Annoyance flickers in his face when I register that hit. “If she wanted to call you, she would.” He repeats the same excuse he gave me earlier that week.
“We both know she isn’t going to do anything that jeopardizes your position or mine. She’s making a sacrifice for all of us, but she doesn’t have to do it alone. Give me a chance,” I plead.
He looks in the direction of Ellie’s apartment and then back at me, weighing my words against her response. “I’ll give you one chance.”
I jump up and pound him on the back. “Thanks, man. You won’t regret it.”
“Don’t fuck it up.”
“Can I do worse than I already have?” I half joke.
This admission tugs a grin from him. “Probably not.”
With Jack on board, Riley follows. We win on Saturday and then the next week and the week after, giving us a record of 10 and 1. Despite creeping up the polls, the wins don’t give me the same high.
I spend the rest of my time skulking around campus, watching Ellie as covertly as possible, between lifting, practice, and games. I stay as careful as possible, because if I get her brother kicked off the team, she’d never forgive me.
Watching her is painful and not the good kind of pain that precedes a wave of endorphins as you break into the next level. It’s a sharp, constant pain as if someone took a cleat and peeled back the skin over my chest. Now the wind keeps whipping past all my exposed nerves.
Every time I see her it’s a reminder of everything I'm missing. Yes I missed fucking her crazy in her tiny bed. Or making out with her in all the stairwells and hollows on campus. I missed the warm feeling of her body next to mine. The little gasps she makes when I slide my dick in just the right spot. I was getting good at it too. But more than that I just miss her.
I miss the sight of her bent head as she studies. The way she so precisely copies her notes from her notebook into her computer. How when she laughs all of her teeth show. How her eyes light up when we argue over players and teams. I miss her sharp insight into the game.
It’s not easy to watch her without someone noticing me. Even with my winter coat and beanie, there’s always another student who calls out my name and wants to congratulate me on how well the Warriors are doing.
But I can’t stay away from her. If I see her, I think, then she’s still mine. What I told Matty has become the anthem of my life now. Ellie and I will never be done. Our story is a forever one.
I just need to get everyone on that same page with me, including her.
35 Ellie
Week 13: Warriors 10-1
“Broomball, Ellie?” Jack asks with disapproval when he picks me up from the ice rink where I practice with my new intramural squad. It’s mostly the Horny Toad softball team with a few others.
“I played eight weeks of softball and came away with only a skinned knee,” I remind him. He’s still worried I’ll get hurt, but nothing could be more painful than losing Knox. I didn’t realize I’d feel this way, like a hollowed out tube of a person. I’m skin and bones, but underneath it’s one big tumbleweed blowing around an empty wasteland.
He grunts his disagreement, but doesn’t say another word about it. Smart, because I’m not changing my mind.
It’s been three weeks since the loss. Three more games and three more wins. Their record stands now at ten and one, with one regular season game left. As long as they win on Saturday, they’ll play for the conference championship. The Warriors have moved up the charts to number six. Is it bad to hope for the other teams to lose? Maybe, but I cheer for it anyway.
Things worked out okay. Jack is back playing. I’ve barely seen him because he’s spent so much time re-doing the worksheet answers. The professor let him do an oral presentation, but the university is making him take a course over winter break and then during the summer. He’s not thrilled about it.
I got a job waiting tables at Buster’s, and they all love me because I volunteered to work double shifts over Thanksgiving. I have no plans to go home. I’m not even sure I’m welcome at home.
I’m not making much money beyond rent, and I can see that if I want to finish my degree, I will need a second job. But having money of my own makes me feel independent in a way I hadn’t realized I needed.
I miss Knox every day. Sometimes I imagine I see him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn it’s another student. It’s hard to watch the Warriors, but I can’t keep away. Riley refuses to watch with me. She uses her business as an excuse, but I think she’s mad at Knox and Jack.
I don’t blame Knox at all. But Riley said that Knox’s test was stupid, and he either loves me or he doesn’t. I try to tell her it wasn’t only the fact I had intentionally mistaken Ty for Knox, but the things I’d said to him afterward and how I’d almost ruined their season.
She steadfastly disagrees, which makes me love her all the more. She’s wrong, but she’s on my side. I’d found a teammate in the person I’d least expected.
I miss the guys. Even the Horny Toads all looked at me with sad eyes during the last game, when the stands were nearly empty. No more Warriors to cheer us on. A figure stood two fields away. I pretended it was Knox, but we still lost.
A number of players on the softball team play broomball during the winter, so I signed up for the Horny Toads broomball team. Ryan tells me the Horny Toads play worse broomball than softball. Our team doesn’t win a lot, but we have fun playing the game. I need a little fun in my life.
I’m existing. Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning, but at some point, the piercing pain will fade. It’s got to, because I can’t live my entire life feeling like I’m only half a person.
“Why are you wearing your suit, by the way? Is there a team event I don’t know about?” I straighten the collar on his tailored suit.
“Yeah, special team event. How’d your meeting with Financial Aid go? You okay next semester?” He maneuvers the Jeep out of the parking lot and onto the road.
I try to keep my eyes away from Union Stadium, two blocks from the ice rink. Not that Knox is there, but it reminds me of him and that hurts.
“It’s not great news.” I look down at my cheap disposable phone. “I talked to Financial Aid and they said without Mom or Dad co-signing a loan, I probably won’t get enough to cover the full cost of tuition. And since Western is out of state for us and I have to pay the full ride, waiting tables won’t cut it.”
“Can I co-sign for you?”
“No. You have the same sketchy credit situation I have.”
He squeezes the steering wheel tight in frustration. “When I’m out of school, I’ll help you pay for college.”
“Jack, I can take care of myself. I’ve got an associate’s degree. I can get a job somewhere, and I’m three semesters from getting a bachelor’s degree. I can still write. The Agrippa Learning Center plans to submit my grant almost unchanged, and if they get it, I’ll have a great resume builder. I just need you to be my brother.” I reach over and squeeze his hand.
“Do you love Masters? Like forever love him?”
I choke on my saliva. “Where did that come from?”
“I just need to know.”
Well, this is awkward. “What does it matter?”
“It just does,” he insists.
“Fine. Yes, I do.” There’s no point in lying about. I’m not exactly Miss Happy Pants every time Jack sees me. “But it doesn’t matter, because in a few months he’ll be drafted, and he’ll meet some beautiful actress or model, and he’ll forget he ever met me.”
Jack ignores my whiny comments. “No doubts about him. You okay with the way he treated you?”
“What way did he treat me? I had to pretty much assault his brother to get Knox to believe I didn’t want to see him.” I glower at Jack for his unfair accusations.
“The ban by Coach was shitty. Completely unnecessary.” Jack pulls the vehicle into the athletic center parking lot.