Meng had no response. Saying she was sleepy, she sent him out of her bedroom; he had no choice but to walk out with an awkward smile. The old lady was sitting in the living room. “What were you talking about, all that whispering and chattering? My hearing is terrible, and all I heard was that someone was lost.”
“It’s better to have bad hearing, Aunty, and even better not to be too clear-headed. It’s Tang Wan’er. She has disappeared. Do you remember her, Zhou Min’s woman? She’s been gone several days now.”
“I’ve always said you must hold your shoes in your arms when you sleep, but no one listens. See, now Tang Wan’er has gone missing. What matters most to a woman are her shoes. What kind of shoes was she wearing when she disappeared?”
“I heard she was wearing a pair of black heels.”
“Mother, you’re talking too much,” Niu Yueqing said from her bedroom.
“Well, I’ll be going.” Meng laughed as he walked out.
When Meng was gone, Niu Yueqing thought about their conversation and wondered if she ought to forgive Zhuang this time, now that Tang Wan’er was gone. But on second thought, she knew he was obviously unhappy with her and would surely stay away after what she had written in the letter and what she had said to Meng. So even if Tang Wan’er was gone, there was no guarantee he would not have a Zhang Wan’er or a Li Wan’er. If that turned out to be the case, then better to suffer the short-term pain and get it over with. Gritting her teeth and steeling her heart, she still could not fathom why he was unhappy with her. Had she ever been unfaithful? Hadn’t she treated him well enough? She could only conclude that he was not the same Zhuang Zhidie anymore, and she was destined to live a life of misery.
For the next few days, Meng returned every day, followed by Zhao Jingwu and Wang Ximian and his wife. They were all there to try to talk her around. It would have been fine if Zhuang had come in person to apologize and admit guilt; it would also have been fine if their friends and acquaintances had stayed out of it. But the fact was, Zhuang was nowhere in sight, while their friends were taking turns coming to pressure her. As someone who had never enjoyed being mollified, she found their visits increasingly annoying, which made her hold more firmly to her views, and eventually she refused to see anyone. After losing her appetite and sleeping badly for a few days, she was visibly thinner and her hair was falling out in clumps. Every morning when she looked at herself in the mirror, she was worried that the second half of her life would be even worse if she kept losing hair until she was bald. One day when she was feeling despondent, she recalled Huiming at the Clear Void Nunnery. She went there in the afternoon as flocks of birds and a fiery red sun hung over the city.
A sheet of red paper was pasted on the entrance: The Yankou Incantation will be recited on the first of the month, with the following lines: Rid the living of illness and calamities extend their life span bring them happiness good fortune and peace… help the deceased escape suffering in hell and reach Nirvana. Niu Yueqing had no idea what the Yankou was, but she walked in anyway. She was greeted by the sounds of Buddhist instruments in Guanyin Hall, but instead of going in for a look, she headed for a small garden to the right and pushed open the gate. Huiming was sitting in there rubbing some medicinal lotion on her head, which was very round, sparsely dotted with hair. When she saw Yueqing, she offered her a seat as she continued to rub in the lotion.
“What kind of magic is that?” Niu Yueqing asked.
“Hair-growing magic.”
“Hair-growing magic?” Niu Yueqing was intrigued. “But every nun has to shave her head. Why are you doing that?”
“We’ve known each other for some time, so I’ll honest with you. Yes, every nun has to shave her head, but I was the opposite; I became a nun because I had no hair. I had a full head of thick hair until I was eighteen, but I lost every strand that summer. A hairless woman is not a woman at all, so I avoided going out for six months before finally deciding to become a nun at Mount Zhongnan. Then I attended a Buddhist college. But now I want hair; I want hair to grow on my head so I can shave it off. This hair-growth lotion comes from Beijing and is very effective.”
“I wish my hair would shed overnight and I could become a nun here.”
“Even if you went completely bald, at most you’d be like me when I first became a nun. Whether as a nun or not, women are just women and can’t live without men. How can women stay away from men? When a farmer harvests the wheat, he has to collect the stalks, and even an emperor can’t avoid finding fleas in his dragon robe.”
“That’s true.”
“You must find it odd to see a nun using a hair-growth product. But I find it strange that you’re here. Zhuang Laoshi is not just anybody, so how could you, of all people, have worries?”
Two teardrops snaked down her face, but Niu Yueqing refused to open up, so Huiming decided not to press her. Instead, she made a pot of tea to share with Niu Yueqing before walking her out to the main entrance, where they bade one another farewell.
Niu Yueqing returned to the nunnery three days later. Huiming was sitting in bed. “I knew you’d be back,” she said. “I called Meng Yunfang and asked about you. He was upset and asked me to talk you around. But I won’t do that. It doesn’t matter to me whether you’re here to become a nun or simply to find some peace. To each her own, and it would be useless for me to say anything to try to change your mind. But I can tell you that you are the only one who can find relief for yourself. When I first became a nun, I thought I’d find peace in everything. Then I realized that not every woman can be a nun; if that were case, then a nunnery would be nothing but a refuge, and the sacred purity of the Buddha would not be able to shine through. I do understand what’s on men’s minds. It’s their nature to prefer the new over the old and to be fickle, but this is still a man’s world. Women are like children: Adults play with them when they’re happy, because they want to share that happiness with them. Or they scold them when they’re unhappy, treating them as a diversion, because they want them to share in their misery. They say that women hold up half the sky and can do whatever they want, like soar into the sky or bore down into the earth, but how many women can actually do that? Stores all over town sell women’s clothes and cosmetics, and it appears that all of society is waiting on women. But for what? To make women beautiful for men to appreciate and enjoy. In a world dominated by men, women must accept that reality while learning to live well. The single woman must make sure she is well liked, while the married one seeks to sustain her husband’s love. So women have to constantly make adjustments, enrich and reshape themselves, so they can maintain the impression that they never have to worry about their appearance. If one tries to please a man with her looks, she must know that her beauty will fade as time passes. Besides, there are many types of beauty out there, and how do you expect to satisfy a man’s insatiable appetite? If your life revolves around a man, then he will become your everything, which can only lead to a terrible life until you’re tossed aside. Confucius once said that it’s hard to deal with women and petty people, but in fact men are the hard ones to deal with. You can’t be too far from him, but he will become annoyed when you’re too close. A woman must learn to keep the proper distance when dealing with a man, slipping away like an eel in his hand. If you’re like a melon seed that teases the taste buds without filling him up, then he will be enamored and boldly chase after you. So a woman must live for herself, enjoying a life filled with vigor and excitement. Then she will truly know how to live in a man’s world.”