Stannard asked quietly, ‘What about Aikman, sir?’
Lindsay did not hear him. ‘Take over, Number One. I’m going below for half an hour.’ He left without another word.
Goss grunted and walked to the empty chair. Stannard sighed and turned towards his chart room.
Only Ritchie knew what was wrong with the captain. Jupp had explained. Not that it helped to know about it, Ritchie thought.
10
Christmas leave
Lindsay removed his cap and tucked it beneath his arm as he stepped into Boase’s sickbay. A week had passed since the survivors had been pulled aboard, and in that time the doctor and his staff had done wonders. Three of the survivors had died of their injuries and two more were still dangerously ill, but under the circumstances it was a miracle any had endured the fires and the freezing cold.
Boase was washing his hands, and hurried across when he saw Lindsay. He looked very tired: but managed to smile and say, ‘Nice of you to look in, sir.’ He eyed Lindsay’s strained features and added, ‘Wouldn’t do you any harm to rest for a bit.’
Lindsay looked around the long sickbay. The neat white cots, an air of sterile efficiency which he had always hated. The five girls had survived, and that was the biggest surprise of all. Maybe they were tougher than men after all, he thought wearily. Four of them were sitting in chairs, watching him now, dressed in a colourful collection of clothing which the ship’s company had gathered. The fifth Wren was in a cot, her burned face hidden in bandages, her hands outstretched to the sides of the blankets as if to steady herself. She had nice hands, small and well shaped. Boase had told him she cried a lot when the others were asleep, fearful of what her face would be like when the bandages came off.
All told there were only thirty survivors. From what he had gleaned Lindsay had discovered the ship had carried a company of one hundred and fifty as well as some forty Wrens en route for Canada.
He cleared his throat. ‘As you know, we have been ordered to proceed direct to Liverpool, where you will be landed and my ship can receive repairs.’
Lindsay looked slowly around the watching faces. The Wrens, their eyes just a bit too bright. Holding back the shock which would grow and sharpen as thankfulness for survival gave way to bitter memories for those who had died. The men, young and old alike, some offwhom had probably been bombed or torpedoed already in the war, watching him, recalling their own moments, like the ones when a motor boat had come out of the searchlight’s great beam to snatch them to safety.
He continued, ‘I have just received another signal from the Admiralty. The Japanese have invaded Malaya, and yesterday morning carried out an air attack on Pearl Harbour in the Pacific.’ He tried to smile as they stared at each other. ‘So the Americans are in the war with us. We’re not alone any more.’
He nodded to Boase. ‘I’ll leave you in peace now.’
Lindsay did not even know why he had come down to tell them the news. Boase could have done it. It was just as if he was still torturing himself by wanting to be near someone who had been with Eve when she had died. What did Malaya and Pearl Harbour mean to them at this moment anyway? The sea was all they understood now. During the night, before sleep relieved them, — they would be.thinking of it just beyond the sides of the hull. Waiting.
He recalled the atmosphere in the sickbay when Benbecula had sighted the second personnel ship two days after the attack. She had been edging through some drift ice, and her relief at seeing B enbecula’s recognition signals had been obvious to everyone aboard. Except here, in the sickbay. Was it that they felt cheated? Did they think it so cruelly unfair that their friends had been slaughtered while the other ship had escaped with little more than a bad scare? It was hard to tell.
The other ship had been ordered to Iceland and would be in Reykjavik by now with another escort. Benbecula had not been short of company either. As she turned and steamed south once more she had been watched by two long-range aircraft, as well as a destroyer on the far horizon. But it was all too late. And the evidence of it lay and sat around him listening to him as he said, ‘And remember, you’ll all be having Christmas at home.’ He turned to leave, the words coming back to mock him like a taunt. Christmas at home.
Something plucked at his jacket and when he looked down he saw it was the Wren’s hand, the girl with the burned face.
As he bent over the cot he heard her say, ‘Thank you for coming for us.’ He took her hand in his. It felt hot. She said, ‘I saw you when I was brought here. Just a few seconds.’
Boase shook his head. ‘That’s enough talking.’
But her voice had broken Lindsay’s careful guard like a dam bursting. Still holding her hand he asked gently, ‘Did you know Wren Collins? Eve Collins?’
‘I think so. I think I saw her by the lifeboats when She could not go on.
Lindsay released her hand and said, ‘Try and sleep.’ Then he swung round and hurried from the sickbay with its clean, pure smells and shocked minds.
He found Goss and Fraser waiting for him outside his day cabin. ‘Sorry you were kept so long.’ He could not look at them. ‘I just wanted to go over the docking arrangements at Liverpool.’ He remembered the other thing and added quietly, ‘By the way, Number One, you told me when I took command that one of Benbecula’s sister ships was an A.M.C. in the Far East.’
Goss watched him closely. ‘The old Barra, sir. That’s right.
‘Well, I’m afraid she’s been sunk by Jap bombers off Kuantan.’
He saw Goss’s face crumple and then return swiftly to the usual grim mask. ‘That’s bad news, sir.’ It was all he said.
Lindsay could feel the agony inside his skull crushing his mind so that he wanted to leave the others and hide in his sleeping cabin.
In a toneless voice he said, ‘Right then, we’ll start by discussing the fuel and ammunition. We must arrange to lighten ship as soon as we pick up the tugs.’
Fraser took out his notebook but kept his eyes on Lindsay’s face. You poor bastard, he thought. You keep fighting it and it’s tearing you apart. How much more can you take?
Goss was thinking about the Barra. He had been third officer in her so many years’ back. Her picture hung-in his cabin beside all the others. Now she was gone. He looked desperately around the cabin. Benbecula could go like that. In the twinkling of an eye-. Nothing.
Lindsay was saying, ‘And there’s the matter of leave. We should get both watches away for Christmas with any luck.’
Goss said, ‘I’d like to stay aboard, sir.’
Fraser looked at him. Oh God. Not you, too.
Lindsay made a note on, his pad. ‘Right then. Now about Number Two hold…’
In his pantry Jupp listened to the muted conversation and walked to a scuttle. Below on the promenade deck he saw a figure in a duffel coat walking slowly aft. He knew from the bandaged wrists it was Lieutenant Aikman. He saw two seamen turn to watch Aikman as he shambled unseeingly past them, and wondered how he would be able to survive after this.
He returned to his coffee pot and hoped Fraser at least would remain and talk with the captain. He had seen what the. girl’s death was doing to Lindsay and knew he must not be left alone. He had heard him whenever he had turned into his bunk, which was not often. Fighting his nightmares and calling her name like a lost soul in hell.
Whenever he was alone Lindsay seemed to be searching through his confidential books and intelligence logs, totally absorbed, his eyes filled with determination, the like of which Jupp had never seen.
Maybe when the ship was in dock the captain would ‘find some comfort at home. He frowned as he recalled hearing that Lindsay had no proper home to go to.