“I feel anxious all the time, like everything is spinning out of control. But I can’t seem to stay away.”
“Are you still seeing him?”
“Not since that night we went up to Newport. But I think about him all the time, and that isn’t right, is it? I’ve just broken up with Duck, whom I’ve been with since I was a kid. He has been nothing but wonderful to me, and all I can think about is Rad. I feel really shitty about that, but I can’t help it.”
Ida leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Our emotions pull us in different directions. The stronger the emotion, the greater the pull. Feelings are not always practical, nor do they make any logical sense. That’s just the way it goes.”
“I’ve been worried about Duck. He deleted his Facebook yesterday, and I haven’t been able to get in touch with him since.”
“Does he have someone to talk to?”
“His family is great, especially his mum. She’s fantastic, and Freddy has been keeping him company over the last few days. But I think I should see him. I’ve been avoiding it because then I’d be obligated to see my mother too.”
“I take it that she isn’t happy with the breakup?”
“No. She was hysterical when she called me. I haven’t spoken to her since either. Do you think I should go and see her?”
Ida nodded. “I think that might be a good idea.”
After I left Ida’s office, I caught the bus to Duck’s place. I walked the familiar pathway up through the garden, a lump rising in my throat. Memories came to life around me like a ghostly matinee. Duck and I had spent so much time here, and I couldn’t take a step without bumping into some fragment of our history.
“Oh, Audrey,” said Zoe, when she came to the door. She opened her arms, and I fell into them. Suddenly, I was a little girl again with a scraped knee, craving the kind of comfort my mother did not know how to give. Tears fought their way through my shut eyelids and trickled down my cheeks.
“Come in, sweetie,” she said. I walked into the hallway and noticed at once the empty space on the wall where that dreadful picture of Duck and I had hung.
“You took the picture down.”
“I’m sorry,” said Zoe, her hand rubbing gently at my back. “Duck took it down just yesterday.”
“Can I have it?”
“Of course you can.”
“Thank you.” My voice was barely a whisper.
She led me down the hallway and into the neat, sunny lounge room. We sat down on her brown leather sofa.
“How is he?” I asked as she handed me a box of tissues. I took one and blew my nose.
“He’s doing really well, actually, which is surprising. He’s philosophical about it all.” She reached over and took my hand, peering at me with a worried look on her face. “How are you, darling?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay, I guess. I’m more worried about Duck. I tried to call him today, but his phone is disconnected.”
Zoe frowned. “It is?”
I nodded. “And he deleted his Facebook page too.”
She sighed. “I’ll have a talk with him. I’m sure he just needs some time to process everything. It must have been a shock.”
“I know.” I looked down at my hands. “Do you know where he is now?”
She shook her head. “He left early this morning, and he hasn’t been back since.”
“Oh.”
She must have read the expression on my face because she put her hand on my arm and said, “He’ll be okay, Audrey. He just needs time. You both do.”
“I just wish—” I shook my head, and tears welled up in my eyes again.
“I know. But these things are bound to happen. You know, I was madly in love with someone once, and I was heartbroken when we broke up. But I’m glad it happened, because then I never would have met Duck’s dad. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” She reached over and gave me a brief hug. She smoothed my hair away from my face and said, “You should go and see your mother. She’s worried about you.”
When I left Duck’s place, I walked up the street to my mother’s house. She was in the front yard, dressed in her gardening gear, tending to her roses.
“Hey, Mum,” I said.
She looked up. “Audrey, what are you doing here?”
“I just went to see Zoe.”
“I see.” She went back to her roses.
“Mum,” I said.
She stopped.
“I’m sorry I hung up on you and for what I said. It happened a long time ago, and I know it’s wrong for me to keep bringing it up.”
She stood up to face me, pruning shears in her hand. It looked like she had been crying. “I’ve never been good at playing the housewife, Audrey. Some of us aren’t made that way. I love your dad. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for his patience and his forgiveness. But I’m a stranger in my own life. Do you understand?”
“I do.”
“I’m scared for you, Audrey, now that you’ve chosen Rad over Duck. Every time I’ve followed my heart, it’s turned out badly for me. When I met your dad, he swept me off my feet.” A soft look came over her face. “I wanted to be a star. I was heading in that direction. But I fell madly in love with a boy, and I lost my head. I was seeing someone else at the time, someone I cared about, but I was still myself, Audrey. He didn’t affect me the way your dad did. At the time, I couldn’t see that the crazy, passionate love I had for your father would lead me here to this life—this slow death.” She motioned around her. “Before I knew it, I was pregnant—at twenty-two!” She shook her head. “That’s too young—not much older than you are now. This isn’t easy for me to say. It’s not that I didn’t want you; I just wish it happened ten years later. I just wanted those ten years for myself, to find out how far I could have gone.” She closed her eyes, as though it pained her to say these words to me. “I don’t want you to lose that time—that precious, precious time. If you have to be with someone at all, then be with someone who makes you feel like you are still in control. Someone like Duck. Because sooner or later, all kinds of love—crazy love, wild love—fade into the same thing. The love becomes old and predictable—safe. So why not start there if that’s where you’ll end up?”
“Mum, I’m not you. I’m never going to be you. You don’t have to worry.”
She sighed, peeling off her gloves and tossing them on the ground. “Come with me, Audrey. There’s something I want to show you.”
I followed her into the house, up the stairs, and into the spare room where we kept our odds and ends. She walked over to the bureau in the far corner and pulled open the bottom drawer, crammed full of junk. Lifting out a black-and-white striped hat box, she put it on top of my old writing desk and took out the contents. There were pictures of young couples, radiant and glowing, basking in the sun. My mother picked up one of the photos and handed it to me. A boy in a leather jacket with a cigarette dangling from his mouth stared at me with dark, brooding eyes.
“Who’s that, Mum?” I asked, thinking it must have been an old friend or ex-boyfriend.
“That’s your dad, Audrey.”
My mouth fell open. “That’s Dad?”
She nodded. “He was going to be a writer. Did you know that?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head slowly. As far as I knew, my dad worked in an office. I never thought he had aspirations to do anything else. I guess that was ignorant of me.
“You should have seen him back then,” she said, looking down at the photo. Her eyes were dreamy again. I wondered when she had stopped looking at him like that. “I would have done anything for him. Hell, I would have followed him right off a cliff. That’s what boys can do, Audrey; that’s the power they can wield over you. It’s like being under a spell.”