Like a lion to the gazelle, Harlow evidently senses my weakened defenses when I opened that damn drawer, because as it shuts, she clears her throat. “So, how long is this going to continue? How long are we ignoring Harlow? Huh? It’s been three weeks, Alex. Would you mind sharing with me when you’re planning on ending this stupid ass tantrum!” She uncrosses her arms and leans forward. “I’m just asking because I would really like to put it on my calendar. Maybe even put together a celebration.” She pauses. “With a lot of alcohol.” After another brief pause she adds, “And strippers.”
The stripper comment catches me by surprise, as I’m sure she intended, and a slight smile breaks across my face. I continue looking down, hoping she doesn’t notice. My pens are now in groups based on color.
“Alex, seriously. This is ridiculous. Talk to me.” I look at her and tilt my head as I raise my left eyebrow at her. I’m so tired of being mad. Knowing I’m about to cave, I attempt to keep my mouth in as straight of a line as possible while speaking. “What would you like to talk about? My celebration? If so, I would like to go on the record as saying that if you’re going to have strippers…get that guy Tony…remember? The one from Australia. He was hot!”
I watch her face as relief floods her features. She leans back in the chair. “Alex, I’m really sorry.”
“You should’ve told me, Harlow,” I say, placing my elbows on my desk and folding my hands underneath my chin.
“I was going to tell you, remember? But I didn’t want to upset you before Rylie’s big surprise, so I was waiting until after the party. Then I ran into dickhead and I decided to go off on him first. In retrospect, I should’ve probably discussed it with you first.” Her mouth moves to the side and looks down at her fingernails as she contemplates. “Yeah, that would’ve definitely been more advantageous for me in the long run.” She nods and continues her murmuring.
“Harlow! Focus!” I shout at her. I have watched her do this before; I could literally be sitting here for days watching her go back and forth with herself.
“Oops! Sorry. Anyway…Yes, I should’ve told you. Honestly, I didn’t know there was anything going on. I asked him here to help you as a friend. That’s all. I was worried about you and nothing I was doing was helping. So I figured maybe there was something he could do since you two were so close, for so many years. I never really expected anything to happen romantically. I just said all that stuff early on to aggravate you. Because I happen to find it very entertaining…as if you didn’t already know that. I had no idea either one of you had actual feelings. Hence my slightly overdramatic reaction to all of this at Rylie’s party.” She pauses to straighten her skirt.
Her voice softens. “That being said…Trace told me he left. Went back to Colorado.” She looks up to eye me closely.
“What?” I clear my throat to try to prevent the Mack Truck from lodging in my throat. I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, it’s so permanent.
“Yeah. Trace said he left the day after the party.” She continues to watch my reaction. I feel moisture starting to gather in my eyes. I have no idea why I’m reacting this way. I know it’s over. Maybe I just wasn’t expecting him to completely pick up and leave.
I shrug my shoulders. “Well, I hope he made it back safely.” I move on to organizing the files on my desk.
“Does that bother you? That he left? Without telling you?” Harlow takes her shoes off and slides both feet up into the chair underneath her bottom, something she does when she is settling in for a long conversation…or a lecture. I would rather the former.
“No…I mean, yeah,” I sigh loudly and smack my forehead in frustration. “I don’t know. Does it matter?” I open my file drawer to deposit the now alphabetized files.
“I think it does, yes.” She shifts a little in her chair. “Do you care about him? Really care about him?”
“I don’t know. I thought I did. But, he lied to me Harlow. How can I ever trust anything that he says after that?” I close the drawer and slide back in my chair. I watch her twirling the ends of her hair around her finger.
“Alex. You two have a long history together. He knows you. Even better than I do, which is saying something considering you hadn’t spoken to him in years before recent events. He knew what your reaction would be to him showing up here to check on you. He also knew he would have absolutely no chance of any type of relationship with you if he stormed in here expecting to carry you away on a white horse. I really don’t see that he had any other choice.” She hesitates, but continues.
“Look. He said some things to me that will put him on my shit list for a while, but I have to be honest with you. I don’t really think he lied to you in order to deceive you. I think he did it to protect you…from yourself. Alex, the man loves you. There’s no doubt about it. And whether or not you choose to admit it to yourself, you love him. I see that now.” I open my mouth to speak but she holds her finger up in the air, signaling for me to shut it.
“But since we’re playing the ‘Lying is Unacceptable’ game, why don’t we both just admit that this has absolutely nothing to do with the lies themselves. I’ve had time to think about this. And I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. I love you too much, so you’re going to listen to what I have to say.” She moves her feet back to the ground and repositions herself in the chair. I can feel the lecture coming but I have no words to distract her after she called my bluff with her made up lying game. Damn it.
“You know, deep down, you pushed that man away before he even had a chance. You pounced on the first opportunity you had to do it. And you did it successfully. Congratulations. Now you’re miserable. Are we seeing a correlation here?” I really need to come up with some words…any second now…
“I’ve watched you spiral downward from being the happiest I have seen you in years to absolutely heart-broken. The light in your eyes is gone. I haven’t seen you smile in weeks. I know you’re sad, Alex, but you don’t have to be. You’re not proving anything to anyone by doing this to yourself, yet you still do it. Is this about Derek? Do you think this is the life Derek wants for you? Do you think he would prefer to see you sad than to see you happy? I don’t.”
Memories from the day at the park race through my mind. “You’re right, Harlow. I’ve had time to think about what I did to Blake, and you’re absolutely right. And you’re also right about Derek. He wouldn’t want this for me. I know he wouldn’t. Like, I know he wouldn’t.” I’m pretty sure that if I tell her about Derek the butterfly, Harlow will have me committed.
“But that doesn’t make it easier to take that leap of faith. I know I pushed Blake away, but, the thought of losing him, like I lost Derek…I can’t go through that again. Just the thought...” My eyes start to well up with tears. “Harlow, it’s too much. I guess I would rather push him away and lose him now, when I’m in control, than later, when I’m not. I’m scared, Harlow.”