“You’ll tell them the truth. That’s all you can do sweetie.” She turns my body gently toward Derek. “Now, go to your husband. I’ll take care of everything else.”
I give her one last look and walk into the room. As I enter, I hear the familiar and comforting sound of Derek’s monitor.
Beep.
Beep.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee–
I watch the monitor as the last remnants of Derek’s heartbeat slowly go by.
“No! No! No! Oh my god…Harlow!” I scream a guttural scream as I run to Derek’s side. I push the call button for the nurse and yell as loud as humanly possible. “Nurse! Please…Help! Help me…help my husband! Please!”
I’m still screaming when the nurses and Harlow rush into the room. I grab onto Derek and loudly cry out, “Derek, you fight! You fight for us! Don’t you give up! We need you, Derek!” I’m shrieking at the top of my lungs and shaking him with every ounce of strength my weakened body can muster. I barely register that Harlow’s beside me trying to pry my fingers from Derek’s arms.
“Alex, you have to let go sweetheart. They can’t help him unless you let go. You need to move, honey.”
I wrench my fingers as tightly as I can around his arms. I can’t let go. If I let go–
“Please, let go, Alex. Let them try to help,” Harlow says, forcefully breaking my hold on Derek. She grabs both of my hands, turns my body away from Derek, and looks me directly in the eyes. “Alex, we need to go outside. Okay? Let them do their jobs.”
I stare at her face because it’s the only thing I can do. I have no fight left in me. I let her lead me out of the room. I hear the doctors and nurses fighting to save him. But I know deep down he’s already gone because I don’t feel him anymore. I don’t feel his soul. I don’t feel his presence in my heart. I don’t even feel my own heart anymore. That’s how I know he’s gone. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing I want to say. I can feel my body, my heart, my brain…everything…shutting down. There’s nothing anymore. I’m completely void. Completely empty.
I should have never let go.
I awake in my room, my pillow drenched in tears. My eyes remain shut but the tears continue.
Derek.
Gone.
Alone.
Empty.
As I re-play the death of Derek, just as it was in my dream over and over again, I find myself getting angrier each time.
Angry at myself for being so weak.
Angry at Derek for dying and leaving me behind.
And honestly, I find myself angry at a certain someone for showing up after all these years. Trying to be my hero. I don’t need a hero. I don’t need anyone.
And I sure as hell do not need Blake Morgan.
Thursday morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm, evidently set to the tone of “Drill Nails into Alex’s Skull”. I honestly don’t know if my headache is from the wine, the tears, or a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I’m being severely punished this morning. Turning my alarm off, I drag myself out of bed and make the rounds to wake up my girls. I walk into Nycole and Kyndall’s shared room and turn on the light. Their heads immediately disappear under their sheets.
“Get up sleepyheads!” I shout, immediately cringing in pain.
I watch their beds for any sign of movement. This is going to be an extremely long morning.
“Girls….please get up. Mommy isn’t feeling great this morning. Can you guys help me a little and get out of bed now, instead of waiting until the thirty-seventh time I ask? Please? I will love you guys forever.” I sing the last line.
Nycole’s head pops straight up. “So, are you saying there’s a possibility you won’t love us forever?”
A small smile finds its way to my lips as I look at this little girl who’s growing up so fast.
“Um, no. But it was an effective way to get you two up, no?”
“Mama,” Kyndall says, removing the covers from over her head. “That wasn’t very nice. Are you sure you’re gonna love us forever?”
“Girls, I will love you forever and ever and ever. There’s no way I could ever stop loving you. You’re both my babies. Did you know that when you are fifty years old, you’ll still be my babies?”
They both giggle.
“So, yes, I’ll love you forever. Unless you guys don’t get out of bed this minute. Then I will love you no more!” I yell as I jump onto Nycole’s bed and start tickling her. Kyndall jumps on my back in a measly effort to protect her sister. I bring her little body over my shoulder and throw her onto Nycole’s bed, tickling her as well. We’re all giggling when I hear Rylie’s little voice as she enters the room.
“Hy-yah!” She shouts, running across the room. She jumps on my back, karate chopping and kicking like the ninja master she is. When I finally catch a glimpse of her, I break out into laughter. Oops. I guess we forgot to take off her swimsuit before she went to bed. Oh well, at least I did manage to remember to braid her crazy hair after her bath, which will make getting her ready much, much easier this morning.
“Nice kick, young grasshopper. Now guys, let’s get out of this room and start getting ready for school.”
Maybe I should have reconsidered the early morning wrestling match, because now my head is really throbbing. Yet, I smile to myself in lieu of my misery. It was so worth it.
The rest of the morning is pretty uneventful. The only minor hiccup is Rylie refusing to wear shoes that actually match her outfit. And since I’m running on my morning after Wild and Wacky Wednesday speed, I opt to not argue with her about it. While heading to the car, I shake my head as I look at my beautiful baby girl, brown curly hair blowing everywhere, dressed in a blue sundress that Nancy bought her with a pair of red and white checkered flats. Well, if nothing else, it’s very “Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz”-esque.
While driving the normal morning route, I decide that I completely loathe the “Do you know?” game that Rylie has recently started forcing me to play with her.
“Mommy, do you know what starts with A?”
“What?”
“Apple and Art.”
“That’s right baby. You are so smart.”
“Mommy, do you know what the potty is called?”
“What?”
“The toilet or the rest room.”
“That’s right baby. Hey, Kynd–”
“Mommy, do you know the color of brains?”
“Rylie – we don’t talk about–”
“Pink. Brains are pink, Mommy.”
“Rylie, that’s right. But please don’t talk about brains, okay? I don’t think your teachers in your new big girl class would like that.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
“Do you know the capital of New York?” she asks. Honestly, she’s got me there.
“No, honey, what is the capital of New York?”
“Albany.”
How does she know this stuff? And why New York? Why not Texas?
“Rylie? What’s the capital of California?” I suddenly feel the need to gauge this child’s intelligence level.
“My formula.” She smiles widely looking back at me in the rearview mirror.
Phew! Okay…so she isn’t completely smarter than me. I grin back at her wholeheartedly.