“Audrey, come on, don’t cry,” he said, his tone softening.
“What do you want, Duck? Tell me! Rad and I were just friends, and now we’re not even that. What do you want me to say?”
He stood up and came around my side of the table.
“I’m sick of fighting about this,” I continued. “I didn’t do anything wrong, so stop crucifying me.”
He sighed. “You can’t blame me for being worried, not when my girlfriend starts hanging around some guy. But I’m sick of fighting too. Let’s just drop it.”
He took my bag gently from my hands and pulled my books out again, spreading them across the table. I felt a wave of tenderness as I watched him. I knew how much he cared about me, and I was grateful to have him in my life. I just wished I could return his feelings in equal measure. Everything would be a lot simpler that way.
“Besides,” he said with a grin, “our exams are next week, and given how terrible your math is, I’m your only hope.”
The next day Lucy and I caught a bus out to Alexandria to visit Candela. It was hard to believe I hadn’t seen her since the housewarming party—the last month had gone by in a flash.
The first thing I noticed when Candela opened the door was her disheveled appearance. Her hair was matted, and her skin looked like it was covered in a slick, oily film. The circles under her eyes were so dark they looked almost like bruises. She was dressed in an old tie-dyed T-shirt with a large red wine stain and ripped denim shorts. Candela had always been slim, but now she looked emaciated, like she hadn’t eaten in days. “It’s past four already?” she said peering out at us, as though the sunlight was hurting her eyes. Then she grinned widely. “So good to see you both.” She drew me into a weak embrace. “It’s been way too long.”
“What’s with all the trash?” I asked. The porch, which had been spotless on our last visit, was now in complete disarray. Bags of rubbish, pizza boxes piled up by the door. Flies buzzed around the debris, and a sour, rancid smell hung in the warm, still air.
“Oh yeah,” said Candela, looking around the porch. “Ally had some kind of mental breakdown, so she’s moved back in with her parents, and Ramona and I—well,” she gave us a hopeless smile, “we’ve been pretty shitty at keeping the place in order.” She opened the door to let us through, and we followed her into the hallway. When we got to the lounge room, Lucy and I exchanged a look. It was a complete mess. Dirty plates, cigarette butts, and empty beer bottles were strewn all across the coffee table. Used tissues, food wrappers, and half-eaten bits of fruit littered the three-seater sofa. Even the bright blue beanbag next to it was covered with crumbs and a sad-looking Rubik’s Cube with half its colored stickers peeled off.
“Sorry about the mess,” she said nonchalantly. “I’ve been too busy to tidy up.” She made a half-hearted attempt to clear the table but gave up midway. Instead, she pushed the rubbish from the sofa onto the floor and plonked herself down, inviting us to do the same. “So how are you both?” she asked, as we sat on either side of her. “How’s school?”
“It’s okay,” said Lucy. “A bit of a drag—you know.”
“Not the same without you,” I told her honestly.
“Yeah,” said Lucy. “All the teachers ever talk about now are the exams. They’re really laying on the pressure.”
“They are,” I said. “They keep saying that if we screw this up, that’s it. It’s all over—” I stopped and looked at Candela. She had a glazed look on her face, and I couldn’t tell if she was even listening.
“Do you guys want a drink?” she asked, distracted.
“Sure,” I said. Candela got up and made her way to the kitchen.
“Do you think she’s okay?” I whispered to Lucy. She turned to look at me, a worried expression on her face. “I don’t know,” she mouthed, with a shrug.
We heard the fridge door slam shut as Candela made her way back to us, with a couple of Diet Cokes. She passed them over to us, before sitting back down again.
“So what’s new with you, Candela?” asked Lucy, as she flicked back the tab.
“Well,” said Candela, “I’ve started seeing this guy.”
“You have?” I asked.
“Yeah, his name is Dirk. I think you met him at the housewarming.”
“The biker guy with tats all around his neck? Seriously, Candela?”
“Why, what’s the problem?”
“Isn’t he, like, forty or something?”
“Thirty-five.”
“So he’s basically twice your age?”
“And your point is?” She shot me a defiant look.
“He kind of gave me the creeps, Candela,” I said quietly.
She glared at me. “Well, maybe you’re just too sensitive.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.
“Hey, we should go out for dinner next week,” Lucy cut in quickly. It was clear she was trying to change the subject before it escalated into an argument. “Just the three of us. We haven’t done that in ages.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Sure,” said Candela, with a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders.
Something in her tone made my anger flare up again. “Don’t come out with us if you don’t want to, Candela. There isn’t a bloody gun to your head.”
“Jeez, Audrey, calm the hell down. What’s your problem?”
“You’ve been so distant since you moved out. I don’t hear a thing from you. You don’t answer my calls or text back.”
She stood up, glaring down at me. “It’s always about you, isn’t it, Audrey? Why don’t you just get over yourself for a second and see that people have lives of their own. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Oh, shut up. I’m the one having to pander to you. I’m sick of being the one doing all the chasing. I’m not asking you to make me a priority—I know you’ve got a lot going on. But at least meet me halfway.”
She opened her mouth to speak but stopped. Her expression told me something I said had sunken in. “Look,” she sighed, sitting back down. “I know I’ve been distant. I’m just messed up about Ana—even if I don’t always show it . . . I’ve been trying to get away from anything that reminds me of her.” She clasped my hand in hers and then reached for Lucy’s. “The two of you—you’re like sisters to me. I love you both; that will never change. But I need to forget for a while—to be away from Three Oaks, from Barrett, and that god-awful bottle-green uniform.” Her eyes flickered over my school dress. “I just need everything from that part of my life to disappear for a bit.”
Her words brought on a heavy feeling in my chest. Until now, I was unable to grasp the depth of Candela’s suffering. I wanted desperately to be there for my friend, but not if my presence was causing her further pain.
“If you need your space, Candela, we’ll respect that,” said Lucy quietly. “But at least come to graduation. Please? It would be so weird not having you there.”
I winced at the desperation in Lucy’s tone, but I felt the same. Everything was dull without Candela. Nothing felt as special.
“Of course I’ll be there,” she said with a tight smile. There was a troubled look in her eyes. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Eight
It was the day of our exams, and I could barely stomach anything as I sat down at breakfast.
“Nervous?” asked Dad, sliding a pancake onto his plate with a fork.
“Yeah.”
“So what’s first on the agenda?”
“English in the morning, and then we have history after lunch.”