I stopped talking, and Blaire sank down onto the bed. She was giving in and listening to me. I felt a small glimmer of hope.
“I hated those girls. I hated that family Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore that one day, I’d make him pay. Nan would always say that maybe one day, he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these daydreams for years. When I was nineteen I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special, and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”
I could see her do the math in her head. She’d lost her sister less than a year before I’d found Abe. But I hadn’t known. God, I’d had no idea. I had been trying to help my sister, not destroy Blaire’s life. I hadn’t known Blaire.
“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care, honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you, the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom, God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.”
I moved over to her, and she let me get closer.
“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister, if I could go back and change things, I would. I would never have gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so fucking sorry.” Tears were blurring my vision. I had to get her to understand.
“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” she said softly. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”
A tear escaped and rolled down my face. I didn’t move to wipe it away. I wasn’t sure when I had cried last. I had been a kid. It was something I wasn’t used to anymore. But right now, I couldn’t keep it in. The pain was overwhelming. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you, Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”
“I can’t love you, Rush,” she said.
I let the sob I had been trying so hard to hold in break free, and my head fell into her lap. Nothing mattered. Nothing. Not anymore. I loved her completely, but I hadn’t been able to win her love in return, and without it, I would never get her back. I had lost. How would I live now that I had known life with Blaire? “You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” I said, and I let the sobs shake my body and buried my face in her leg. Had I ever felt so broken? No. And I never would again. Nothing could compare to holding heaven and losing it.
“Rush.” Her voice sounded pained.
I lifted my head from her lap. She stood up and began unsnapping her shirt. I sat there, afraid to move, as she slowly began taking off her clothing, removing each piece carefully and with purpose. I didn’t understand, but I was afraid to speak. If she was changing her mind, I didn’t want to ruin it.
Once she was completely naked, she walked over and straddled my legs. Grabbing her waist, I buried my face in her stomach. I could feel my body trembling from having her this close, but I didn’t know what it meant. I couldn’t assume it meant that she forgave me. She had just said she could never love me.
“What are you doing, Blaire?” I asked finally.
She grabbed my shirt and tugged at it. I lifted my arms and let her pull it off. Then she sank down in my lap and grabbed my head and kissed me. That sweet, intoxicating taste that was Blaire filled me, and I sank my hands into her hair and held her to me. I was afraid she would change her mind. She didn’t have to love me; I just wanted her to let me love her like this. It would be enough for me.
“Are you sure?” I asked, as she rocked against my erection.
She just nodded.
I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Then I removed my shoes and pants. When I was equally naked, I held myself over her and stared down at her. She took my breath away. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Inside and out,” I told her. Then I kissed her everywhere I could, every inch of her face, before pulling her bottom lip into my mouth.
She lifted her hips and opened her legs, but I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t want to hurry this. I wanted to savor her. She was meant to be savored and cherished. She was meant to be loved and cared for. I would do that for her. Even if she didn’t love me, I could make it enough for both of us.
I ran my hands down her body, memorizing every part of her. I didn’t want to believe this was a good-bye. I didn’t think Blaire would end it this way. But the fear was there, and I couldn’t get enough of her. “I love you so damn much,” I told her, and I lowered my head to kiss her stomach.
Her legs opened wider. I glanced up at her, knowing that I had to ask this time. She wasn’t promising us a tomorrow.
“Do I need to wear a condom?” I asked, moving back up her body.
She nodded, and I felt what was left of my heart crack even more. She was putting a barrier between us. I reached for my jeans and got the condom out of my wallet, then slid it on. Blaire’s eyes were on me. My cock twitched from her attention.
I ran my hands up the insides of her thighs. No one had ever been here but me. No one had touched her but me. “This will always be mine,” I said, wanting to mark her permanently. I lowered myself until the tip of my erection nudged inside her. “Never been this good. Nothing has ever been this good.” I swore, then filled her in one hard thrust. She wrapped her legs around me and cried out. My battered heart beat wildly against my chest. This was home. Blaire was my home. I hadn’t realized how alone I was until she came into my life. I moved inside her slowly, not taking my eyes off her face. I wanted to see her eyes as I made love to her. That was what this was for me. I was making love to her body. This wasn’t a fuck. This was me showing her how much she owned me.
She slipped her legs higher on me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I will always love you. No one will ever compare. You own me, Blaire. My heart and soul are yours,” I told her as I rocked inside of her. I brushed a kiss against her lips. “Only you,” I promised her. It would always only be her. She was my life now.
Our gazes locked, and she cried out. Her orgasm squeezed me tightly, sending me spiraling off after her. When the pleasure slowly faded, I looked at her, and I knew. Her eyes were telling me what I had feared. This had been her good-bye.
“Don’t do this, Blaire,” I pleaded.
“Good-bye, Rush,” she whispered.
I refused to accept it. I couldn’t let her do this. “No. Don’t you do this to us.”
She let her legs fall away from my body and go limp. Then she dropped her hands to her sides and turned her face away from me. “I didn’t get a good-bye with my sister or my mom. Those were final good-byes I never got. This final good-bye I needed. This one time between us with no lies.” The hollowness in her voice sliced me open.
I grabbed the sheets under my hands. “No. No. Please, don’t,” I begged.
She continued to look away from me and lay limply beneath me. How could I fight for someone who didn’t want me? Someone who hated me? I had no chance of winning. I had done everything I knew how to do. But she didn’t want me. Not now.
I pulled out of her and reached for my clothing. I disposed of the condom, then numbly went through the motions of putting my clothes on. She wanted me to leave. And I was just supposed to walk out of this room and leave her. How the fuck could I?