ROS: Cheating!
GUIL: How?
ROS: I hadn't started yet.
GUIL: Statement. Two-love
ROS: Are you counting that?
GUIL: What?
ROS: Are you counting that?
GUIL: Foul! No repetitions Three-love First game to...
ROS: I'm not going to play if you're going to be like that.
GUIL: Whose serve?
ROS: Hah?
GUIL: Foul! No grunts. Love-one.
ROS: Whose go?
GUIL: Why?
ROS: Why not?
GUIL: What for?
ROS. Foul! No synonyms! One-all.
GUIL: What in God's name is going on?
ROS: Foul! No rhetoric. Two-one.
GUIL: What does it all add up to?
ROS: Can't you guess?
GUIL: Were You addressing me?
ROS: Is there anyone else?
GUIL: Who?
ROS How Would I know?
GUIL: Why do you ask?
ROS: Are you serious?
GUIL: Was that rhetoric?
ROS: No.
GUIL: Statement! Two-all. Game point.
ROS: What's the matter with you today?
GUIL: When?
ROS: What?
GUIL: Are you deaf?
ROS: Am I dead?
GUIL: Yes or no
ROS: Is there a choice?
GUIL: Is there a God?
ROS: Foul! No non sequiturs,
GUIL: ( seriously): What's your name?
ROS: What's yours?
GUIL: I asked you first.
ROS: Statement. One-love.
GUIL: What's your name when you're at home?
ROS: What's yours?
GUIL: When I'm at home?
ROS: Is it different at home?
GUIL: What home?
ROS: Haven't you got one?
GUIL: Why do you ask?
ROS: What are you driving at?
GUIL ( with emphasis): What's your name?!
ROS: Repetition. Two-love. Match point to me.
GUIL ( seizing him violently): WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
ROS: Rhetoric! Game and match! ( Pause. ) Where's it going to end?
GUIL: That's the question.
ROS: It's all questions.
GUIL: Do you think it matters?
ROS: Doesn't it matter to you?
GUIL: Why should it matter?
ROS: What does it matter why?
GUIL ( teasing gently): Doesn't it matter why it matters?
ROS ( rounding on him): What's the matter with you?
Pause.
GUIL: It doesn't matter.
ROS ( voice in the wilderness):... What's the game?
GUIL: What are the rules?
Enter HAMLET behind, crossing the stage, reading a book---as he is about to disappear GUIL notices him.
GUIL ( sharply): Rosencrantz!
ROS ( jumps): What!
HAMLET goes. Triumph dawns on them, they smile.
GUIL: There! How was that?
ROS: Clever!
GUIL: Natural?
ROS: Instinctive.
GUIL: Got it in your head?
ROS: I take my hat off to you.
GUIL: Shake hands.
They do.
ROS: Now I'll try you---GUIL---!
GUIL: ---Not yet---catch me unawares.
ROS: Right.
They separate. Pause. Aside to GUIL .
Ready?
GUIL ( explodes): Don't be stupid.
ROS: Sorry.
Pause.
GUIL ( snaps): Guildenstern!
ROS ( jumps): What?
He is immediately crestfallen, GUIL is disgusted.
GUIL: Consistency is all I ask!
ROS ( quietly): Immortality is all I seek...
GUIL ( dying fall): Give us this day our daily week...
Beat.
ROS: Who was that?
GUIL: Didn't you know him?
ROS: He didn't know me.
GUIL: He didn't see you.
ROS: I didn't see him.
GUIL: We shall see. I hardly knew him, he's changed.
ROS: You could see that?
GUIL: Transformed.
ROS: How do you know?
GUIL: Inside and out.
ROS: I see.
GUIL: He's not himself.
ROS: He's changed.
GUIL: I could see that.
Beat.
Glean what afflicts him.
ROS: Me?
GUIL: Him.
ROS: How?
GUIL: Question and answer. Old ways are the best ways.
ROS: He's afflicted.
GUIL: You question, I'll answer.
ROS: He's not himself, you know.
GUIL: I'm him, you see.
Beat.
ROS: Who am I then?
GUIL: You're yourself.
ROS: And he's you?
GUIL: Not a bit of it.
ROS: Are you afflicted?
GUIL: That's the idea. Are you ready?
ROS: Let's go back a bit.
GUIL: I'm afflicted.
ROS: I see.
GUIL: Glean what afflicts me.
ROS: Right.
GUIL: Question and answer.
ROS: How should I begin?
GUIL: Address me.
ROS: My dear Guildenstern!
GUIL: ( quietly): You've forgotten---haven't you?
ROS: My dear Rosencrantz!
GUIL: ( great control): I don't think you quite understand. we are attempting is a hypothesis in which I answer him, while you ask me questions.
ROS: Ah! Ready?
GUIL: You know what to do?
ROS: What?
GUIL: Are you stupid?
ROS: Pardon?
GUIL: Are you deaf?
ROS: Did you speak?
GUIL ( admonishing): Not now---
ROS: Statement.
GUIL ( shouts): Not now! ( Pause. ) If I had any doubts, or rather hopes, they are dispelled.
What could we possibly have in common except our situation? ( They separate and sit. ) Perhaps he'll come back this way.
ROS: Should we go?
GUIL: Why?
Pause.
ROS ( starts up. Snaps fingers): Oh! You mean-you pretend to be him, and I ask you questions!
GUIL ( dry): Very good.
ROS: You had me confused.
GUIL: I could see I had.
ROS: How should I begin?
GUIL: Address me. They stand and face each other, posing.
ROS: My honoured Lord!
GUIL: My dear Rosencrantz!
Pause.
ROS: Am I pretending to be you, then?
GUIL: Certainly not. If you like. Shall we continue?
ROS: Question and answer.
GUIL: Right.
ROS: Right. My honoured lord!
GUIL: My dear fellow!
ROS: How are you?
GUIL: Afflicted!
ROS: Really? In what way?
GUIL: Transformed.
ROS: Inside or out?
GUIL: Both.
ROS: I see. ( Pause. ) Not much new there.
GUIL: Go into details. Delve. Probe the background, establish the situation.
ROS: So---so your uncle is the king of Denmark?!
GUIL: And my father before him.
ROS: His father before him?
GUIL: No, my father before him.
ROS: But surely---
GUIL: You might well ask.
ROS: Let me get it straight. Your father was king. You were his only son. Your father dies.
You are of age. Your uncle becomes king.
GUIL: Yes.
ROS: Unorthodox.
GUIL: Undid me.
ROS: Undeniable. Where were you?
GUIL: In Germany.
ROS: Usurpation, then.
GUIL: He slipped in.