“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“Oh God,” he said, his voice choked up with tears. “Oh God.”
He let go of the broom and pulled me into his arms. “I love you,” he whispered, into my ear. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” He pulled away from me gently and took my hand in his, running his thumb over my ring finger. “You know, I’ve always wondered about your ring size.”
I completely broke down then, sobbing and clutching at his shirt. My heart was clenching like a fist in my chest. I had no idea it would hurt this much. My mind went back through the years like a person dying. I thought of Duck waving to me from his deck, summers at his parents’ lake house, jumping into the water from the pier, our laughter ringing through the air. Sitting for hours on the lawn, the sun on our faces. Chasing the ice cream truck down our street. The first time we made love, when I was so certain this was the person I would spend my whole life with. I looked back on all of that with new tenderness as it was disintegrating before me.
“I can’t do this,” Duck said, pulling away from me suddenly. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“How can you ask me that?” I could see the anger flash into his eyes again.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could hate you right now; I really do.”
“Duck—” I said, reaching out for him.
“Don’t.” He brushed my hand away roughly and pushed past me. Moments later, the house shook with the sound of the door slamming.
Lucy came home later to find me balled up on the couch.
“Audrey,” she said, approaching me tentatively, “are you okay?”
I looked up at her, my eyes aching from the effort.
“Duck and I broke up.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said, sitting down beside me. She pulled me into her arms, and I cried softly against her shoulder.
“Is Duck okay?”
“No.”
“Poor Duck.”
I put my head into her lap and lay there, feeling almost catatonic. “I didn’t know it could hurt this much. Honestly, I didn’t.”
Lucy stroked my hair. “Do you want me to do anything? I can get Freddy to check on Duck.”
“Okay, thanks, Lucy.”
My phone had been charging on the coffee table, and now it rang suddenly. I reached for it quickly, hoping it was Duck. My heart dropped when my mother’s name came up on the screen.
“Shit, this is the last thing I need.”
I let the phone ring out, but later it started up again. I sighed and picked it up.
“Hi, Mum.”
“What the hell is happening, Audrey? I just got off the phone with Zoe. She said you and Duck just broke up. Is that true?”
I winced at the shrillness of her voice.
“And what’s this about Rad coming back on the scene? How can you do this to Duck, Audrey?” I could tell she was gritting her teeth. “I did not raise my daughter to sleep around.”
“I haven’t slept with Rad,” I said, angrily.
“Well, something must have happened between the two of you! What’s the matter with you, Audrey? I knew it was a bad idea—you moving out.”
It was unbearable. My nerves were already shot, and this was way too much. I felt ready to take it to DEFCON 1. “Mum,” I said, “what makes you think you can judge me like this? At least I wasn’t married to Duck. You know, like how you were married to Dad.”
She fell silent, and I knew my accusation was like a slap in the face.
“How could you—”
I hung up the phone and switched it off, slamming it down onto the coffee table. “Hypocrite,” I spat.
“Audrey, your mother cheated on your dad years ago. You can’t keep punishing her for it.”
I knew Lucy was right, and it made me feel even worse.
“You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree,” I said bitterly.
“You didn’t sleep with Rad, though, did you?”
“No, we only fooled around. I know that still doesn’t make it right.”
“Oh, Audrey, you should have told Duck earlier about Rad, before it got to that point.”
“I know; I’m a shitty person.”
“No, you’re not. You’re just human; that’s all. We all make mistakes.”
I looked at Lucy, the eternal optimist. “At least I don’t ever have to break up with you,” I said, with a wry smile.
She reached over and took my hand in hers. “No, you’re stuck with me for life.”
The next morning, I got a text from Duck.
Can we talk?
We met at our favorite café. I was relieved to see that he looked much better than yesterday and told him so.
“Thanks. You hungry?” he said.
“Not really.” My stomach had been in knots ever since our breakup. Hard to believe it was only yesterday.
We got a coffee each, and I busied myself with tearing the sugar sachet, pouring it into my cup, and swirling it around with my spoon. I wasn’t sure if I could meet his gaze without crying again.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday,” Duck said after a while. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper like that.”
“It’s okay; you had every right to be upset.”
“Audrey, look at me, please.” He reached out and took my hand.
I looked up at him. He gave me a sad smile. “It’s not okay. I was out of line. It was just a shock; that’s all.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do. I’ve had some time to process it all, and it’s starting to make sense to me. We’ve been growing apart for a long time now; I just didn’t want to face it.”
I nodded.
“Look; if I could click my fingers and have things go back to the way they were, I would do it in an instant. But I know that’s not realistic. We’ve been together for so long maybe we need some time apart to figure out who we really are.”
“Maybe.”
“The truth is I want the world for you, Audrey. I want you to do all the things you ever wanted to do, without me there to stop you.”
It was a complete one-eighty turnaround from yesterday. I expected him to be angry, to call me names or throw more accusations at me. God knows I deserved it. But he was acting so reasonable, so selfless. I knew I should have been glad, but something about his attitude was irking me.
“Is this you talking, Duck? Because it sounds like one of your self-help books.” I didn’t mean for my words to come out so harshly, and for a moment he looked stung.
“This is me talking, Audrey. I mean everything that I’ve said.”
“Okay, fine.”
“What’s the matter? I thought this is what you wanted.”
“It is.”
He smiled at me. “We can still be friends, can’t we?”
“Of course we can, Duck.”
Nineteen
“Did I ever tell you that Rad has heterochromia?” I was bringing Ida up to speed about the last few weeks since my breakup with Duck as we sat facing each other across her desk.
“No, I don’t think you’ve mentioned it.”
“His eyes are so beautiful. One is a stormy gray, the other a summer blue. That’s how tornadoes are formed, you know. When dark, brooding thunderclouds come into contact with sun-drenched skies.”
Ida nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly right.”
“I feel like ever since he’s come back into my life, everything has gone haywire. I’m wearing my rubber band again.”
“I noticed.” Her eyes glanced at my left wrist with the thin band of rubber peeking out from under the sleeve of my sweater.