He stood there now in front of Dennis, and realized that the man had grown older. There was something else too. He didn't look as big as he used to. Had he lost weight, or had Evan merely grown, become a man? Suddenly, as he looked into Dennis's watery and somehow hunted eyes, he had the irrational but overwhelming feeling that something was threatening his father, and he wanted nothing more than to be with him and protect him.
"Dad?" he said uncertainly.
"I'm… glad to see you, Evan." Dennis held his hands out in front of him, as if not knowing what to do with them, how to make them form a paternal embrace, and the thought ran through Evan's head, Is he acting? There were so many times he was unable to tell.
"I'm glad to see you too," Evan said, taking the hands and holding them.
"Hello, Evan," Robin said, her voice as warm as his father's hands were cold. "Welcome home." He felt Dennis's fingers stiffen when she said that. He knew what Robin meant, that this was where his family was, whatever family meant, but he wondered if his father felt the same way.
There was a pause that seemed to last forever, but Sid finally broke the silence. "You hungry, Evan?"
He shook his head as he released his father's hands. They stayed where they were for a moment, then slowly the fingers closed, and Dennis brought them back to his side. "No thanks, Sid," Evan said. "I had something."
"Jesus, not airline food."
"Worse. Bus station."
"You came in on the bus?" Robin said. "From where?"
"Quantico."
"Virginia?" He nodded. "Then you're on leave?" she asked.
"You might say that," Evan said. "Permanent leave. The Corps and I have parted company."
"I thought you were in for another year or two," Sid said.
"Honorable discharge." Evan smiled. "Always honorable, never fear. Medical reasons.”
"Medical?" Dennis frowned. "Are you all right?"
"The asthma I had when I was a kid kicked up. Nothing life-threatening, but, under the circumstances, pretty inconvenient. They were a little pissed I hadn't told them about it when I enlisted."
"Well, look," said Sid, "I'm sure you have a lot of catching up to do, so I'll take care of some shopping. The farmer's market is due to have some fresh cauliflower – I know you always liked that stuff, Evan. You'll, uh, be staying for dinner?"
"I don't know," said Evan. "We'll see."
Sid nodded and took a jacket from the coat tree near the door.
"Hold on, Sid, I'll go with you," said Robin, giving Dennis and Evan a peck on the cheek. "It's been a long time since the two of you were alone together. Too long. And, Evan, you will stay for dinner. At least." In another few seconds the two of them were gone.
"Well," said Dennis. "Come in. Let's sit down."
He followed his father through the entry and the spacious living room down a short hall into a baronial den paneled with oak. Evan was relieved when Dennis did not sit behind the massive carved desk, but instead sat on a leather couch, beckoning his son to seat himself on the other end. At least, Evan thought, we're not on opposite sides of the room. That must mean something.
"I'm glad you're out," Dennis said, crossing both his legs and his arms.
"I thought you would be."
"I never wanted you to go."
"I know. You screamed like hell when I told you."
"Do you blame me? We had other plans for you."
"They weren't my plans."
"You never wanted to go in the Marines."
"It was the only way out."
"Out from what?"
"From the prep schools, from the college you picked for me. It was the only thing I figured I could pick for myself."
"It was a waste. A waste of two years."
Evan barked a laugh. "How do you know it was a waste? You've barely spoken to me in two years. Two Christmases ago, that was all. When I came to see you in New Orleans? Even then we hardly said a word to each other." He sighed, and slumped back in the couch. The leather creaked under his weight. "Look, Dad, I didn't come here to fight. We fought enough." He looked into his father's eyes. "And I always knew I could never win. I could only run away." He smiled gently. "How can anyone hope to beat the emperor?"
Dennis looked away, and Evan was again struck with how his father had aged. "I'm not the emperor anymore." He turned back to Evan, who was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't want to fight either. I've missed you terribly. I did write to you…"
"I know. I got the letters."
"You didn't write back."
"There wasn't anything to say."
"You could have told me what you were doing -"
"That's not what I mean. I didn't have anything… to say to you." He smiled. "No subtext."
Dennis did not smile back. "So. What are you going to do now?"
"Why? Do you have plans for me? College?"
"Not if you don't want to. It's your life."
"Well. I'm glad you finally realize that." Evan sighed and put his head against the cool leather back of the couch. "I don't have any plans, not really. Thought I'd just move around, see the country." He smiled. "Since you never took me with you on the road."
"I suppose I should have," Dennis said.
"It was what I wanted most of all – to be with you." He cleared his throat and corrected himself. "To be on the road."
"Why not now, then?"
He shifted his head to look at his father. "Now?"
"We really could use you. We have no ASM, since Tommy… you heard about it?"
"How could I help but? You have a way of staying in the public eye.”
“Work with us, Evan. Stay here."
"I see you haven't lost the imperial 'We.'"
"I didn't mean that – I meant the family. We have one, you know. Robin and Sid and John, Donna, Marvella – there's a togetherness here, and I'd like you to be a part of it. I do love you, you know -"
"Come on, Dad…" He felt embarrassed. He could not remember his father telling him that, although he was sure that he must have, years ago.
"I do, Evan. I only ever wanted what I thought was best for you. Maybe I made mistakes -"
Evan laughed uncomfortably. "Maybe is right."
Dennis turned pale at the rebuke. "I never meant to hurt you."
"Dad, you never hurt me. I mean, I always knew you had my best interests at heart. Damn thing is, most of the time you were right." He shook his head slowly. "The service was one of my mistakes."
"How could you know that asthma would kick up?…"
"It wasn't just asthma…" Evan's voice trailed off as he remembered the humiliation of standing in front of his squad, trying to speak, to command, the terrifying inability to fill his lungs with air, while the others watched with a mixture of bemusement, pity, and contempt.
"What, Evan?"
He heard his father's voice as if from far away, and twisted his head as if to clear it of the memories. "Nothing. Never mind, nothing important." He stood up and began to move around the room. He felt like a caged animal, and knew he must look like one too. "I can't stay here, Dad. Thanks for the invitation, but I can't."
"Why not?" Dennis's voice was pleading. It was a sharp contrast to the father he had known before, the father who would not have accepted an answer that did not please him, and it nearly weakened Evan's resolve.
"It… the time's not right, things, the situation, I just.. . need to be by myself," he said weakly.
Dennis sat there, his eyes large with sorrow. "Stay the night," he said at last. "Have dinner. Stay the night, maybe longer. Could you do that?"