Do you have that same code? Mathias signed.
I was able to honestly answer No.
He nodded. Mouthed, Gotta run.
“I want to go with you.”
He stared at me, as if the request was entirely unexpected. While he weighed his answer, I studied him, wishing we were alone so I could run my hands over his shoulders, trace his lips and cheekbones with a finger. I could do it here and no one would blink an eye, but I didn’t want him to think I was influencing him.
Finally, he signed as he mouthed, Too distracting.
It was partially a compliment, but partially not, because he knew he’d have to protect me.
Don’t be scared.
But I was—I was scared of everything and I hated that.
When I get back, I’m going to fix that.
I believed him.
Chapter Twenty
Never lose, never choose to
Mathias
Technically, it was Bish’s turn to fight that night, but the money was too good to pass up. I waited until Bish’s fight was over—and he’d won—before I jumped in the ring with a guy who seemed to have fifty pounds on me.
In the end, it didn’t matter. I had a rage surfacing inside, brought on by the thought of someone taking Jessa away. I fought like the guy in front of me was the one threatening to do so and, in the end, I left him unconscious on the mat and walked away with blood on my hands.
Like I told Jessa, it would always be there. But tonight, I had an important reason to fight and break the rules Bish and I had set down once again.
I had a list of music in my pocket.
Jessa played a lot of the same songs I’d given her over and over. I did the same thing, especially when it was a song I loved, like “Enter Sandman,” no matter how crazy it drove Bish.
She said she’d had a lot of favorites on her iPod, and every time she mentioned a song she missed, I’d write it down. I had a pretty good-sized list that I kept in my pocket, had looked at it a million times, even though I’d practically memorized it. Some chick choices on there, to be sure, but hell, she was a chick. And if this was what made her happy, who was I to question it?
“These’ll cost you,” Randy told me now. He had the CDs laid out in front of me. Pain in the ass to have to buy the entire thing for a single song, but the days of iTunes was gone. We were back to pirating and bootlegging. “I’ve also got some Dead here, if you’re interested.”
I turned Ripple over, pretending to be undecided, when really, I’d collect as many of those as I could. My favorite—Bish’s too—and I wondered if Jessa would like the Dead.
“Look, I’ll give it to you for half if you buy this other shit.” Randy pointed to the pile of CDs he’d amassed, at my request, and I nodded and pulled out a good chunk of the cash I’d made last night. He counted it, shoved my purchases into a bag and I rejoined Bish in the van.
“I guess you’re a romantic fucker after all,” Bish said casually after I’d driven a while.
I guess I’ve finally got a reason to be.
I slid a glance over to Bish, but he just smiled and remained silent. Even let me put on Metallica and play “Sandman” over and over until we reached Defiance.
Love is what I got
Jessa
Mathias looked worse than he had last time, but he was moving easily enough and he smiled. He did look tired though as he went past me with a quick squeeze of my shoulder and I heard the shower turn on.
Bishop wasn’t here, and that was odd in and of itself, but I waited until the shower turned off before going in to check on Mathias.
He was toweling off his hair and he’d already pulled on a clean pair of jeans. I didn’t say anything, just walked up and put my hands on his bare chest. He shuddered a little under my touch. His eyes were on my face, but mine were on his body.
Ready? he mouthed, motioned toward the door. Self-defense.
“You’re hurt. You need sleep and rest.”
He gave a silent snort, then guided me out of the bathroom, where he typed, Made a promise. Plan on keeping it.
I didn’t argue, just followed him to the outside, through the compound in the dark. He wound his fingers through mine, his grip tight and reassuring as he kept his pace quick. I shivered, even though we’d only been outside for ten minutes.
He’d never broached bringing me into the tunnel system, and I knew better than to ask. I knew it was possibly safer—and warmer—but the idea of the maze, coupled with my fear of being lost underground, was too much to overcome. And I felt as though I’d overcome a lot already.
We were in the gym, the area where the mats padded the floor and the walls. He pointed to my shoes and jacket and I took both off.
He was going to teach me to fight.
You’re already good. I’ll make you better.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t need to learn, that I wanted him around to protect me. But in order for me to be able to help him, I had to help myself.
After he showed me a few basic moves, I punched my palm out the way he’d shown me—arm extended, palm flat—and I stopped under his nose. He nodded, put my palm to his nose and mimicked how I should push up, hard. And he told me that I needed to use that move against anyone who I thought could be a threat—because most likely, they would be.
His eyes were darker than normal when he mouthed that. Once we’d progressed past the smaller moves, he circled me, a small smile on his face, a totally nonthreatening one, and a rush of heat went though me as I watched him. He moved so fluidly, so silently, it was like watching a panther prepare to strike. He was too distracting and when he pounced, I wasn’t ready to defend myself. But I also didn’t want to, not when his big body covered mine, rolled me solidly under him.
His eyes glittered with amusement as he mouthed, You didn’t fight.
I put my hands on his shoulders, slid one behind his neck, the other into his hair. “You’re too pretty to fight.”
That made him laugh silently, but his cheeks also flushed slightly, the way they’d done when I caught him off guard with any kind of compliment. But he knew I meant it, mouthed, That’s the surprise. No one expects pretty to fight.
I knew it was important to learn, but at that moment, it was more important to kiss him, to revel in the fact that the world had stopped and there was no more rushing around, no place we had to be.
In that moment, I knew for certain that I’d fallen in love with this man, and that no matter what else happened, I’d always have that.
The mat was soft under me and Mathias’s hands were rough on my skin. Contradictions of the cool air on my skin, coupled with Mathias’s warm mouth as he kissed his way down my body, uncovering me slowly. Driving me crazy, until I wanted to rip my own clothes off. And he knew it, which is why he went deliberately slow.
My songs know what you did in the dark
Mathias
There was a connection between fighting and fucking that was inevitable, and indescribable unless you’d done both as hard as you goddamned could. I’d known that for what felt like forever, but tonight, Jessa learned it too.
Because of that, I was her goddamned slave for the rest of that night, and probably would be for many, many nights beyond that, if the fates continued to align.