Chapter Twenty-Five
This is my last resort
Jessa
“You knew.”
Mathias stared up at me from his seat in the small tent that housed medical attention for the fighters where I’d be quickly ushered post-fight, totally unconcerned as Bishop put ice on his hands. Shrugged.
“Am I supposed to not worry that the men who tried to sell me are here?”
“Actually, they’re dead, Jessa. These are different men.”
“They’re all the same to me,” I ground out. I was shaking. Watching Mathias fight was one thing, but doing so with the men who knew who I was, who now knew exactly where I was, was a different story. I’d been able to tamp down my fear and anger in the tent because I’d had no choice, because I owed that to Mathias and Bishop, and even to Defiance. But now, the anger rushed forward, an unstoppable force. “You both sold me out.”
You said you wanted to stay here. Bishop translated for Mathias. You have to trust us.
Maybe I didn’t belong in this world at all. I didn’t understand it. It made me uncomfortable. Maybe my parents had been right to shelter me—they’d known I couldn’t handle it.
But you handled the LoV...
It must’ve been desperation. Or dumb luck. Or my illness, as my mother referred to it, coming out.
You did it because you had to. This...this was people putting themselves out there to fight and kill for sport. For fun. For money.
Do you think everyone’s independently wealthy? Mathias mouthed.
I blinked at him. “I think you like fighting.”
He nodded, nonplussed, and my breath caught in my throat. I’d actually begun to think that this was my safe place. That Mathias was the safest place of all.
You can accept it or not, but this is my life. Probably would’ve been, Chaos or not. And a part of you really likes it. It turns you on. And because of that, you’re scared of how you feel. Scared of how far you’ve come, and how real it is. I think I’m just who you’ve been looking for your entire life, but if you want to play the scared virgin, maybe you do belong back where you came from. No one can protect you all the time. You have to protect yourself.
Mathias was signing, his eyes dark. Bishop’s words seemed to fly from his fingers and I didn’t take my eyes off him.
What had I expected—a different answer? A promise that he’d stop? We were in the middle of hell and I realized I missed my cotton sheets, for God’s sake. I’d lived in luxury my entire life and I’d thought I’d hated it. Thought I was rebelling because in my soul, I’d known I was in the wrong place when I was actually a foolish little girl who belonged there.
And when I told them both that last part, Bishop answered, “Or you’re just scared. Sometimes, when you finally get what you want, that happens. But you got your chance and now you’ve got to decide if you’ve got the balls to handle it.”
“I don’t,” I told him with a tremble in my voice. I got up to leave. Bishop put out a hand to stop me, but Mathias shook his head and I spun away from them, not sure where I was headed. Not at first, but then it became clearer where I needed to go.
I threaded through the crowds still wandering the compound, my head down, my heart pounding that maybe I’d run into Keller or the LoV. But I couldn’t care at that moment, because I needed to go to the person who’d started the whole thing.
Charlie was chained to the wall but it was his turn to look self-satisfied, the way I’d been when I’d first visited him with Mathias to back me up.
“Where’s your biker?”
A flutter in my stomach betrayed me and I almost turned and walked out. But I didn’t, because he added, “Let’s go back home together.”
It was exactly what I’d wanted to hear. But there were still things that needed to be resolved.
“Jessa, I was terrified. I knew that Keller wouldn’t hurt you. It was the best way to keep you safe until my father could get us the money. I thought you’d understand that.”
“How would I?” But had I misread the situation? I thought about the kidnapping and why Charlie and I started out from D.C. in the first place.
“I didn’t tell the LoV anything. Keller was going to get me to the right people. God, Jessa, it killed me to do that, but you said you’d do anything to stop what was happening. I was trying to save your goddamned life. I know it didn’t come off the way I’d planned it.”
I wanted desperately to believe him and maybe a little part of me did. But as I watched him, that voice inside my head, the one that was never scared, informed me, He’s playing you.
And because he was the consummate politician, I would never know the truth. But I knew mine. “So what now? How are we going to stop what’s happening at home?”
“We’ll have to run from here. Unless you can convince your biker to ask for ransom. My father will pay.”
And we’d just go home. Nothing would change. Defiance would be easily and effectively wiped off the map with my decision, and I hated that I had that kind of power.
“If we ran, Jessa, we’d be running and hiding forever, and we’d be vulnerable in every single town we stopped in. I realize now I was wrong to put you in this kind of danger. If we go home, I’ll take care of it and you can lean on me, the way you always have.”
I walked out and slammed the door before the sob tore from my throat. That had been a mistake. Had everything?
I looked up then and saw Mathias standing there. He’d heard everything. Whether he’d followed me because he didn’t trust me or because he wanted to comfort me, it didn’t matter. He took me by the arm and led me into the dark and across the compound. For a while, we walked and I breathed in the cool air. Mathias didn’t change his unhurried pace or his light hold on me, but he was steering me. I didn’t care which way—I let him guide me.
“End of the line?” I asked, but I hadn’t meant it as a joke.
Is it? he mouthed. You’re the one who walked away.
And he’d come after me. He didn’t seem angry, but maybe all these men were good actors. All I knew was that I could never hide my emotions. I could barely shield them, and in the case of Mathias, I’d failed miserably.
“I didn’t tell Charlie anything.”
What was there to tell?
“About us.”
But he knew.
“I could’ve said more. Told him I was with you.”
Are you?
“I thought I was until...”
Until you got scared.
“I hate being scared.” The words were a fierce bite out of my mouth, and they made him smile.
Your fight’s back. He paused. If you want to go back with him, no one’s stopping you.
“Just the chain on his ankle.”
We’ll send you both back, if that’s what you want. But I don’t want you here, with me, pretending you want me when all you really want is a place to hide.
“There’s more to it than that.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Never break the chain
Mathias
Of course there was more goddamned to it. But before I discussed that with her, I left her in Rebel’s care and headed back to Charlie.