I exhale in defeat.
“Alright, Harlow. I get it. It’s just hard sometimes, ya know? Honestly, I’m tired of being strong all the time, tired of pretending. But I’m scared. It’s so much easier for me to cling to the memories of happiness than to consider any possibility of losing someone again. You were there Harlow. You saw everything. I don’t know if I could survive it a second time when I barely made it through the first time. You know that. How many times did you have to force me to get up just to take care of the girls? How many times did you have to come over to console me when I couldn’t stop screaming and crying? How many times did you come over just to check on the girls to make sure they were okay – and don’t say you didn’t because I know you did. Honestly, how many times? So I understand your concern, I truly do. But I feel that I’ve earned a little leeway to be scared without being judged.”
Though still angry, I feel myself conceding that she might be on to something. “But…you’re right about the girls deserving better. And I’ll work on that, okay. Just please, try to be patient with me.”
My face is now soaked with my tears.
“It’s just not easy for me to accept help from people. You also know that Harlow. I don’t want to let someone in only to lose them again and asking for help is letting someone in. That scares me to death so I guess I choose to distance myself like I did this morning with Blake. Of all the freakin’ people, why did it have to be him? ”
Harlow gives me a slight smile.
“Alex. I love you. I love your girls. I just want to see you allow yourself to be happy. I’m not saying Blake is or isn’t the one to do that for you. But I don’t want to see you push away a true friendship that you need right now. And you need him. I know you do. And I think you know you do, too. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that it was Blake this morning. Maybe someone’s trying to tell you something, but you’re just being too stubborn to listen.” She places her hand on my knee.
“Listen. You know I have no room to pass judgment. And I would never pass judgment on you. Yes, I did see everything you went through. And the fact that you’re here, being a wonderful mother to those beautiful girls, shows me how strong you truly are. How strong you can be. Show the girls that strength. Your strength. Teach them. I know you can. I know you want to. And I know you will. But eventually, you’re going to have to let someone else in. Even if it’s just a friend. You need to start trusting people again, Alex. ”
I nod my head and place my hand over hers. “I know, Harlow. It’s just not that easy. I’ll try, but please be patient with me. And even though I’m officially still mad at you,” I give her a quick wink, “I know that you’re only saying this because you care, so I forgive you.”
I tighten my hand around hers.
“I love you Harlow. And I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here without you.”
Harlow gives my hand a pat. “You are most welcome.” Then, smiling widely she adds, “Now, enough of the serious shit…let’s finish off that second bottle of wine.”
Two hours and one fall in the toilet later by Miss Harlow Reed (for which I knowingly misplace the blame onto my children), I close the door as Harlow leaves. When I’m confident she’s gone, I migrate to the attic to pull out a box full of random things I kept from my time with Derek. Old letters, dried flowers, movie tickets, etc. I don’t know why, but I just feel the need to go through it right now. Maybe it’s because Harlow just drilled the fact that Derek is indeed dead into my head tonight.
Flashlight in hand, I walk across the attic floor. I notice a box sitting in the corner that I don’t recognize. It’s simply labeled “Alex’s Stuff.” Hmm…whoever was in charge of labeling on moving day really needed to be reassigned to do something else.
I open the box and it is mainly stuff from my childhood room: dolls, cassette tapes, yearbooks…
Digging around, I notice an old shoe box at the bottom. I pull it out and open it. In the box there are many pieces of paper, different shapes and sizes, with writing all over them. Below them, something shiny catches my eye. I shift the papers over and pull the silver object out of the box. I let out a small gasp.
In my hand is the charm bracelet that Blake had given me when we were kids. He worked for years and years on it.
Oh.My.God. How could I have forgotten?
And how could I have just thrown it in a box?
I look at each charm and smile. I remember every single one. Blake would get a charm anytime we went anywhere. He would buy them when he went on summer and winter vacations with his family. He would even buy them on random occasions, making his mom take him all over to find just the right one. And since this started when we were around seven years old, there were a lot of charms, five or six year’s worth of them. I flip through them quickly to find my favorite charm. Blake gave it to me when we were thirteen years old.
We went to the lake that day to go fishing, something we always did in the summers…and since school was about to start we wanted to get as much fishing time in as we could. Enjoying the morning sun, we were both sitting in the boat, silently enjoying it as it rocked back and forth, when I felt a sudden tug on my line. I yanked the pole back and I could feel the fish fighting me; it felt like a big one. I jumped up with excitement and started bringing it in. As I reeled it out of the water, I threw my fishing pole to the side, grabbing the line with one hand and the fish in the other. Trying to unhook the fish’s mouth, I could feel the fish wiggling out of my grasp.
“Blake! Help me! I’m about to lose the fish,” I yelled frantically as I tried to get the hook out of its mouth. But it was too late. The fish fell and started flopping all over the bottom of the boat. We both dropped to our knees in an effort to catch it, but neither one of us could grab it, it kept slipping out of our hands. Finally, it must have unhooked itself because it flipped and flopped its way out of the boat, but we didn’t care. We were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe. We both ended up on our bellies facing each other.
Finally, when we managed to stop laughing, we just stopped and stared at each other. I noticed how his hair was a lot lighter in the summer, which made his green eyes even more beautiful. I was lost in his eyes when suddenly, he leaned in and gave me a tiny peck on the cheek. Before I could say anything, he rose to his feet so quickly it made me dizzy. Well, it was either that or the rocking of the boat when he got up. Either way, Blake Morgan just kissed me on the cheek. I could feel the heat on my face as I stood back up in the middle of the boat, but I said nothing.
Blake and I both acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day. We soon went back to normal, joking and laughing with each other. We left after a couple of hours, eventually going our separate ways.
Right before dinner, there was a knock on my front door. I went to answer it, expecting Harlow. But when I opened the door, there was no one there. There was, however, a box placed on the welcome mat. I picked it up and untied the red ribbon that held it closed. Sitting in a patch of white fluff was a fishing pole charm and a note that simply said:
With tears in my eyes, I stare at the bracelet as the lost memory runs its course through my mind. Then realization sets in.
I think I know now why Blake Morgan hates me so much. About a week after he left me that charm, Derek Meyer walked into both of our lives and all of this was completely forgotten….
Forgotten until this very moment.
Climbing into bed, I can’t help but think about my relationship with Blake. We were extremely close growing up. I do remember that. Harlow’s words run over and over in my mind.