When he pulled his hand away, I sagged, boneless and breathing heavily. I curled into him, my face pressed into his throat, my arms wrapping around his neck. My heart felt as if it had swelled in my chest. Everything I felt for him, all the torment and love, overwhelmed me. I clawed at him, trying to get closer.
“Shh.” He held me tighter, squeezing me until it was hard to breathe. “You’re questioning everything and driving yourself crazy.”
“I hate this,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t need you this much. It’s not healthy.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” His heart beat strongly beneath my ear. “And I take responsibility for that. I’ve taken the lead with some things and given it to you with others. That’s left you confused and worried. I’m sorry about that, angel. It’ll be easier moving forward.”
I leaned back so I could search his face. My breath caught when our eyes met and he stared back at me unflinchingly. I comprehended the difference then-there was a calm, solid serenity about him. Seeing that settled something inside me, too. My breathing slowed and evened; my anxiety lessened.
“That’s better.” He kissed my forehead. “I was going to wait until the weekend to talk about this, but now works. We’re going to come to an agreement. Once it’s met, there’s no turning back. Understand?”
I swallowed hard. “I’m trying.”
“You know the way I am. You’ve seen me at my worst. Last night, you said you want me anyway.” He waited for my nod. “That’s where I fucked up. I didn’t trust you to make that decision for yourself and I should have. Because I didn’t, I’ve been too cautious. Your past scares me, Eva.”
The thought of Nathan indirectly taking Gideon away from me was so painful, my knees drew even closer into my chest. “Don’t give him that power.”
“I won’t. And you have to realize there’s more than one answer for everything. Who says you need me too much? Who says it’s not healthy? Not you. You’re unhappy because you’re holding yourself back.”
“Men don’t-”
“Fuck that. Neither of us is typical. And that’s okay. Turn off that voice in your head that’s screwing you up. Trust me to know what you need, even when you think I’m wrong. And I’ll trust your decision to be with me despite my faults. Got it?”
I bit my lower lip to hide its trembling and nodded.
“You don’t look convinced,” he said softly.
“I’m afraid I’ll lose myself in you, Gideon. I’m scared I’ll lose the part of me I worked so hard to get back.”
“I’d never let that happen,” he promised fiercely. “What I want is for us both to feel safe. What you and I have together shouldn’t be draining us like this. It should be the one rock-solid thing we both count on.”
My eyes stung with tears at the thought. “I want that,” I whispered. “So much.”
“I’m going to give it to you, angel.” Gideon bent his dark head and brushed his lips over mine. “I’m going to give it to both of us. And you’re going to let me.”
“Things seem to be looking better this week,” Dr. Petersen said when Gideon and I arrived for our Thursday night therapy appointment.
We sat near each other this time, with our hands clasped together. Gideon’s thumb caressed my knuckles, and I looked at him and smiled, feeling settled by the contact.
Dr. Petersen flipped open the protective case of his tablet and settled more comfortably in his seat. “Is there anything in particular you’d like to discuss?”
“Tuesday was tough,” I said quietly.
“I imagine so. Let’s talk about Monday night. Can you tell me what happened, Eva?”
I told him about waking up from my own nightmare to find myself trapped in Gideon’s. I walked him through that night and the following day.
“So you’re sleeping separately now?” Dr. Petersen asked.
“Yes.”
“Your nightmares”-he looked up at me-“how often do you have them?”
“Rarely. Prior to dating Gideon, it’d been almost two years since my last one.” I watched him set the stylus down and start typing quickly. Something about his somberness made me anxious. “I love him,” I blurted.
Gideon stiffened beside me.
Dr. Petersen’s head came up, and he studied me. He glanced at Gideon, then back to me. “I don’t doubt it. What made you say that, Eva?”
I shrugged awkwardly, hyperaware of Gideon’s gaze on my profile.
“She wants your approval,” Gideon said grimly.
His words rubbed over me like sandpaper.
“Is that true?” Dr. Petersen asked me.
“No.”
“The hell it isn’t.” The rasp in Gideon’s voice was pronounced.
“It’s not,” I argued, although I’d needed him to say it aloud for me to understand that. “I just… It’s just the truth. That’s the way I feel.”
I looked at Dr. Petersen. “We have to make this work. We’re going to make this work,” I stressed. “I just want to know that you’re on the same page. I need to know that you understand that failure isn’t an option.”
“Eva.” He smiled kindly. “You and Gideon have a lot to work through, but it’s certainly not insurmountable.”
My breath left me in a rush of relief. “I love him,” I said again, with a decisive nod.
Gideon surged to his feet, his grip crushingly tight on my hand. “If you’ll excuse us a minute, Doctor.”
Confused and a little worried, I stood and followed him out to the empty reception area. Dr. Petersen’s receptionist had already gone home, and we were his last appointment of the day. I knew from my mother that these evening appointments came at a premium. I was grateful that Gideon was willing to pay for them not once but twice a week.
The door shut behind us, and I faced him. “Gideon, I swear it’s not-”
“Hush.” He cupped my face in both hands and kissed me, his mouth moving softly but urgently over mine.
Startled, it took me the length of two heartbeats to slide my hands beneath his jacket and grip his lean waist. When his tongue stroked deep into my mouth, a low moan escaped me.
He pulled back and I looked up at him, seeing the same gorgeous businessman in a dark suit that I’d first met, but the look in his eyes…
My throat burned.
The power and scorching intensity, the hunger and need. His fingertips brushed over my temples, across my cheeks, down to my throat. He tilted my jaw up and his lips pressed gently against mine. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. I got it.
He linked our fingers and led me back inside.
Chapter 9
I hurried through the security turnstiles of the Crossfire and grinned when I saw Cary waiting for me in the lobby.
“Hey, you,” I greeted him, admiring how he managed to make worn jeans and a V-neck T-shirt look expensive.
“Hey, stranger.” He held out his hand to me and we stepped out of the building through the side door hand-in-hand. “You’re looking happy.”
The noonday heat hit me like a physical barrier. “Ugh. It’s hot as hell. Let’s pick somewhere close. You up for tacos?”
“Hell yeah.”
I took him to the little Mexican place Megumi had introduced me to and tried not to let him see how guilty his greeting made me feel. I hadn’t been home in a couple days and Gideon was planning a weekend trip away, which meant it would be another few days before I hung out with Cary again. It had been a relief when he’d agreed to meet me for lunch. I didn’t want to go too long without checking in with him and making sure he was all right.
“Got any plans tonight?” I asked, after ordering for both of us.