“I do believe in it. I just have a hard time with the forever part.”
“You are a piece of work, Natalie Sullivan.”
“Why am I a piece of work? Just because I have a different opinion than you?” I waved my hands. “How did we even get to this conversation?”
“If you love someone, you make it work.”
“You can’t just magically make something work. And how do you even know? Have you ever seen love work for decades? Because I haven’t!”
We stared at each other. My heart pounded and I felt awful and sick and horrible, but it was true. And I didn’t know why it should matter to both of us so much, this far off concept, this abstract emotion, but it was clear that it mattered to both of us, and desperately.
We turned away at the same time. I wondered if we’d broken something.
The inn was in sight. We walked up to our floor, silent, and turned away at our separate doors.
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, I found Lauren and Anna poking at a half disintegrated brick of grain flakes with their spoons. Anna pointed hers at me. “Yo. World traveler. What the hell is this?”
I peered into their bowl at the soggy mess. “Um.”
Lauren forlornly settled her chin her hands. “I just wanted cereal.”
“Seriously.” Anna rocked her chair back on two feet. “They have Domino’s and McDonald’s here. Well, not here here, but in Cork. Why can’t they have Honey Nut Cheerios?”
Lauren took a very tentative bite, and swallowed exaggeratedly. “It’s like—either throat scrapingly dry or super mushy grain flakes.”
Do not make a Lucky Charms and Ireland joke. Do. Not. Do it.
Anna rolled her eyes. “They could at least have Lucky Charms.”
“That’s what I was thinking!” Lauren and I shouted at the same time.
Mike came in as we were laughing, and looked at us like we were crazy. I froze. He shook his head, picked up a banana and frowned at the grains, and then made to walk out.
“Hey.” Lauren’s voice stopped him. “I found us a tour to go on. It’s three nights—takes us up to the Ring of Kerry and the Cliffs of Moher and all that good stuff.” She glanced at me uncertainly. “I don’t know what your schedule looks like—if you could take Friday off we could wait until next weekend—”
“It’s okay,” I said quickly. “The dig’s just starting in earnest. I’ll need to be here.”
“Why don’t we go now?” Mike sounded almost emotionless. I searched his face, but he’d entirely closed himself off. At least he didn’t insult me by pulling on the charming mask. “That’d be better timing for me, since I have to go back to New York this weekend.”
It felt like he’d ripped my guts out of me. “Wait, what?”
“It’s the veterans’ minicamp.” His eyes caught mine and a slow flicker warmed his face. “Why, you going to miss me?”
Relief flooded the sudden hole in my stomach. He’d be back. “I...”
He finished the banana and tossed the peel in the trash. “Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone.” He headed out.
We all stared after him, then Anna glared at me accusingly. “You guys had a fight.”
“Um. Well. Just a...little...” If I kept spacing my words farther and farther apart, I’d never have to finish, right? An asymptotic sentence.
Lauren pressed the heel of her hand against her eye. “What’d he do?”
I felt my cheeks warming. “Did he say anything to you?”
“Only that he didn’t want to talk about it. And—um—” She glanced at her little sister.
“Jesus.” Anna rolled her eyes. “I promise not to faint at whatever scandalous news you have.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Well, it’s none of your business either, but you still know.”
I raised a hand, curiosity beating out embarrassment. “It’s fine. What did he say?”
“Well.” Lauren still obviously didn’t want to say much. “It was sort of confusing. But maybe that you’re hung up on your professor.”
Anna’s brows shot up, just like her brother’s. “What, the old guy?”
“He’s not that old.”
Lauren’s eyes caught mine, and I made a face. “And no, I’m not, and that’s not what we argued about.”
Anna just scoffed. “It’s totally ridiculous anyway. But it’s probably good to make Mike worry a little. He’s way too sure of himself.”
Obviously a family trait. “I should head out. Work to do.”
“Wait.” Anna bolted to her feet. “I’m coming with, just let me grab my stuff.” She was out the door.
Lauren raised her brows. “You’re going without eating?”
“Well.” I gestured at the soggy mess. “I have a banana and sandwich in my bag.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Uh-huh!” And then I fled too.
I stayed in a mood all week.
This sucked. The O’Connors were off touring Ireland, and even if Lauren had been here, she wasn’t exactly prime material for discussing my romance problems. Cam was in California for a conference, which meant the sun always set on the Camille-Natalie Empire. I shot her off an email that night, after a fairly cool goodbye from Mike. It’s not like I was saying I didn’t want to date him! Is it my fault that I think biology is a bigger factor than cultural pretenses?
I’d woken with a response in my inbox, which said: Maybe you shouldn’t TELL A DUDE YOU’RE DOOMED TO BREAK UP AND YOU’D BE BETTER OFF WITH ANOTHER GUY.
Huh.
At least I could kill my energy shoveling units and throwing buckets full of dirt through the sifting screen. Simon Daly, the eighteen-year-old holding the other side of the screen, looked at me cautiously. “You all right, Professor Sullivan?”
Slightly better now that he’d called me professor. “I’m fine.”
“Bad luck with Mike?”
I stopped sifting. “Excuse me?”
“My great-aunt Eileen told me you’re back in your own room.”
There were so many things wrong with that. Particularly—why the hell did Eileen have to spill our beans? “Who else knows that?”
He shrugged. “Everyone, I suppose.”
Great. Just great. All of Kilkarten knew about my sex life.
“Thought he was supposed to propose to you here.”
I almost wrenched the screen completely out of his grasp. “What?”
“Just talk I heard.”
“Well, don’t. Anymore. No more talk.”
He looked at me like I was crazy and gently began to push and pull the screen again. “All right.”
I took a deep breath. “All right.”
We broke for lunch around noon, settling down in circles and pulling bags out of backpacks. A bottle of sanitizer was passed around, so the amount of dirt we consumed would be slightly lessened. I generally attempted to hold my PB&Js by their tinfoil wrappers, but by this point eating dirt just didn’t faze me.
Jeremy stopped by later as I violently scooped dirt from the unit into a heap beside it. “Are you okay, Natalie?”
I paused to suck in some air, leaning against my shovel as I squinted up at him. The sun glinted white and sharp behind him. “I’m fine! Don’t worry about me.”
“Err. Did you have a fight? With...” He hesitated. “With Michael?”
“What? No. No! What would give you that idea?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, like he always did when something was bothering him. “I just wanted to make sure—as your advisor, I feel responsible—that it’s not a bad situation.”
I wiped my arm across my brow, trying to get rid of some of the ever-present sweat, and hauled myself out of the unit and over to my pile for another water bottle. “Please, Jeremy, don’t worry about it. It’s not a situation.”