Why couldn’t he understand that I loved both? When I told him all of this, he typed, You’ve never been free, Jessa. Never been on your own. I think you need that.
“I probably would’ve if I hadn’t met the one guy who gave me more freedom than I’d ever had, all while staying right by my side.”
Mathias’s cheeks flushed. I want to believe that.
“Then believe it.”
I want you to be happy. If that means finding yourself...or finding someone else, you deserve it, Jessa. I’d never want to be the one to hold you back, ever.
“We’ve barely started. I’m not letting this end now.”
A short story’s no less epic.
“I’m not letting you push me away. I know you won’t even teach me signs because me learning would mean you’d have to let me in. You couldn’t keep things from me.”
I’d hit it on the nose. His expression didn’t change but that’s how I knew. He put up a wall whenever he didn’t want to talk, went into soldier mode.
“Fine. If that’s the way you want to play it, then fuck you. We don’t need to communicate at all.”
Let me go
Mathias
Jessa turned away from me then, and since I’d gotten what I’d wanted, I walked away. I looked back at her once, because I couldn’t help myself, but she hadn’t.
Fucked that up good.
“On purpose,” Bish agreed, and I shot him the finger. He’d walked out ahead of me, maybe hoping I’d change my mind. “If you don’t want her, you don’t want her, right? S’cool. But if you do, you’ve got some serious romancing to do.”
I’ve got something else in mind.
“Better not be what I think it is.”
I didn’t bother answering him.
Chapter Thirty
Wild horses...couldn’t drag me away
Jessa
Two days later, Mathias still hadn’t reconsidered his decision to let me go, but I was going to fight fire with fire. I was writing out a list of songs that I wanted to include on a tape for him. My plan was to talk Bishop into letting me use Mathias’s recorder one day, but for now, I needed the perfect mix of songs.
Tru and Aimee had refused to let me stay inside the guesthouse crying, and I didn’t fight them too hard on it. Because I had to prove to myself—and to Mathias—that he’d been wrong. And so I’d gone out to the bar with them, under the protection of Hammer and Rebel, and I’d sung. But I was always singing to him.
Defiance was on lockdown, because we were still waiting to hear from Keller. I’d heard rumors that the supply trucks were due to pull in tomorrow, and everyone was unsure if that would truly happen.
I pushed that out of my mind now, because I couldn’t control that. I was sitting outside, in the main part of the compound, near the tattoo shop, listening to some of Mathias’s tapes now, because he hadn’t asked for them back. Over the past week, he would come and borrow some of the tapes back and leave me new ones, always at night, when I was asleep, so he didn’t have to talk to me. But I always knew when he was there. I’d hold my breath, hoping he’d wake me up, but he never did.
I started writing down some lyrics, trying to make this tape perfect. A blend of my feelings and my freedom, and how I saw him as both those things. I was so into the music I was listening to that I didn’t see the men approaching until I was surrounded. I would’ve noticed sooner if the sun had been out, but it was dark, and even the lights in the compound didn’t give off enough light to create shadows.
Mathias wasn’t in the tattoo shop—Tru was working there today—but he was close, across the compound meeting with some Defiance members, and I’d felt safe here. Until right now.
I’d never seen the two men who were suddenly in front of me. I’d only been here for two weeks, and for about half that time, the storms were terrible enough to keep most of Defiance locked underground. And I still hadn’t been allowed in the tubes. I can’t say that bothered me, because I’d spent enough time underground to last me a lifetime.
I didn’t want to look up at the two Defiance members, didn’t want to add to the sense of panic that raced through me. I squeezed the pen hard and willed Mathias to somehow know this was happening. I prayed for another one of his signs.
“Hey. You’re the new bitch,” one of them said finally when I refused to look up, and I bristled at the tone. It was said like bitch was their everyday language, what they always called women, and that was far more in tune with what I’d expected from an MC.
I glanced up and past them, but no one seemed to be noticing this was happening. I didn’t want to make a scene, because their patches said they were Defiance members...but something wasn’t right.
“Hey, talkin’ to you.” The second man snapped his fingers in my face.
I looked up at him. “What?”
“Bitch’s got a mouth on her,” the first guy said. “There’s a reward out for you. We want to collect.”
Since Mathias had rescued me, I’d been carrying a knife with me all the time. No matter how much Mathias had taught me about self-defense, he couldn’t convince me that a knife wasn’t better. I slid my hand in my pocket and gripped the handle. “I think you’re mistaken.”
The second one snorted. “She talks fancy. You know she’s not from around here.”
“She also doesn’t know the rules,” the first said.
“I’m with Mathias,” I told them firmly.
“Mathias isn’t Defiance. That means you’re fair game. And if you don’t know what that means, I’ll tell ya. Means you’re fair game to be passed around, and we’re taking some passing before we collect our reward.”
“Don’t you touch her.” Luna, the angry girl with the tattoos, and her beautifully furious face, was standing behind me.
“You’re not anyone’s girl either, Lu. Know your place.”
“She thinks she’s Rebel’s,” the second said to the first and they both laughed.
I hated them. If this was the type of man Defiance cultivated, I didn’t think I could handle them.
Or could I?
I jumped up—they weren’t expecting it—and I had the knife to the second guy’s carotid, like Mathias taught me. “Keep talking. It won’t take much for you to bleed out.”
Luna smirked. “Guess we don’t need a man after all. Because she just made you her bitch.” And then... “He mentioned a reward.”
Luna was talking to Mathias and I didn’t dare turn around. I was scared to hurt the man I was threatening, but also too scared to take my eyes off him.
I shouldn’t have worried. Mathias had the one I’d been threatening by the hair.
“You can’t touch me, mute—you’re not Defiance.”
Mathias mouthed clearly, Fuck. The. Consequences. And then he jerked the man up and away from me. They were circling each other and Mathias actually motioned the second guy to come at him too. A fight to the death, two against one.
“Get Bishop,” I told Luna.
“Mathias can handle this.”
“That’s the problem. Please, Luna.”
A part of her didn’t care about the rules of Defiance any longer, but a part of her still loved the MC, wanted it better. I could see that war waging in her eyes. But finally, she nodded and ran off.
When Bishop came minutes later, at a dead run, Caspar was on his heels. I begged Bishop, “Don’t let him.”
“He’s defending your honor,” Bishop told me.