed, he had a place to sleep, a toilet and he was better off than many people were post-Chaos.
He didn’t have his freedom, but I wasn’t sure any of us did anymore. Maybe we never had. “I don’t know why you haven’t told them everything,” I said finally.
His dark blue eyes settled on mine. I’d once thought them beautiful, like the sky on a warm summer day, but now I thought they looked like cheap denim as he told me, “Because I thought we could still get out of this together.”
“You can’t be serious. You think I’m actually going to help you?”
“What choice do you have? You can’t stay here with these bikers and expect they’re going to treat you any differently than the Lords would’ve.”
“They already have.”
“Because I’m here. Because they need me for leverage. As soon as they kill me—or send me back home, when Dad pays the money—they’ll have no real use for you.”
For a lone second, my faith in Defiance faltered, and Charlie saw it. Used it, enough to push the small crack of nag into more of a gaping hole. “You’re too trusting.”
“I trusted you and look where it got me,” I spat back, my mind reeling as I wondered how I could’ve let Defiance—and Mathias—get to me so easily. No one was that good, not without an ulterior motive. When had I forgotten that? I’d been born into that.
“I’m sorry. The Lords fucked it up, Jessa. I’d never meant to hurt you. You’ve got to believe me.”
A part of me wanted to, for no other reason than his betrayal had been so stunningly deep and painful, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around how or why he’d do that to someone he’d pledged to love, honor and spend the rest of his life with. The smarter part knew exactly why he’d done so, but I wouldn’t bring it up, because Mathias and Caspar and Bishop were listening, and whatever they’d heard was already humiliating and damming enough.
“Jessa, please, we can work this out together. Just tell them you want to stay with me. We’ll call Dad and your parents,” Charlie said calmly, that firm command returning to his voice.
“I can’t,” I told him, and that was the God’s honest truth. There were so many things that could apply to, and at the moment, I meant all of them—I couldn’t stay with Charlie, couldn’t let Defiance call home.
I couldn’t believe what Charlie said about Defiance, about me being disposable, but a small part of me did. And when I walked out and shut the door behind me, I wanted to just walk past the guys waiting for me, wanted to crawl into bed by myself and not deal with any of this.
Of course, Mathias wasn’t going to let that happen. He stood in front of me, put his hands on my shoulders to hold me in place in that gentle but unbreakable grip he had. “Mathias, please...I just want to...”
You believe him. Bishop’s words behind me and even though Mathias hadn’t signed, I knew they were coming from him.
Mathias’s expression was calm, but maybe that was all an act. I’d seen what he was capable of when he was angry, and I’d lied to him. “What if I do?”
Mathias considered that for a long moment and took his hands off my shoulders. My skin was hot where he touched me, like he’d branded me somehow, and as I watched, he stared down at the fleur-de-lis tattoo on his arm, rubbed it with the tips of two fingers before mouthing, Then you’d be wrong.
“Can you understand why I might think differently?” I asked and he nodded, a controlled, jaw-clenched one and I noted his hands had curled into fists. And the way he looked at me...it wasn’t anything I ever wanted to see pointed in my direction again. I wanted to take back everything I’d said and tell him everything.
Instead, I swallowed hard. Because at least he got my concerns that I was only as valuable as my secrets. And I was prepared to protect myself with the one I had left for as long as I could. “What are you planning to do with Charlie?”
He countered with, What are you planning to do with him?
Nothing, Mathias. Nothing at all, was what I wanted to say, because that was the truth...but my God, I needed to make sure I didn’t drag Mathias in any further than he was. “He’s my husband.”