That hadto be part of Justin’s reaction to her…as long as she was a pretty good little kid, he had her in a safe place in his mind. Sex, in Justin, wasn’t going to go her way and she had to face it, was all. No other woman ever seemed to interest him; and she seemed to be thefemale he reacted to, but it wasn’t the reaction she wanted–or that at least part of her wanted. When she thought about it logically–or as logically as she could manage–she knew it was one thing to imagine having sex with Justin; but it was a damned scary prospect to contemplate really doing it. It scared him; it scared her. And–the real stinger–it inevitably had a morning after, which just wouldn’t be good for either of them.
So maybe she was the little kidfor now. As they aged, the difference in their ages would get less. He’d be more like Jordan was now, she’d be more like Ari was then–
And it just wouldn’t get any better, would it? Forget the thought.
She just had to prevent it all going nova, was all. She couldn’t lose him, the way Ari had lost Jordan. That was the important thing.
She wondered what sort of answer she’d get from Jordan, if she asked him if he and the first Ari had ever had sex. She hadn’t found it in the records, and she wondered about it. He’d be shocked at the question, she thought, probably disturbed, given that the relationship had gone the way it did–and then he’d twist it around and ask her if she aimed at Justin. Only he’d probably put it more bluntly–to shock her.
If she took the old war with Jordan into the realm of sexual innuendo, it could divert it away from the real issues–sex being, even with people who weren’t kids, a short‑circuit in the logic process.
So she didn’t want to ask him, or get into that dialogue, because he wouldn’t answer. He didn’t have to answer anything, ever, and he used that fact like a weapon, challenging them, outright challengingthem to break their own law and go after him, because then they’d be what he’d always said they were.
Maybe that was what went on in his head–just a spaghetti code of a thought process that hoped someday he could break them before they broke him…
And, dammit, she’d let the recording get away from her again. She remembered the place, sent it back to the precise number, and ran it the third time–this time hearing that little kidremark with a lot more logic functioning. It was sad, it was hurtful, but her pulse rate had settled and she had her brain working again.
The recording ran on. There wasn’t anything else…down to the bit Catlin had flagged.
“Answer them, dammit! Leave it for security. Live your life. Ask Yanni for a few cases, and get busy, high‑level, low‑level, it doesn’t matter. I’ll go to him…”
“But you haven’t done it, have you? I seem to remember you were going to do that.”
“I’ve been a little busy. Never mind how. Just–I will.”
“You really don’t get the picture, do you? They won’t let me write sets. They’re paranoid. And, no, I’m not going to get any work.”
“Jordan, don’t explode. She’d check them over. If she passed them, ultimately, they’ll be passed.”
“That’s not even worth a comment.”
“Because you’re too fucking proud.”
“Because I’m not going to deal with her. I’m not going to her begging.”
“Then I will. She’ll get you through this. Nobody’s going to pin anything on you. No more frame‑ups.”
Wouldhe ask her? She wasn’t sure how she was going to answer that if Justin did. It would be interesting to critique one of Jordan’s current designs. But if she said one word to him, Jordan would blow, and that wouldn’t help anything. If he really did, it might poison the atmosphere between her and Justin, and Jordan was perfectly capable of writing something she’d have to criticize, just to get that result.
So maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Endlessly, Jordan played the martyr and Justin tried to do something to help him. Catlin didn’t like it, from the viewpoint of her own profession, and she’d flagged that particular exchange as worrisome, but that was how those two were, just being Jordan and Justin, to the hilt. That she’d be upset about something else in the file–Catlin, dear, loyal Catlin, hadn’t picked that up, didn’t feel the least upset herself by Justin’s statement, or remotely think shewould be upset, or Catlin would have warned her. It was downright funny–Catlin just hadn’t seen it.
She loved Catlin. And Catlin helped her, finally, get it all in perspective. Her own reaction was all gauzy wisp, pure emotion, evaporative on a breeze, and nothing to do with rationality–unless you started taking your own rattled assessment for solid and factual, and that was a mistake that launched your whole universe into mythology, especiallywhen it was a love‑hate reaction. Catlin dealt purely in substance, and found real substance in that latter bit that she herself didn’t see as alarming, or at least didn’t see as at all surprising–so she wasn’t fluxed by it, just analytical, and that was that, and she could tell herself calmly, yes, she’d hear the request and she’d think about it and she’d probably say no. When Justin actually asked her.
It was interesting, however, to hear that first scene as Catlin, and realize that, if she were Catlin, she just couldn’t be fazed by any assessment of her age–Catlin was just Catlin, and knew what she could do, any other judgement was, in Catlin’s view, just mistaken.
Catlin did, however, worry about Justin’s mental engagement with Jordan’s frustration, and possibly the vector it would take, entangling her and trying for sympathy.
And it would involve Justin going right to Yanni’s door, at a sensitive time in her own relations with Yanni. There was that little question.
That wasworth a slow rethinking, in Catlin’s way of looking at born‑man behavior. In Catlin’s view, a born‑man following his emotions was apt to do any damned thing, not necessarily prudent, or successful, or even in his own self‑interest.
This request certainly wouldn’t be in Justin’s interest. That was the thing about realself‑sacrifice, unlike Jordan’s martyrdom: it knowingly gave away bits of itself, trying to make the environment saner, and better.
On the other hand, another inquiry about Jordan could, coming from her, constitute a very interesting probe into Yanni Schwartz’s motives.
She thought about it a moment. And she was surer and surer about her course of action.
She wrote a note to Justin, and sent it. It said:
Don’t go to Yanni with your fathers situation. The Patil investigation is going to have Yanni’s office in an uproar, ReseuneSec is conducting the investigation, and I don’t want Hicks’ office to sweep you and Grant up for questioning. Then I’d have Hicks getting all upset and bothered because I’d have to go over his head to Yanni to get you out. I would do it, understand, but that would just complicate things and you still wouldn’t get your answer out of Yanni and I’d have Hicks mad at me, which would just make matters worse. I have to talk to Yanni anyway. Let me approach Yanni about Jordan’s getting some work to do. I’d be happy to. I want things to work out, the same as I know you do. You and Grant just be careful about going out of the wing, even to restaurants, and don’t send Grant by himself. I don’t want trouble with ReseuneSec.
Justin had a strong tic, where it concerned ReseuneSec. And it wasn’t altogether the most honest thing she’d ever written, but its purpose was. And there was stillthe question of who had put Jordan on to Eversnow, and who had dropped that card into his pocket–if they could believe a word of what he’d said.