‘Christ,’ said Billy to Rupert as the Professor nicked yet another of his cigarettes, ‘it’s like one of those terrible nightmares of being back at school. Who is this fink on my right who talks like a British Telecom technical manual?’
‘Professor Graystock,’ said Rupert. ‘Declan brought him in. He’s a disgrace.’
‘We’ll have another half-hour session,’ said Hardy Bissett. ‘Then we’ll have a drink.’ He turned to Freddie. ‘Mr Jones, how did the idea for Venturer originate?’
Freddie scratched his curls.
‘Well, it was like this, Rupert an’ me ’ad both ’ad an up-and-downer wiv Tony Baddingham over different fings. Declan was having a rough time of it. Tony’s a fug, make no bones abart it, got a board made up of professional accountants, who use profits for anyfing other than making programmes; won’t take risks; that’s why their share of the ratings is dropping. Anyway, Declan ’ad a barney wiv him and walked out. Rupe and I both fink Declan’s terrific; he’s a real man of stature; could become the Lord Reef of ITV, so we decided to pitch for the franchise.
‘We all live in the area,’ he went on. ‘Rupe’s lived there all ’is life. Declan, Cameron and I are comparative newcomers, more like Cafflic converts, so we love it wiv a passion, and we just feel it’s being shabbily represented by Corinium.’
‘Well done,’ said Rupert. But once again the Professor and the Bishop exchanged pained glances.
After that Harold White and Cameron were both excellent on programme plans, Georgie was brilliant on advertising, and Seb marvellously bitchy about the newsroom and ‘Cotswold Round-Up’. But at the end Hardy Bissett was just as scathing.
‘Look at you,’ he said mockingly, ‘cringing on the back of your seats trying to make yourself invisible to an examiner who might ask you the awkward question. You’ve got to sit forward, be eager and positive, bursting with enthusiasm.’
‘Gimme a drink, then,’ murmured Billy.
‘But it was better than last time,’ went on Hardy. ‘You’ve got just over a month to get your act together, and if we keep going over the same ground night after night — ’ Billy and Rupert exchanged looks of horror; Freddie glanced at his watch — ‘you’re bound to improve. It’s obvious our moles won’t be able to make every evening. But I’m glad to say most of them, not all — ’ Hardy glared pointedly at Billy — ‘acquitted themselves well and are obviously less in need of coaching than the rest of you. I congratulate you, Declan, on your poaching skills. Just don’t get rumbled, any of you, between now and December.’
When they’d all got drinks, Declan gave them a brief progress report. ‘You needn’t be too disheartened by our abysmal showing today. Elsewhere things are looking good. The most dramatic bit of news is that Mid-West have pulled out. They can’t raise the cash evidently, so their Geography master will probably never get to London now.’ He grinned. ‘This means it’s a two-horse race — just us and Corinium.’
Everyone was wildly excited by this information, except Rupert. Two two the rivals now, he thought bitterly. Why did everything remind him of Taggie?
‘I’ve also heard off the record that the IBA have had at least three thousand letters from local organizations pledging their support for Venturer,’ Declan went on. ‘Tony was also supposed to appear on a programme on Radio Cotchester this week, with me and the West of England man from the IBA, but he’s backed off because he claims a programme interspersed with pop records is not the right vehicle for serious discussion, i.e., he’s got cold feet.
‘The story’s been leaked to tomorrow’s papers. Finally Ladbroke’s make us five to four on today, so we’re on our way.’
‘So am I,’ said Freddie, going towards the door.
Rupert followed him. ‘Where are you going?’
‘To a meetin’,’ said Freddie, looking shifty.
‘With Mrs Vereker?’ said Rupert. ‘For Christ’s sake be careful. Sarah Stratton rolled up at my house in hysterics the other day, saying James had been told to back off and concentrate on Lizzie, as they’re going to make this marriage series together.’
‘I know,’ said Freddie. ‘Makes fings very difficult. That’s why Lizzie and me’s meeting up here.’
‘It’s a bloody good story,’ said Rupert. ‘Corinium presenter ordered to give up his presenter mistress and concentrate on his wife in order to win franchise. The Scorpion would adore it.’
‘No!’ said Freddie, appalled. ‘It’d hurt Lizzie, and hurt her kids to have their father’s name plastered all over the papers.’
‘Frederick, dear,’ said Rupert patiently, ‘it’s a good story, I said. It’ll discredit Corinium and make a complete mockery of the marriage programme if everyone knows it’s a sham. D’you want to win this franchise or not?’
Freddie shook his head stubbornly. ‘Not if it ’urts Lizzie. Anyway, you’re barking up the wrong tree, mate. Fact that Tony’s told James to drop his mistress and concentrate on making his marriage work will only score Brownie points with the IBA. Besides, if the papers start sniffin’ round James, they might easily cotton on to Lizzie and me.’
Rupert sighed. ‘If Declan and I can behave ourselves, I can’t think why you can’t.’
As soon as Freddie had gone, the Bishop and the Professor, who was clutching a huge whisky in one hand and a vast plate of smoked salmon sandwiches in the other, closed in on Rupert.
‘Could we have a word?’ said the Bishop.
‘We’re a bit concerned about Freddie Jones,’ said the Professor with his mouth full.
‘Charming chap, of course,’ said the Bishop smoothly. ‘Definitely one of nature’s gentlemen, but a little bit of a rough diamond.’
‘Rough diamonds are a consortium’s best friend,’ said Rupert lightly, but there was a deterrent steeliness about his eyes.
‘Ha, ha,’ said the Bishop heartily. ‘However, as I was saying, Crispin Graystock knows several members of the IBA who we’ll be meeting on the 29th. I myself am not unfamiliar with quite a few of them either. Mrs Menzies-Scott is an old friend, and of course I’ve exchanged views with the Prebendary. We just feel that Freddie Jones is not quite the right vehicle to put Venturer’s message across.’
‘What d’you mean, vehicle?’ snapped Rupert. ‘Freddie’s not a van!’
‘Well, someone who talks about Lord Reef and Cafflic converts and refers to Tony Baddingham as “a fug” — ’ delicately the Professor mimicked Freddie’s accent — ‘and extols the joys of “miking vast sums of money”, will hardly go down very well with the IBA.’
‘To be frank,’ said the Bishop, ‘poor Freddie can hardly string a sentence together.’
‘Freddie is a star,’ said Rupert furiously. ‘He’s far the most genuine person Venturer’s got. He runs one of the most successful companies in the country and he’s got the common touch.’
‘A very common touch,’ said the Professor, stuffing two more sandwiches into his face and gargling them down with a huge slug of whisky.
‘All we’re suggesting,’ said the Bishop soothingly, ‘is that Freddie Jones may be very much at home on the shop floor, with businessmen, even with the press, but not with the clergymen, academics, ladies of the Women’s Institute and senior statesmen he’s going to encounter on the 29th.’
‘We feel very strongly that he should stick to technical specifications, take more of a back seat and perhaps take a few elocution lessons,’ added the Professor.
‘I know an ex-actor who lives in Will-is-den,’ said the Bishop, taking Rupert’s stunned silence as assent, ‘who’s worked absolute miracles with somewhat — er — provincial young curates, who have difficulty taking services and giving sermons.’