He eased himself carefully close, moved a pillow to the right place for his head, then gently slid his left arm under her, under her neck and around, to place the flat of his hand against her back. With the fingers of his right hand he tenderly combed the blond hair back away from her face, feeling the slight sweat-dampness that still remained near the roots.
She opened unfocused eyes, befuddled, uncomprehending. He moved his right hand down to the steep soft cleft of her waist. He saw her pale blue eyes come into a sharp focus of recognition. He saw the memory and awareness hit her, a savage impact. Pam, guilt, shock, shame. She tried to twist away from him, pushing at his chest with her hands, straining to free herself and roll away from him.
“No, Liz,” he said gently. He held her firmly.
Her effort weakened and faded away. She covered her face with her hands and made a snorting noise.
“Don’t cry. Please, honey.”
“Just let me go. Let me go.”
“We have to talk about this.”
“I’ve got to get out of here.”
“And go where?”
“Back to my room.”
“In a bikini, back to the other wing?”
She spread her fingers, and a damp miserable eye stared at him. She lifted up and looked over him toward the glass doors, then fell back limply. “What time is it?”
“A little after eight. We both fell asleep.”
“Oh God. What’ll I do?”
“Is your room key in that canvas bag, or down at the desk?”
“In... that bag of mine, I think. Yes.”
“Good. I can wander over there and pick up what you need in my dispatch case and bring it back here.”
“Then that makes everything all right? Oh God, Mr. Bellinger, I wish I was dead. I really do.”
He felt such a great warmth and affection and sympathy for her that it made his eyes sting. Not an Amazon at all. Just a scared, heart-sick, troubled young girl, looking unexpectedly small beside him. It pleased him to think of how he would and could raise her spirits. It had worked before and would work every time, whenever there was enough guilt and enough shame.
“Can you ever forgive me, darling?” he asked.
“Forgive you!”
“For a long time I lay just like this, with my arms around you, watching you sleep, trying to understand how it could have happened. I had no idea of anything like this happening when I asked you to come up here. I just wanted to... see your eyes sparkle and see your smile when I told you about my plans for Lee. And then I... oh God, Liz, I’m so sorry. I just didn’t realize the sun and booze and... It was all my fault.”
She rubbed her tears away with her thumb knuckles, snuffed hard. “Oh boy. Sure. All your fault, Aldo. I stretch out on your bed in a bikini and start kissing you. What the hell did I expect you to do? I was asking for it. And I got it. I really got it. I was going to go through my whole life never cheating on Lee, and it wasn’t going to be any kind of big character thing either. I never had any reason to cheat. I never thought I even could. I thought I’d vomit if a man other than Lee put his hands on me even.”
“We were both smashed, Liz. Drinks and sunshine and fun and jokes. We’ve always enjoyed each other, liked each other. But I’ve always... been aware of you in a sexual way. I’ve wanted you and been absolutely certain I’d never have you.”
She gave a little nod. “I know. But I guess if it wasn’t like that, there’d be something wrong with both of us.”
“What kept bothering me before I woke you up, dear, was wondering if I really had sort of planned this, sort of trapped you. After all, I did spread the drawings and maps out on the bed.”
“No. Even smashed I’d have known right off if you were trying to set me up. I mean I can’t help the way I look, and ever since I was thirteen men have been trying to set me up, and I know the smell of it. No, honey, you were so anxious to show me the project, and if that roll of stuff had been in the living room, you’d have spread them out on the coffee table. But they were in here and the bed was closest and handiest. Anyway, what the hell difference does it make? I felt so damned happy about everything. And I felt very grateful to a very wonderful guy. So I started kissing him, damned near naked, on his bed, hugging him. I could have stopped you.” She frowned. “You know, there’s a funny way a person lies to themself. In my mind I had this little voice going on and on, saying it wasn’t really going to happen because it just couldn’t possibly happen. Then, like it happened all of a sudden, I thought it was your hand touching me, but you slipped into me all the way and that crazy little voice in my head started screaming, ‘It’s happened already! It really happened! It’s too late!’ Then no little voice any more. What am I going to do? I just can’t hide it from Lee. He’ll know right away. What’ll I do?”
He shook her so roughly it startled her.
“You are going to stop trying to punish yourself, Liz!”
“You hurt me then, damn it! Leaving black and blue marks isn’t going to help a bit.”
“When I bring you your clothes and cosmetics and such, I am going down to the dining room and you are going to come join me.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Too many people may have noticed we both disappeared for too many hours. You have to be strong. You have to be strong enough to be perfectly casual, normal, relaxed. We have to be seen together acting just the way we always have.”
“There’s no point. I can’t hide it from Lee. So there’s no point in playing games.”
“You have every reason in the world not to trust me, Elizabeth. But I wish you would. I wish you would trust me and believe in me, because I think I can tell you something about yourself. Let’s talk about Lee.”
“Lee? Oh, he was that dandy husband I used to have.”
“Don’t be a smart-ass child, please. I have been looking for a Lee Rountree for several years. I damn near didn’t realize I’d found him. Know why?”
“Not really.”
“He hangs back, Liz. He doesn’t push. I narrowly missed finding out just how very damn good he is.”
“I know what you mean now.”
“Liz, if he leaves me and goes to work somewhere else, nobody may ever again see his true potential. He will spend the rest of his life in the small time, way down the list in the minor leagues. Liz, I need that guy! Badly.”
“You are not alone,” she said bitterly.
“But out of childishness, selfishness, total self-involvement, you are perfectly willing to destroy him. Yet you claim you love him.”
“Mr. Bellinger, you goddamn fool, I have destroyed him, and myself, and one very good marriage.”
“Only because you want to.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Let me ask you something. You must answer honestly.”
“Go ahead.”
“You have an image of yourself as a certain type of person, capable of certain acts, incapable of others. You believe that Lee shares that image of you. Now, don’t you have the little feeling in the back of your mind that if you explained very carefully, in complete detail, exactly what led up to your getting screwed—”
“Jesus!”
“Shut up. You have the feeling that if he could really comprehend every part of it, then your mutual love is strong enough so that he could eventually forgive, really forgive, and even forget. Isn’t that true?”
“He couldn’t ever—”
“He’s too small? Too intolerant? Has no understanding, and damned little genuine love?”
“No!”