Never in my life had I wanted to punch my father so hard.
“Don’t say that about her,” I fired back. “You don’t know her like I do.”
“Young love.” My dad shook his head. “Don’t you get it, Wes? It’s not about her. I worry about you. I worry she’s going to break your heart. I worry, I worry, I worry. I can’t lose both sons.” His voice broke. “I’ve lost everything. It would kill me to lose you too. Your focus — it needs to be on getting better, not losing yourself in her. Have you even taken your meds today?”
My last pill burned a hole the size of Texas in my pocket. I nodded jerkily and then shrugged. “I have my last pill for the weekend, and then I start the final set Monday.”
Dad sighed. “Just, don’t let her get in the way of your progress, son. You need to live, I can’t—” His voice broke again.
“You have to come to grips with something, Dad,” I said in a thick voice. “I may not live.”
“No, don’t say that. I refuse to believe it. The doctors said—”
“The doctors said there was a chance I’d be fine. The doctors also haven’t worked with this aggressive of a tumor before. It may be too late already. Okay? Just… don’t put all this pressure on me to live — when my reality may be the exact opposite. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll fight hard as hell to stay here as long as I can, but don’t burden me with guilt — if fighting still isn’t enough.”
The room was blanketed in a tense silence. Then I saw my dad do something I hadn’t seen him do since Tye’s death. He fell into a heap on his chair and burst into tears. Shoulders shaking, the sobs coming from his mouth were heart-wrenching. My gut twisted as I made my way over to him and put my hands on his shoulders.
He gripped my hands and continued to sob. “It isn’t fair.”
“Cancer’s rarely fair,” I mumbled. “And we were never promised life would be fair.”
“It should be.”
“Dad.” My voice croaked. “Life isn’t fair, but living? Living is heaven. Living is a gift. Every gift is different — every path is different — for some reason this is ours, and the sooner we accept it, the sooner we can stop crying and start living.”
“When did you get so smart?” He laughed through his tears.
“All that damn therapy you made me go through — and sometimes, Dad, it takes going through hell to reach your heaven.” I looked at the door.
“That bad huh?”
“What?”
“You like her that much?”
“No.” I swallowed. “I love her.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Little by little I was beginning to live for his smiles, his touch, just anything. Heck, if he waved, my heart would still be doing somersaults.
Kiersten
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” I grumbled, dropping my bathing suit bottoms to the ground and clenching my eyes shut. Brave. I needed to be brave.
“I’m not stealing your virtue, so don’t worry about that.” Wes chuckled from the pool as he splashed around. “And I’m going to turn away while you slowly ascend the stairs. Though I’m not gonna lie, I have a very vivid imagination, so while you get into the pool I’ll be daydreaming.”
“Not creepy,” I joked.
“Not creepy at all. Beautiful, it’s damn beautiful.”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, started early,” he called. “Now hurry up!”
“Shit.”
“Aw, Lamb said a dirty word,” Wes teased. “Stepping out of your comfort zone makes you such a bad girl.”
“Okay, I’m getting in.”
“Turning.” I heard water splashing as I walked over to the edge and dropped my towel. The moon outlined Wes’s body perfectly. His sculpted back was what every single love song was talking about — his body was what leading men fought for. Beautiful, the water lapped around his waist. I looked lower. Fantastic. Well, the water wouldn’t be leaving a ton of things to the imagination if I was standing directly under the moon. Just to be safe, I walked along the edge of the pool and got in where the moon had cast a shadow. I wasn’t taking any chances that Wes would see me, not that I was ashamed of my body or anything. But yeah, it was a little much, being naked in a pool with another person. It could have been Lisa, and I would have still been freaked.
The warm water felt good against my body. I was more nervous than before, everything seemed more alive, more sensitive. I slowly walked to where Wes was standing and hunched down so that the water was on my shoulders. Not only was I conquering my fear of being in the water again for the second time in one day, but I was wearing absolutely nothing.
“How’s the birthday suit feel?” he asked without looking at me.
“Weird.”
“You’ll get used to it.” He shrugged and turned. I held my breath.
“Why aren’t you breathing?”
I exhaled.
“You that scared still?” he asked, concern marring his features.
“Of the water?” I looked around. “A bit. Of you? A lot.”
“Want me to tell you embarrassing stories about myself so that there isn’t an ounce of attraction left between us? I mean, I’ll do it if I have to. I don’t want to but—”
Laughing, I waited.
“Fine. When I was ten I jumped off our roof and tried to fly. I landed in the pool, so it wasn’t that big of a deal and my dad saw the whole thing. My brother dared me to do it. He also dared me to eat a fly.”
“Did you?”
“What?”
“Eat a fly?”
“I ate two. He said the first one wasn’t big enough, so he picked out another.”
“Wow.” I gripped his hand in mine, still feeling a little nervous. “Sounds like you were picked on a bit for being the older brother.”
“A lot. I was picked on a lot, but I’d do it all again if—” His voice cracked. “If I could have one more chance to tell him I love him.”
I released his hand and pressed my fingers against his back, rubbing back and forth, trying to offer him comfort even though I didn’t have the right words to say.
“It’s why I wanted you to come… I mean, initially. You make me feel strong… Crazy, right? He killed himself on Black Friday — the day has double meaning for me. Sometimes I wonder if he did it on purpose. If he chose that day because it had the word black in it, or if he chose that day because it was my mom’s birthday, and she had already been dead in the ground for a few years. I’ll never know, I guess.”
“Wow,” I breathed. “Black Friday sucks for you.”
He laughed. “You could say that again. Granted, it’s not always on Black Friday, but the day he killed himself just happened to be that day, so regardless of if the actual date is off by a week or so — I still hate it.”
“Thank you, for trusting me with all of this.” I pulled him in for a hug without even thinking. Our bodies may as well have erupted with heat the minute they touched. We fit. Every single part fit. I looked into his eyes and knew, this was the guy — he was the one I wanted to spend my every waking moment with. He was my forever.
“Thank you for agreeing to come — and for being my girlfriend. I don’t feel like I deserve you — or that I deserve this.” Our fingers interlocked as he pulled me tighter against him. “Hell, I know I don’t deserve this.”
“Life isn’t about deserving.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “Aren’t you the one always spouting all that wisdom?”
He grinned.
“If we wait until we’re deserving, we’re going to be waiting for a really long time.” I shrugged. “I’d rather appreciate the fact that I’ll never deserve anything — doesn’t make me a bad person, just makes me all the more thankful.”
“Then that’s what I am,” Wes whispered. “I’m thankful for you. I thank God for you. Maybe He can see me after all.” He tilted his face toward the sky. “In this moment I can believe He cares.”