“Do you know about Schrödinger’s cat?”
Lucy nodded. “Yeah. It’s the theory about the cat in the box with the flask of poison. The idea being that the cat in the box is both simultaneously alive and dead—it’s only when you open the box that it is one or the other.”
“Exactly. If I had never looked into that box, it would still be a pile of old trading cards—at least to me. But I’ve opened up a new reality, and I want to go back to the old one.”
“Audrey,” Lucy let out a deep breath, “this kind of thinking isn’t healthy. All these what-ifs. You can go on and on forever.”
“I know. I just can’t believe he would lie about what was in the box. I think that bothers me more than anything. That he could look in my eyes and tell me something that is completely contrary to the truth.”
“I don’t think he did it out of malice, Audrey. You just caught him off guard. I mean, we’ve all been guilty of that at some point.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“Haven’t you ever told a lie that you regretted?”
Out of nowhere, an icy cold finger traced a line down my back. I shivered and pulled the throw tighter around me.
“I mean, everyone does,” Lucy continued, oblivious to the effect her words had on me. “Freddy still believes I’m a natural blonde.”
“Seriously?”
She nodded. “He has no idea.”
“He hasn’t noticed that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes?”
She looked at me and shrugged. “Now you know why I’m so OCD about my waxing appointments.”
I gave her a wry smile. “Well, your secret’s safe with me.”
Later that night, I got a text from Rad.
Want to go for a drive?
Sure
It had been a long day, and I wished I could just close my eyes and fall asleep. But my mind was racing, and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I didn’t know if seeing Rad would soothe my anxiety or make it worse.
He was outside my house about twenty minutes later.
“We haven’t done this in ages,” I said, as we turned the corner.
“No.” Rad turned and smiled at me.
“It feels nostalgic.”
We drove for a while with no destination. The moon swam through the sky, pale and ghostly, dipping in and out of clouds like a retro arcade game. I looked over at Rad, and as usual, a feeling of tenderness swept through me. Sitting there beside him in the car—it was all I wanted for the rest of my life. “I know you looked inside that box,” he said suddenly. My entire body prickled with fear. I kept silent. “It’s okay,” he continued. “I think in a way I wanted you to.”
He must have noticed that the page from Ana’s diary was missing.
He switched gears and slowed down, then turned into the empty parking lot of a supermarket. He parked the car and looked at me, his face partly covered in shadow.
“Did you read anything?”
“Only a poem,” I said truthfully. “And there was a diary entry, but I only read the first few lines.”
“I noticed it was missing from the box. Do you still have it?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure why, but I stuck it in the pocket of my jacket, and now I can’t seem to find it. It must have fallen out somewhere. I’m sorry.”
“Oh. Hopefully it will turn up.”
“Why did you have a page from Ana’s diary?”
“I took it on the night of her wake. I knew she kept her diary under a loose floorboard in her bedroom. I’m not sure why I went through it.” He shook his head. “Grief makes you do weird things.”
“You don’t have to explain. I probably would have done the same thing myself.”
“I’m not sure why I chose to tear out that page in particular. I suppose I wanted to punish myself in some way for what happened to Ana. I wanted something that would hurt me each time I read it.”
“But that’s crazy, Rad. Why would you do that to yourself? It’s bad enough you lost her.”
He looked at me, and a strange expression crossed his face. “Audrey, I’ve never told this to anyone before. What happened to Ana was my fault. I’m the reason why she did it.”
“Why on earth would you think that, Rad? How could it be your fault?”
His eyes, pained and haunted, looked straight into mine. “You know that rumor that was going around, the one about Ana screwing her dad?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“I was at her house right before they found her in the bathtub. I went there to confront her about the rumor.” He closed his eyes, as though it hurt him to remember. “She told me it was a lie, that someone had made it all up. But I got the feeling she was hiding something from me. I told her I thought she was lying, and we got into a fight—the worst fight we’d ever had.”
I reached over and took his hand. It was cold and clammy.
“I should have been there for her,” he continued. “Regardless of whether the gossip was true or not. She had the whole town against her. She just needed someone on her side. But I chose not to be that person. A few hours later, her father called and told me she was dead.” He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
“Rad,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “What happened to Ana wasn’t your fault.”
He turned to face me. “What do you mean? I just told you—”
I drew in a deep breath. “Rad, Ana was telling you the truth,” I said softly. “The rumor—it was a lie.”
He looked at me blankly. “A lie? But how do you know for sure?”
I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. My heart was beating so fast I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I swallowed hard and looked him straight in the eye. “Because I was the one who made it up.”
Rad stared at me as if I was an apparition. Like I had just materialized from thin air to occupy the passenger seat across from him. “You made it up?” he said dumbly.
I nodded. “I told the story to Lucy and Candela one night, and Eve overheard us. She passed it on to her mother, and that’s how the rumor got started.”
“Audrey, what are you saying?” He grew more and more distressed. “Why are you saying this shit?” He looked around the car wildly.
“Because it’s true,” I said, my voice breaking with emotion. “And I live with my guilt every single day.”
“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and bit down hard on my lip. “I wish I was, but I’m telling you it’s true. It was a lie. I made it up.”
“Why the fuck would you make up something like that?” he said, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. “Why the fuck would you do that?”
“I don’t know,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes.
“What were you thinking?” He was shouting now, his eyes flashing with anger.
“I don’t know,” I said again, my voice small and unsteady. “Kids say stupid things. I had no idea it was going to end the way it did, or I never would have said anything.”
“What the hell did Ana ever do to you?”
“Nothing! She did nothing at all.”
“What the fuck, Audrey! Do you know what you’ve done? Do you have any idea?” His hands were clutching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white.
“Yes, I do,” I said helplessly. “That’s what landed me in therapy. That’s why I couldn’t get through my exams. Don’t you think I would take it back if I could? I know what I did, Rad! Believe me—I do.”
“You don’t know,” he hissed. “You’ve got no fucking idea.” He was breathing hard.
I tugged at the door handle, and it opened with a click. “Audrey, what the hell are you doing?” he said, grabbing my arm. “It’s the middle of the night.”