He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, yes, but even if you'd sat down and told me differently, I wouldn't have listened. Power masks a person from morality."
"That's because you have to become aware of the flawed epistemology. Even if you're on the bottom — like we were on Etaria — unilaterality still dominates us. The epistemoogy colors all our actions and behaviors. We look around n our misery and inhumanity and wonder how our society can be such a wretched pace. Then we curse Regans for being insensitive inflicters of pain. We consider them heartess human pollution that they should have so Httle respect tor the lives o ellow humans. We hate them. and, in so omg, fall prey to the unquestioned baeine assumptions which have spawned the epistemology in the first place. We lay the blame on the Empire and the monsters it breeds when the fallacious epistemology is at the heart of our mise. and theirs."
"Try telling that to Tybalt. He's really a reasonable sort,
more open to innovations and ideas, but I can tell you, he's not going to change the system that brought him to power."
"Power is a myth, Staffa, just like the man you thought you were. At the same time, it is a very powerful mythone that most everyone in our system believes. The Seddi, however, think it to be epistemological lunacy."
Staffa winced. "When you speak of it that way, it seems so clear. How come no one thought of this before?"
A wry smile crossed her lips and she leaned her head back. "Oh, they have. Do you think any government in its right mind would help promote such a notion? To do so is to attack the very basis of our civilization. You know the heads of both Sassan and Regan political power. Which one do you think would run out and immediately begin to preach the dissolution of unilaterality?"
Staffa, grunted. "They would consider it suicide."
"But who is really suicidal? Given the current unilater ality, aren't Rega and Sassa headed for a final cataclysmic annihilation?"
Staffa fingered his thick beard, frown lines etching his brow. "They are. It is inevitable under the present systems. I helped make them that way-trained them in the arts of devastation and shock attack. Put in the terms of unilaterality, I gave them the tools to commit suicide."
Kaylla filled her lungs and sighed. "What do you see happening in the end? Extinction? A dark age?"
Staffa shifted, easing his back against the unforgiving syaIon, feeling the acceleration suddenly diminish. "It depends on which way the Companions go."
"You are the Companions," Kaylla reminded harshly. The pride and excitement which had dominated her during the discussion on ethics had evaporated.
He stared into the upper corner of the grayness, feeling a slight tug of inertia. A familiar sensation, he knew what it meant: The freighter had changed attitude anticipatory to entering orbit. War-torn Targa must lie below.
"Originally, I had thought to side with Sassa. More was to be gained for the Companions by overthrowing Rega." "Why?"
Staffa noticed her disquiet and reached out a hand to gesture reassuringly. "It made unilateral epistemological sense. "
A flicker of interest stirred. "And now, Lord Commander?" He smiled wearily and shook his head. "Now, I don't
know, Kaylla Dawn." He motioned to the gray walls around them. "There is
no color here. No stimulus. The events beyond these gray walls are meaningless-have been since Nyklos sealed us in here. All of reality has become an abstraction. "
"And?" She chewed her lips, fully aware their vessel had established orbit. How long until they were unloaded and shipped downworld? "What fills your mind, Staffa?"
"Atonement. "
She studied him. "That bothered you long ago in the pipe. You still cry out in your dreams at night. Why do you wish to atone for what you've done? It won't make any difference to God-unless you believe like the Etarians that the Blessed Gods sit around and watch the actions of men."
"The atonement is for myself. For my peace of mindand through it, perhaps God's in the end. Perhaps that's the root of ethics, the need to accept responsibility for yourself?"
"Perhaps." She crossed her arms. "You will always be haunted, you know."
He massaged his eyes with thumb and forefinger. "I can bear the dreams now. I no longer need to destroy myself. I know what I did and why. I suppose God can bear my guilt. I'm not the first. How many people find such illumination?"
"Not many. One in a billion."
He thought for a moment before he said, "You were right when you said I wasn't going to like what I found. I still marvel at how cunning the Praetor was. His psychological conditioning was the work of a brilliant master. I was a construct-a true monster. A human artifact."
She reached for a nutrition bar. "I pity you." She carefully peeled the wrapper back, lost in thought. "Targa is in the middle of a war. Will you still try to find your son?"
"I have to." Images of blaster fire and rising columns of smoke in the distance drifted through his mind. "What will you tell your Seddi priest, Bruen, about me? He'll want a recommendation-just like Nyklos did."
"What do you want me to say? Here is Staffa kar Therma, the Star Butcher. He's a great guy! A good man
in the desert." She raised an eyebrow before inspecting the food bar, disgust reflected in the set of her mouth.
"You have your own ethical judgments to make. No matter what you decide about me, I'd like to talk to him. I have a proposition to make him concerning the future of the species, but first I want to take his measure."
Strong white teeth severed a bite from the soft bar. Kaylla chewed as she thought. "'I've agonized over what to tell Bruen during the entire trip." She cocked her head, brown hair tumbling. "Should I forgive you, Staffa kar Therma? Is that what you want to hear?"
"What I did to you cannot be forgiven. Not in this lifetime. Perhaps, when we are one with God again, I can live the horror I inflicted on you. And no, I'm not interested in masochism or the twisted purposes of self hate." His face lined and he gestured. "But I would like to understand what I did to you so I could share your burden, learn from my own actions. "
"Odd words from the Star Butcher."
He met her unflinching eyes. "I have a great deal of leverage with key people. Perhaps I can use that to advantage-make my own contribution to the destruction of unilaterality. "
"Tip the balance between Rega and Sassa?"
Staffa stood and stretched, feeling the change through his feet as the grav plates shifted under him. He pulled at his beard and flipped his long hair over his left shoulder. "No, humanity in Free Space needs something else. A new epistemology-a new direction." He slapped his palms on his legs as he paced the four meters to the end of the crate, mind racing. "You see, the Seddi are right. The epistemologies are flawed. Further, we've reached a critical stage. What I originally planned was to break Rega, then turn on Sassa,and take total control of Free Space. Then I could turn the entire resources of the system toward piercing the Forbidden Borders. Now I wonder what misery that would have caused in the process."
"That's precisely why we always hated and feared you." Kaylla ate the last of the bar and folded the wrapper, sticking it in the supply box. ")Vbat will you do?"
"How the hell do I know?" He squatted down to stare
into her eyes. "How can I plan until I see what's happened to humanity during these months?"
The crate shivered as the grapples let loose. Tractors pulled the crate onto skids. Curious fingers of fear tightened around his bowels as the crate slid into a shuttle berth. Kaylla stood and clipped the fading generator to the walls. Staffa began securing the loose items.
The shuttle bay doors clanged loudly, vibrations felt through the floor. Staffa grabbed a secure hold and settled into the corner opposite Kaylla.