“Wha—?” Shock cuts the word in half. “Logan, don’t be ridiculous. You don’t need my blessing for anything.”
“I don’t need it. I would like to have it. You’re the closest thing I have to Callie herself. It would mean something if you approved.” His voice drops. “It would mean that Callie would’ve approved, too.”
I fight to relax the muscles around my eyes and mouth. Oh, Logan. She’s not in another realm. She’s lying here, only a few miles from where we’re standing. You could be holding her hand in thirty minutes. All you’d have to do is go to your brother. All I’d have to do is tell the truth.
But the infinite sky above me is the same one that covered Jonas. It heard the escalating rumble of the rocks, it smelled the dust kicked up by the horse’s hooves. It understands the dangers of loving someone too much and for too long. And now that Mikey’s told me his story, it’s become part of my life, too. I can’t forget it any more than my arms and legs. I can’t let Logan turn into my mom, not if there’s something I can do about it.
“What do you say, Jessa? Do I have your blessing?” He sounds so sincere, so earnest. So much like the brother I never had, so much like the sister I had for too short a time. In a way, he’s both those things for me—brother and sister. Maybe even parent, too.
I grab my temples. The sun blinds me, and my head spins with all this endless blue. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Who is right? What is wrong? What would Callie do?
My breath comes faster and faster. I see spots in my vision, and my fingers begin to tingle. “Sure, Logan,” I blurt out before I hyperventilate or faint. “Whatever you want. Of course you have my blessing.”
It is the coward’s way out. I have not so much made a decision as delayed it. But it’s like what Mikey said. Give it a few weeks. There’s no hurry.
In this case, time is on my side.
Logan goes back to Ainsley, and I walk along the wall of the compound, trying to clear my head. As I pass the gate, I catch a flash of black hair and a white lab coat over a thermal shirt and cargo pants.
I do an about-face and open the door. “Tanner, is that you? What are you doing here?”
He steps over the threshold, his eyes steady, his lips resting against each other. He’s not frowning, but he’s not smiling, either. “I offered to walk you home. You refused.”
“So you followed me?” I ask, outraged.
“It’s not like it was my choice,” he says evenly. “Preston’s orders. Now that we’re asking you to come to TechRA every day, he feels responsible for you. Wants to make sure you get home safely.”
Oh. I flush. That’s sweet of Preston, even though I’m the last girl who needs an escort home. I lived in the wilderness for six years without a parent, and I’ve been getting myself around Eden City for the last four.
“Sorry I’m such a burden,” I mutter, not looking at him.
He puts a finger under my chin and tilts it up, so that I’m looking into his eyes. They’re dark and intense—and so damn-the-Fates inscrutable. Just once, I’d like to know what he’s thinking.
“I never said you were a burden, Jessa.”
For a moment, my heart stutters, suspended somewhere between beats. But he doesn’t continue. He never said I was a burden, but he doesn’t say I’m not one, either. He doesn’t say he likes me or enjoys my company. Probably for one good reason. It’s not true.
“Well, you’ve confirmed that I’m here, safe and sound. So you can go now.”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind having a tour of the compound.” He looks over my shoulder, taking in the orderly rows of units with their shiny solar panels and the moving sidewalk that winds between them. “When I was here last time, Mikey met me at the gate at the crack of dawn, and he marched me straight to his house. Guess he didn’t want anyone to see me.”
I chew on my lip. On the one hand, I know exactly why Mikey took him straight home. The Harmony community doesn’t allow in many outsiders, particularly scientists—Mikey’s position notwithstanding. We may live in civilization now, but there’s always been a clear “us” and “them.”
On the other hand, Tanner was here to do Mikey a favor. To build a playpen for his daughter. It sucks that he was made to feel inferior—even if he is the most superior person I know.
What’s more, I remember the look in his eyes when he found out I’d been withholding information from him. Information that might be able to salvage his experiments. He’d been pissed, sure. But there had also been a sliver of hurt, an edge of betrayal. I’m not that girl who thinks only about herself. Who offers to help others only when there’s something in it for her.
At least I don’t think I am. I may not be as selfless as Callie, but I’m not a terrible human being, either.
For some inexplicable reason, it kills me to think he might believe otherwise.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he thinks. He’s barely spoken to me all week—and when he did, it always consisted of polite civilities.
Except once.
Two days ago, we passed the cardinal-haired woman in the hallway, the one who helped me get into the elevator capsule. She twisted the data-chip ring on her finger and mouthed, He’s cute. Immediately, I lunged into Tanner, wrapping myself around him. His torso was solid and warm—and pressed against mine. My mouth went dry, and my heart fluttered in my chest like a butterfly caught in a cage. I lifted my eyes, and they locked with his gaze. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever—and then the woman giggled and walked away.
He raised one of his eyebrows.
“I…uh, tripped,” I blurted out. “Sorry about that.”
“If you wanted to grab me, all you had to do was ask,” he said.
That was the first time he’d said anything personal to me all week. This is the second.
Without another word, I step to the side so that he can walk farther into the compound. Immediately, he zeroes in on Logan and Ainsley, still messing around with the hoverboard, and I know he must’ve seen my conversation with Logan.
“Who’s that?” he asks curiously. “Your ex-boyfriend?”
“Fates, no.” Why is he asking? Would he care if Logan were my ex? Would it matter if I were dating someone right now?
No, of course not, I tell myself sternly. I’m not his type, remember? And he’s not mine. I’m not interested in scientists, even if they build playpens for sweet babies. Even if their hands are remarkably gentle when they comfort you after a crying fit. I’m not.
I don’t think.
Aw, fike. This line of thinking isn’t going to get me anywhere. “Logan’s way too old for me,” I say. “Besides, he’s like my family. He was…my sister’s boyfriend.”
“Ah. I thought his name sounded familiar.” He opens his mouth, as if to say more, and then snaps it shut again.
“It’s not like he’s forgotten about Callie,” I say defensively. “I didn’t tell him she was in a coma, and he’s moving on. He’s finally happy. I can’t ruin that for him.”
I turn to stomp away, but he catches my hand.
“Hey,” he says softly. “There’s no judgment here. I was just asking.”
Our eyes meet. I still can’t figure out a damn thing he’s thinking, but for the first time since the mouse bit me, my stomach stops sloshing and my nerves become still. He makes me feel, in this one infinitesimal moment…not safe, exactly, but understood. And that’s about as safe as I can feel in a world where Chairwoman Dresden has power.
“Slumming with scientists?” A voice intrudes my thoughts.
I look up. For the first time, I notice that passersby on the straightaway are shooting us—and, in particular, Tanner’s white lab coat—dirty looks. The guy who spoke is a couple of years older than me. I don’t know him well. He wasn’t part of the original Harmony but is the son of a woman who was.