“Three months in jail?” I said. I didn’t like it. I have been to a lot of ugly places in my life, but jail was about the ugliest.
“I can do three months,” said Sammy.
“There is something else,” said the lawyer. “I see you were arrested with Ryan Hall. In his apartment. Do you live there?”
“Sort of,” he said. “But I’m not on the lease or anything.”
“Okay, that might help you. I’m guessing the prosecutor hasn’t looked too hard at the file yet, but I think I’m likely to hear from him about this. Here’s the thing: If the drugs and the gun you had on you weren’t yours. If they belonged to the Halls, say…”
“You want me to snitch on the Halls?”
“I’m not saying one way or the other,” said the lawyer. “I’m saying it may be an option.”
“You’re the lawyer,” I said. “What do you think he should do?”
“It’s up to you.”
“I’m not going to get Ryan in more trouble,” said Sammy. “I can do three months.”
And that was that. Sammy stayed by us in New Paltz until his court date. He rarely left the house, and spent most of his time asleep or on the phone with Ryan. God knows what they were talking about.
Pessie came to visit several times, but Sammy did not want to spend much time with her. Like me, Pessie had been worried about Sammy’s new life, but unlike me she seemed confident he would come to his senses. I had always liked Pessie, and as she got older, I liked her even more. I had never met anyone like her. She loved Sammy no matter what he did. She even liked me, despite the fact that I represented everything she was supposed to be afraid of: alone, unpious. Sammy was always trying to get her to leave the community, but she did not want to. She said she loved Hashem. She said that Jews needed to be strong to survive and that our strength came from unity. She said she was doing her part. But I do not think it was easy. She defended the community when Sammy made blanket statements about how evil and corrupt everyone was, and I imagine that, occasionally, she defended those of us gone off the derech when her friends in Roseville called us crazy. She told me that as more people went OTD there was opportunity to merge the interests of the two communities. She said one of her friends started a group for people whose family members had left and she hoped she could help with that.
But once we learned Sammy was going to jail, I began to see that she wasn’t as certain about her future as she pretended. One afternoon, she came over with a chulent and Sammy wouldn’t come out of his room to see her, so she and I ate together in the kitchen. She told me that there was a man from Israel who wished to marry her.
“Do you like him?” I asked.
“He is very nice. Not too old.” Pessie paused. “Did you know your husband in Israel for long before you married?”
I shook my head and told her the story about Etan: that he was related to the man and woman that lived down the hall from my aunt and uncle in Jerusalem. He came to Shabbos dinner at their apartment one Friday and I happened to be there. He asked after me and we met again, more formally. My aunt and uncle did not mention that I had been off the derech for more than a year as a teenager, and his family did not ask.
“Did you tell him later?” asked Pessie.
I shook my head. “Why should I?”
“So he would know you?”
I remember being puzzled by what she said. It had not ever really seemed possible that Etan would know me.
“Do you think that if you had told him about Florida and Rebekah that things might have been different?”
“I don’t know,” I said, and I didn’t. “I think the way things turned out was probably for the best.”
“Did you love him?”
I almost lied, but Pessie deserved the truth. “No,” I said. “But I liked him. Most of the time. I think maybe love is…” Love is, what? I never saw anything that looked like love between my parents. They did not kiss or hug or hold hands. They did not say, “I love you.” But I think they had a good marriage. As good as any I’ve seen.
“I always thought I would be Sammy’s wife,” she said. “I know I am not supposed to want so much. But when I imagined being married, and having children, I imagined being with Sammy. And it seemed like fun.” She shook her head and bent forward to sip her tea. “It feels very different now.”
Isaac and I both went to the courthouse in Catskill for Sammy’s sentencing. For some reason, I kept thinking my father might appear. Part of me wished that he knew what was happening with Sammy, although I know Sammy would not have wanted him to. He hates my father-who was more like a distant uncle to him than a real father-and I could tell, as he stood there in Isaac’s too-big suit coat, shoulders bent before the judge, that Sammy was scared. He, too, had failed at life outside the shtetl and he would never want my father to see him fallen this low. I knew the feeling and it broke my heart.
I wrote him a letter every few days. He wrote me back only once. Nobody called me when he was in the infirmary. And nobody called when he stabbed the black man.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I leave Kaitlyn around 5:00 P.M. and drive south toward the New Paltz address from the library, my heart beating in my teeth. A sister in New Paltz. It has to be Aviva, right?
Saul doesn’t answer his phone when I call, so I leave a message: “I think I might have found her! I talked to somebody who said Sam had a sister in New Paltz. And there was a New Paltz address on the backgrounder the library gave me. I’m going there now! Call me!”
The evening sky is the color of Orange Crush as I turn onto West Pine Street. Number 781 is a two-story yellow house with a driveway leading to a small shed in the back. I pull in and turn off the engine. Breathe in. Breathe out. The house is dark. A wind chime trills in one of the trees in the yard. Someone has draped a kind of black netting over bushes along the front of the house, protecting them from winter, I assume. It does not appear that anyone is home, but I knock anyway. I knock again. The curtains are drawn in the two first-floor windows. The street is quiet, a few lights on in the nearby houses, but almost no one out walking, which means no one to get suspicious if I sneak around the side yard. Which I do. There are still patches of snow on the lawn and ice in the corners of the small deck attached to the back of the house. I climb up three steps to a door with a window, cup my hands around my face, and look into the kitchen. I can’t make out much beyond the lines of the counters and a glowing clock on the microwave. There are papers and magnets on the refrigerator but I can’t tell what they say. Does she live here? I try the door, but it’s locked. What would I have done if it wasn’t? Walk in and crawl in her bed? Wait for Mommy to come home?
I go back to Saul’s car and turn on the engine. She is bound to be home soon. After about ten minutes, Nechemaya calls.
“Pessie’s neighbors do not wish to be in the newspaper. They are concerned that whoever did this might target them.”
“Okay,” I say. “But I don’t know if my editor is going to let me stay on the story if no one from the community is willing to go on the record.”
“I understand,” he says. “I am doing what I can.”
I pull out my notebook and open my laptop to transcribe what Kaitlyn told me. I’ve already missed the deadline for tomorrow’s paper, so I decide not to e-mail Larry with my new information about Pessie coming to Sam’s welcome home party. Instead, I click into an open Wi-Fi network (gotta love a college town) and Google “Conrad Hall.” The first few results are contact listings that refer me to the property in Greenville, but at the bottom of the page a 2011 article from the Albany Times-Union pops up.