She laughed and shook her head. “Not according to my doctor. The kid's probably got big feet like me.” She smiled at her husband. “Or he's carrying a football.”
“Or a purse.” They both laughed, and Teddy sighed as he thought of Vanessa. “Think she'll start seeing this guy again?”
“She might.”
“What's his name?”
“John Henry.”
“John Henry what?”
“That's it. John Henry.”
“He sounds like a phony.” Teddy frowned.
“And you,” Linda laughed at him, “sound just like a father. One minute you're all upset that she'll never go out with him again, the next minute you think he's a creep.”
“Have you seen him?”
“No. But Vanessa's a bright girl. If she says he's a terrific guy, I'm sure he is. She certainly isn't easy about men, so if she likes this one that much, I'd say he's probably a winner.”
“Well, we'll see what happens.”
“Yes, we will.” Linda was looking at her husband. “Don't worry about it so much. She's all right, Teddy.”
“I hope so.” He lay back on the bed. “I've been so worried about her lately.” But much of the time his worries about Vanessa were eclipsed. He was so excited about the baby that he could hardly wait until the due date. He was more than a little concerned about Linda having her first baby at forty. Medically speaking, they both knew the dangers of giving birth to a first baby at her age, but her doctor seemed to feel confident that there would be no problems.
But more and more Teddy found himself remembering Serena's pregnancies. He remembered the golden glow she had seemed to have before the birth of Vanessa, and how he had delivered her himself that afternoon, alone in the house in the Presidio. He told Linda about it one night, and she watched him. Something so gentle and so sad always happened to his face when he spoke of Serena. It gave her just a hint of what the woman must have been like, and always made her wish that she had met her. She had seen photographs of her among some of Teddy's old things, and she was really incredibly beautiful. It was funny, only Vanessa's shape was actually reminiscent of her mother. Her face and everything else about her was exactly like her father. It was only in looking at the old photographs or remembering cherished moments that Serena still came alive to Teddy.
“Weren't you terrified?” Linda was referring to when he had found Serena on the floor, already in hard labor.
“Scared shitless.” He grinned. “I had been in med school for exactly four months, and the only thing I knew about delivering babies was what I had seen in the movies. Boil water and smoke a lot until the doctor comes out of the room, wiping his hands. And suddenly the whole damn movie was upside down and I was the doctor.”
“Did she have a hard time?” There was a tiny edge of fear in Linda's voice as she spoke. In the last few weeks she had started to get a little nervous. But Teddy knew instantly what was happening and he kissed her and shook his head.
“No, she really didn't. I think most of all we were both scared because we didn't know what was happening. But once she started pushing, it went great after that.”
“You know”—she smiled sheepishly at Teddy—”I hate to admit it, at my age, and with my training …” He smiled, already knowing what was coming. “… but lately I've been getting nervous about it.”
“I hate to tell you this, Doctor, but that's perfectly normal. All women get nervous before childbirth. Who wouldn't? It's a major happening in anyone's life, and physically it's always a little scary.”
“I feel so silly though. I'm a psychiatrist, I'm supposed to be able to handle things like that.” She looked at him in sudden panic. “What if I can't stand the pain? … if I freak out … ?” He took her in his arms and stroked her dark hair.
“You're not going to, and it's going to be wonderful.”
“How do you know?” She sounded like any of a million patients and he loved her better for it.
“Because you're in good health, you've had no problems at all, and because I'm going to be right there with you the whole time.”
Linda had been so excited about this first baby that she had bought everything in sight since the day she found out she was pregnant. The nursery was a sea of white eyelet with blue and pink ribbons, there was an antique bassinet draped in white organdy, a cradle a patient had sent her, shelves filled with dolls, handmade quilts, and lots of little goodies knitted by Linda's mother. A dozen times a day now she walked into the room, looked around, and she always felt that something was missing. It was five days before her due date when she finally realized what it was that was missing, as she laughingly told Vanessa over lunch.
“It's the baby!” They born laughed at the revelation. Linda had retired from her practice the week before, and she was enjoying the last days of waiting. “I must admit, I'm a little antsy. But part of that is just not working for the first time in fifteen years. I feel guilty as hell about that.” But she was going back for half days when the baby was a month old, so the five weeks she'd taken off were really no more than a healthy vacation.
“Your patients will wait.”
“I suppose so,” Linda sighed, “but I worry about them.”
“You're as bad as Teddy. Before he met you, he'd have a nervous breakdown if he took two weeks off. There's something about doctors. They're compulsive.”
Linda grinned. “I think we like to call it conscientious.”
“Well, I must say, I admire it. But I don't have that problem. I spent all of last week sitting on my ass and I loved it.”
“Oh?” Linda looked intrigued. “With anyone special, or is that an indiscreet question?”
There was a twinkle in Vanessa's eyes when she answered. “I saw John Henry again. I decided not to use him as my agent.” For Vanessa that was a major step, Linda knew. She had been almost certain that that was going to be the way out Vanessa would have selected. She would hire him as her agent and then claim that she couldn't get involved with him after that.
“That's an interesting decision.” She sounded noncommittal, and Vanessa grinned.
“You sound like a shrink.”
“Do I?” Linda laughed. “I apologize. I meant to sound like an aunt.”
A warm look passed between them. “You're not bad at that either. No, I don't know. I thought about it a lot. And in a funny way I think we were already too involved with each other for me to do business with him coherently. The funny thing”—she looked at Linda in a puzzled way—”is that I'm attracted to him.”
“Is that such a shock?”
“For me, yes. Most of the time, Linda”—she shrugged—”even if I like them, I don't want to go to bed with them. I just… I just can't.…”
“When the right one comes along, it'll be different.”
“How do you know?” Vanessa looked very young as she asked her. “Sometimes I think maybe I'm just strange. It's not that I don't like men, it's just that …” She groped for the words. “It's as though there were this wall up between them and me, and I just can't get past it.” That was exactly what was happening, as Linda knew only too well. She only hoped that one day Vanessa would find the door, or have the courage to climb over the wall.
“There are no walls too high for us to climb, love. Some walls just take more work than others. I think that it may just depend on how badly you want to.”
“I don't know.” Vanessa didn't look convinced. “It's not really that … it's like I just don't know how to begin, or what to do. … But,” she sighed softly, “it's crazy, John seems to understand that.”
“How old is he?”
“Twenty-seven.” Linda found herself wishing that he were older, and perhaps more mature.
“But he seems a lot older than his age. He was married for four years. They got married when he was in college. Childhood sweethearts and all that. She got pregnant, so they got married when he was eighteen. But—” She hesitated, realizing that she had just made a ghastly faux pas, and she looked up at Linda. “Never mind. It's a long story.”