42
The morning of Christmas Eve Serena sat across the dining table from Vasili, and with a pale face and shaking hands she set down her cup. They were alone in the dining room and the doors were closed. Vasili looked as though he had been embalmed only that morning, and he did not attempt to meet her eyes.
“I want you to know that I'm going back to the States the day after Christmas. I'd leave tonight, except that it would upset Vanessa. Just stay away from me until I go, and everything will be fine.”
“I understand perfectly.” He actually hung his head in shame, and she wanted to hit him for what he had done, for what he was doing, to himself as well as to her. She couldn't even think of what was happening in her own body. She hadn't had time to think of it all day. She'd have to make arrangements for an abortion when she got back to New York, maybe Teddy would even help her, but she didn't want to waste time here. She just wanted to go home.
She got up from the table then, and suddenly, as she walked toward the door, the whole room spun around her, and a moment later she awoke lying on the floor. Vasili was kneeling beside her, looking at her in terror, shouting at the maid for a damp cloth to put on her head. “Serena! … Serena! … oh, Serena …” He was crying as he knelt beside her and Serena felt tears spring to her own eyes as well. She wanted to reach up and hold her arms out to him, but she couldn't do it. She had to be strong. She had to leave him, and leave London, and get rid of their child. “Oh, my darling, what happened? I'll call the doctor.”
“Don't!” Her voice was still weak and the room spun as she shook her head. “I'm all right.” It was a whisper. “I'll get up in a minute.” But when she did, she looked sicker than he.
“Are you ill?” he asked her in despair, wondering if he had done that to her, but she only shook her head.
“No, I'm not.”
“But it's not normal to faint like that.”
She looked at him unhappily as she stood in the doorway at last. “What's been happening around here isn't normal either. Or maybe you hadn't thought of that.”
“I told you last night I would stop it. Day after tomorrow I'm going into the hospital for a few days, and then I'll be myself again.”
“For how long?” she shouted at him. “How often has this happened before? Is that how your wife died? Were you both shooting up drugs and she overdid it?” Her voice trembled and tears poured down her face.
But now he began to cry too as he spoke in an agonized whisper. “Yes, Serena … yes … yes! … I tried to save her, but I couldn't. It was too late.” He closed his eyes then, as though he couldn't bear the thought.
“You make me sick. Is that what you expect from me? To find a friend you could use drugs with?” She shook as she shouted at him, and neither of them saw Vanessa come down the stairs. “Well, I won't. Do you hear me? And I won't stay married to you either. I'm going back to New York and the minute I get there I'm having an abortion and—” She stopped, realizing what she had just said. And he came instantly toward her.
“What did you say?” He grabbed her shoulders, his eyes wide.
“Nothing, dammit… nothing!” She slammed the door to the dining room behind her and ran toward the stairs where she found Vanessa crying softly. Vasili was upon them a moment later, and the three of them sat on the stairs in tears. It was a grim scene, for which Serena hated both herself and Vasili. Vasili apologized again and again for what he had done to both of them, Serena clung to Vanessa, and Vanessa screamed at Vasili that he was killing her mother. It seemed a hopeless tangle, and at last it was Vasili who led them both upstairs. Nothing more was said about the baby. But when at last Vasili was alone with Serena again, after they had left Vanessa calmer with the maid, he asked her if what she had said was true.
“So you're pregnant?” She nodded and turned away. He came to her slowly then and touched her shoulders with his hands as he stood behind her. “I want you—no, I beg you to keep my child, Serena … please … give me a chance … I will be clean again in a few days. It will be as it was before. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the adjustment between us, the responsibility of pleasing Vanessa, I went crazy for a little while. But I'll stop it. I swear it. Please—” His voice cracked and she turned around to see her husband dissolved in tears. “Don't kill my baby … please.…” Even Serena couldn't resist him, and she opened her arms and held him close.
“How could you have done it, Vasili? How could you?”
“It won't happen again. If you want, I'll go into the hospital tonight. I won't even wait until after Christmas. I'll go now.”
She looked at him strangely and nodded. “Do it. Do it right away.” He called the hospital ten minutes later, and she drove him there within the hour. She kissed him good-bye in the lobby and he promised to call her that night. When she left him, she drove directly home and climbed into her bed, and Teddy called her half an hour later, allegedly to wish them both a merry Christmas, but a few minutes later he asked if everything was all right. She had to fight to control her voice as she spoke to him, and she said nothing about coming home. But when she handed the phone to Vanessa, the child cried so hard that she almost couldn't speak. Serena sent her back to her room a few minutes later and Teddy confronted her then.
“Are you going to tell me what's going on there, or do I have to come over to see for myself?” The thought of confessing her mistake to Teddy made her cringe, but she was too unhappy to fool him, and in a rush of tears she told him what was going on. “Oh, my God. You've got to get out.”
“But that's not fair. He just went into the hospital for detoxification. Maybe I owe it to him to give him a chance. He says he'll be himself again when he comes out.”
“That's not saying much.”
Serena wiped away her tears and sniffed. “That's a rotten thing to say.”
“He's a rotten man. Face it, dammit. You've made a terrible mistake. And you can't drag Vanessa through this, or yourself.”
“But what if he comes back from the hospital all right?” And now she was having his baby. She began to cry again, thinking of all the problems and decisions she had on her hands. “Oh, Teddy … I don't know what to do.”
“Come home.” He had never sounded as firm before. “I mean it. Get your ass on a plane tomorrow and come back to New York. You can stay with me.”
“I can't leave now. He's my husband. It's not right.” All her torment and conflict surfaced at once and she resisted Teddy's suggestion with all her might.
“Then send Vanessa until you're sure he's cleaned up.”
“And be away from her at Christmas?” Serena started to cry again.
“Oh, for God's sake, Serena, what in God's name is happening over there … what's happening to you?” She felt crazier than Vasili as she tried to answer his question.
“I'm so unhappy and frightened, I can't think straight.”
“That much I know.”
But the rest he didn't. “I'm pregnant.”
He whistled softly. “Holy shit.” And then after a thoughtful pause, “Look, get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow.” But the next day when he did, all hell had broken loose in New York. Someone at the hospital where Vasili was detoxing had fed that little item to the press, and it had gone over the AP wires before morning, appearing in a small but nasty news article in the States. Margaret's clipping service had sent the article over by messenger. She was furious and at the same time almost victorious.
“It's not bad enough that she uses our name to flaunt herself all over New York, now she's married to that miserable café-society junkie. For God's sake, Teddy, what next?” She had called him at eight o'clock in the morning. “Do you still speak to that woman?”